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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

318 replies

ladylovesmilktray · 31/03/2020 23:18

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

OP posts:
Getoutofbed25 · 01/04/2020 10:07

Also find a pharmacy that will deliver for her, call and explain situation to them and hopefully that will be sorted.

Rabblemum · 01/04/2020 10:10

I imagine this lady feels a toxic mix of powerlessness and boredom. The older generation aren’t the best at understanding their emotions so they take them out on people.

She needs you but she’s treating you badly, you have room to change her behaviour. Think about what you’re prepared to do and offer that. Explain there are shortages and you have no choice but to buy something slightly different. If she doesn’t like your deal walk away and she’ll have to find somebody else.

user1494532270 · 01/04/2020 10:14

We need to look after all the old folks

pollysproggle · 01/04/2020 10:15

I've offered to help out a few elderly neighbours.
One asked me to come in and do their washing up and hoovering. Another asked me to weed their garden Hmm

cansu · 01/04/2020 10:30

You need to be much more assertive with her. As others have said tell her you will be going to one shop and it will be once a week. Be clear that it will be this or she will need to find someone else to help her. Ask her if she wants substitutions or not. If she makes a fuss, contact the council and say you aren't doing it anymore. Stop letting her walk all over you.

tara66 · 01/04/2020 10:30

Seems to me this ''volunteering for the elderly'' thing is just another example of how badly organised this crisis is (if a crisis can be ''organised''). Did you see the car crash interviews a government minister (who was in Herefordshire) gave to Kay Burley on SKY and then ITV Good Morning earlier today about no having enough testing, ventilators and PPs for NHS? - it was toe curling. Then Sadik Khan was grilled about the crowds on London tubes! No point in police stopping dog walking in country when tubes are crowded!

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2020 10:35

This sort of volunteering does work better when it's through an organisation that sets out clear boundaries and is willing to step in when people are trampling all over said boundaries. Otherwise you risk well meaning people being bled dry with demands. I certainly wouldn't directly volunteer to help if I didn't feel I would be backed up.

pingbloodyping · 01/04/2020 10:36

Older people can be bloody difficult sometimes, it comes with old age. They can be set in their ways, and anxiety and worry can come out in them being 'awkward' or 'particular'.
If you're going to shop for this one particular person tell her it's once a week, from a supermarket and will need to be generic as there are shortages on certain brands. And if she refuses to pay you then she'll need to find someone else to shop.

ginghamstarfish · 01/04/2020 10:37

There's a similar thread. Perhaps the co-ordinator or whatever needs to urgently put out a flier stating that you can only shop for basic goods, from one supermarket. They can state 'no subsitutions' at their own choice. This person in particular sounds like a pain, selfish and demanding, nothing to do with age.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2020 10:39

I’m shopping for three elderly people. I don’t think they actually realise how much stuff is gone from the shelves in supermarkets. Watching it on tv doesn’t seem real.

billy1966 · 01/04/2020 10:41

OP, she is absolutely taking advantage of you, and you have allowed her to.

I shop for 6 people, once a week. Thats it. We just manage with what I have bought.

You should be going to one supermarket, doing an essentials only shop.

Anything else is taking the piss.

Just because someone is elderly, doesn't mean they can't be difficult, demanding and a pain in the ass.

Take her age out of it, and either tell her, one shop, or ring the volunteer centre and pass her on to some other sucker.

That you indulged her in the first place is ridiculous.

Wishing you the bestFlowers

SentimentalKiller · 01/04/2020 10:43

Get in touch with the organisers and request a different person or a swop but they need fixed ground rules
My local group has a list of rules. No going to multiple shops, prescriptions and 1 supermarket only, no promise to get very specific items, no promise of a particular brand or chasing up hard to get items

Gingertam · 01/04/2020 10:44

Ignore the permanently offended posts about describing her as elderly. You have been an angel to continue with this. I would stop and contact the council and explain why. I've no time for these people. They should be grateful somebody is doing their shopping. It's a stressful time for everybody at the moment. People losing their jobs and being stuck at home. I've heard a few stories like this and it would put me off volunteering without strict guidelines.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 01/04/2020 10:48

You're putting yourself at risk and they are being extra picky it's selfish of them it really is, everyone is having to make do at the moment as it's hard to get your usual brands of stuff etc people need to realise this. You need to say look an apple is a a fucking apple at this moment in time some people can't even get apples!! If you don't like it tough titty Maureen.

PotholeParadise · 01/04/2020 10:48

Just tell her to mark anything that cannot be substituted, and don't buy unwanted substitutes.

If she would rather no yogurt than pay for a different flavour, it is her money and her appetite.

UYScuti · 01/04/2020 10:50

Another asked me to weed their garden
Maybe they think it's Bob a job week and you're a boy scout 🤭🤣
old folks can be funny it's probably best just to be very clear and say that you are going to x supermarket on y day and and you have x amount of room in your backpack/car/shopping trolley, would they like you to get them anything

CecilyP · 01/04/2020 10:50

I've been shopping for our neighbours and they are very grateful and hate having to ask. They aren't elderly but in the high risk group who are isolating. The problem is that she bakes a lot and wants to continue to bake just as much as before. I've had to give her the flour and baking supplies I bought to keep the kids entertained because she is getting so worked up about not being able to bake cakes and bread. I've been asked to go to the shops way before I need to to get flour and baking supplies and I do feel that she is lacking a bit of perspective on this. I don't understand why they can't just eat store bought bread and, for the love of God, stop making cakes and biscuits everyday for your whole extended family!

Should they even be doing this as it's not much of an example of social distancing. You shouldn't be asked to go without just because she wants to carry on as normal when nobody else can. And it they are baking for their extended family, why on earth are you getting the shopping for them - surely the recipients of the baking should also be doing the shopping.

OP I think you started off on the wrong foot by just being too obliging. I would tell the organisers that you can no longer do this - don't make an excuse - tell them exactly the reason why. Then a new shopper will be able to establish the ground rules from the beginning. Don't let this stop you from helping someone else if you are able but be firm that you will only be shopping within the government guidelines.

PepePig · 01/04/2020 10:51

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Notnownotneverever · 01/04/2020 10:53

You definitely must not be going to lots of shops. You could be spreading the virus. You could pick up the virus on your hands/gloves in Tesco and then spread it in Home Bargains. We are supposed to minimise our shopping and that means what you can get in one shop. That’s it. A pharmacy trip is of course different.
I would possibly not help this lady and leave a food parcel on her doorstep every couple of days.

justcly · 01/04/2020 10:54

OP, we have a volunteer as we are both on the vulnerable list. She picks up prescriptions, painkillers etc and one shopping list per week. I wouldn't dream of taking advantage.

Notnownotneverever · 01/04/2020 10:56

Also you could just return this problem back to the council. Say you will not help her anymore. It’s then their problem. When the next volunteer does the same they will take it seriously and speak to the lady.

PotholeParadise · 01/04/2020 11:02

It's at least partially a clash of cultures, not just the elderly person taking advantage.

Some people when they write 'cherry yogurt' mean 'yogurt, preferably cherry'. Other people mean... 'cherry yogurt'.

I used to do all the shopping for my mother, and I can imagine that other people would have torn their hair out, but I knew what she meant with her lists.

If you're shopping for a vulnerable person on a budget, ask what they would want if items were out of stock. Get an insight into their preferences.

MigginsMrs · 01/04/2020 11:02

How on earth does she need so much?

This is what I don’t understand.

If you don’t want to leave her in the lurch I’d just explain to her that she takes what you can get in one shop and if she complains once more you won’t be doing it again. Ungrateful bitch

PotholeParadise · 01/04/2020 11:05

MigginsMrs

From her point of view, the OP probably deserves some epithets, as she keeps going off the list by her own account and then being surprised the woman won't pay for them.

Woman is probably on gransnet now, being advised to be strong and refuse to pay for unwanted items until the volunteer gets the message.

weliveincrazytimes · 01/04/2020 11:06

I get what you're saying OP. I was hesitant to sign up to the council scheme to 'help the elderly and vulnerable' because of some of the comments I was reading on my local FB page saying the same thing you're saying. Lots of people requesting a perscription is picked up from X place and then taken to be filled at another place 10 miles away which would mean passing numerous pharmacies along the way and then driving back near X place to deliver the prescription. Also people saying 'I was asked to buy 25 items for Mr and Mrs X and then I turned up to drop them off and they told me they didn't have any cash to hand and yelled at me for expecting them to pay. Now I don't have the money to feed my own family this week.'

After some time thinking I did offer to help someone on my road because apparently 'he can't go out due to age and underlying health concern'. He phoned me 3 times in a week asking to collect specific items for him that the shops didn't have. He was asking me to get him a paper and magazine every morning which I didn't have time to do as I'm still working. On the fourth time he phoned me imagine my suprise when I turned up at the shop 30 minutes later only to find him in the shop! He said he decided he would try to go out and had made his own way to the shop. I handed him my basket of half the items he requested and decided if he's able and willing to go out then there is no point in me doing his shopping for him several times per week risking my own health and sanity. I've now taken my name off the list to help.