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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

318 replies

ladylovesmilktray · 31/03/2020 23:18

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/04/2020 12:14

I would contact the council and tel them you want to stop volunteering for this person but would be happy to be reassigned to somebody else, and tell them why.

Redwoodmaz · 01/04/2020 12:19

Most definitely cash up front!
And tell her she should be grateful...

Waspnest · 01/04/2020 12:22

I do think that a lot of elderly people don't get what's going on in shops, what with the queueing, and limits on some things. My mum and dad get it but PILs and elderly neighbours that we're shopping for definitely don't. They're used to having the time to get different bits from all over the place, not realising that most of us are too busy to do that.

We're trying to go shopping once or twice a week max and already this week we've been asked to go and drop prescriptions off for both, will have to pick them up later in the week, pick up prescription from vet's for dog, get branded food for PILs from their local shop (they needed TUC crackers, didn't like any others, didn't want any others if DH couldn't get them - when he couldn't they said sigh oh well we'll just have to eat the crackers we already have even though we don't like them Hmm ) plus get food for neighbours from ALDI and LIDL (the list said marmalade ONLY from LIDL NOT ALDI plus other specific requests). I didn't mind that too much because in our town both are near each other and I get our shopping from there usually - DH did one and I did the other. But it did piss me off when we dropped off saying we couldn't get any eggs from either and they said oh that's okay, we've already got plenty.

I considered volunteering and am so glad I didn't, I wouldn't blame you if you gave it up OP.

Vanhi · 01/04/2020 12:31

I'd give her one last chance OP. Tell her bluntly how long it takes and that items are often missing. Explain that you need to do as few trips as possible. Say you'll go to one supermarket and a pharmacy once a week for her and that that is it. Any more nonsense from her and stop doing her shopping. It's great to be helpful but you didn't volunteer for martyrdom or indentured service.

Snowpatrolling · 01/04/2020 12:38

I’m part of a group that has organised volunteers.
The rules Are....

payment up front cash/PayPal/bank transfer

Basic essentials only

One shop a week (if you absolutely don’t have anyone else to do it for you)

If the shop doesn’t have it, you dont get it.

Out volunteers will go to one shop only at their convenience.

If your rude we won’t help you.

You absolutely do not need to be going for her 3 times a week. You do it all in one go at one shop and tough if she doesn’t like it.

It’s amazing how many people take the loss out of other people generosity.

I would hand this lady back over to the council to deal with.

CeibaTree · 01/04/2020 12:44

in all honesty, this sounds like the sort of thing I would expect the volunteers to be dealing with

Actually I wouldn't expect volunteers to be out of pocket as the person who they are shopping for refused to take the items as they were the wrong brand etc. Being a volunteer doesn't make you have to be a martyr - volunteers are people with their own busy lives/dependents, and do not deserve this level of disregard for their efforts!

lljkk · 01/04/2020 12:48

I've got the GoodSAM app on my phone but honestly don't know when I'm going to put myself down as available. I'm too stressed to have it interrupting my life a lot. Will try to block out some time, maybe at weekend.

Babypug · 01/04/2020 12:52

She's taking advantage and you've gotta think would she do it herself we weren't in lockdown?
Well done for doing your bit. I'd change to help another person in need or stop for someone who is clearly taking the piss.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/04/2020 13:01

She is being totally ungrateful. Don't do it. Or at least not for her!

rougebuterfly · 01/04/2020 13:08

Thestral@ is not being ungrateful at all. She had a list of items to get, if the are not available then that’s it, there not available.

It’s very unhelpful, when my carer buys alternatives that I don’t like and expects me to pay for them because she ‘thought I would like it’. I am in a strict budget and I will not waste my money on things I don’t want, like and haven’t asked for.

I give her a list and if the item is not available, then I can’t have it, unless I specifically state that I am happy for a item to substituted.

Why should I be grateful to someone is wanting to spend my money on things I haven’t asked for?

madcatladyforever · 01/04/2020 13:08

What a bloody nerve this woman has. You're a volunteer yet she doesn't pay you if you substitute and if you don't get her exactly what she wants. She also expects you to go to loads of different shops and risk your own health/life doing that.
I'd tell her absolutely straight - I'm going to go to one shop only and you pay me for the shopping regardless otherwise this is my last visit and you will have to find another volunteer.
People simply cannot be allowed to treat you like you are their unpaid butler.

madcatladyforever · 01/04/2020 13:10

Presumably she has a phone, if something is not available then you could ring her and say is there anything else you'd like.

Vanhi · 01/04/2020 13:14

Why should I be grateful to someone is wanting to spend my money on things I haven’t asked for?

In this case we're not talking about a carer, but a volunteer who is giving up her time for free. If you shop online, supermarkets have a facility for saying which, if any, items you would accept substitutes for. It might be helpful in this case, although unwieldy to do it for all customers all the time. It's not about wanting to spend your money unnecessarily but about wanting to help you out in the best way possible. So have the conversation 'please don't substitute anything. I accept this may mean me going without certain things that aren't in stock'.

mummytippy · 01/04/2020 13:20

I think she needs to be made aware of the current state of the shops.

I am currently shopping for my elderly parents and my Mum has very specific things on her list which meant I was going in multiple shops. This too me is making it more risky which is unfair.

I've now told my mum that if I can't get the specific item she will be getting the next best thing.

I think as you're a volunteer it's understandable you feel like you do... my Mum has been like the 'Princess and the Pea' and the current situ is not a time for being like this!

Good luck (flowers)

mummytippy · 01/04/2020 13:21
Flowers
caringcarer · 01/04/2020 13:28

I think you need to tell person you are shopping for one supermarket only and chemist. You should not be going to loads of different shops several times each week. That is against government advice.

Beautiful3 · 01/04/2020 13:29

I would explain that you're only going to one shop. If they don't have what she wants does she want NO substitutes Or can she tell you another second choice? You cant be out of pocket over this. The whole point of it is to ensure the elderly and vulnerable have food and medicine. You shouldn't be travelling to multiple shops!!! You have to explain you're only going to one shop. She will survive like the rest of us!

FunkyKingston · 01/04/2020 13:31

Presumably she has a phone, if something is not available then you could ring her and say is there anything else you'd like.

And for every single item it would be torture

Op Hi, this is your newly acquired drudge, delivery driver and home shopper. I'm sorry there's no Eccles cakes

Old Age Pisstaker Do they have any Swiss rolls?

Op They're with the cakes, I'll go and look. ... No Swiss rolls.

Pisstaker get me some Jaffa cakes then.

Op they're in the biscuit aisle. Hang on... Yes they have them.

Pisstaker How much?

Op £1:50.

Pisstaker I'm not paying that, it's scandalous, they're only £1.45 in Asda.

Op They've got own brand ones for £1:10.

Pisstaker I don't like them, the filling sticks to the roof of your mouth. Now you'll be coming past Asda on your way back here and while you're in Asda, can you pick up some Lemon Sherbets and some of their tinned pears?

Repeat ad infinitum.

The op would never leave a supermarket.

allaboardthesinkingship · 01/04/2020 13:32

YANBU! Quit she can get her own stuff or have to wait. So so ungrateful and putting you at unnecessary risk making you go to several shops!!!

tiktok · 01/04/2020 13:42

Funky, I am crying with laughter here at your dialogue!

OP - of course YANBU....what a Cheeky Fucker your lady is.

caringcarer · 01/04/2020 13:45

I think I would take a few photos of empty shelves and show her.

LonerGirl · 01/04/2020 13:48

@BIWIHmm how on earth is Op discriminating?

The lady is being ungrateful. I didn’t realise you had to pay then they pay you back Op.

Maybe ask her if she wants a like for like item or she doesn’t get it if it’s out of stock

BrooHaHa · 01/04/2020 13:49

My gran is like this. I feel your pain.

Tell her that, owing to social distancing rules, you'll be going to only one shop. Insist she names the brands of each item that she wants and if they don't have it, don't get it.

BrooHaHa · 01/04/2020 13:53

Also, I do think that it's related to being on a pension- they don't have much disposable income so they want you to buy them the best bargains. Plus, they're not as time-poor as those still in work, so think nothing of going round four shops three times a week.

Now, obviously, not all pensioners are like that. My other gran always took what she was given cheerfully. But I do think the shopping habits described are more common in pensioners.

BIWI · 01/04/2020 13:53

@LonerGirl

MNHQ have now changed the title of this thread. It was the title I was objecting to!