To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

I have shopped for a housebound neighbour and it does seem to be odd things like plasters and choc biscs rather than rice, pasta and potatoes.
But the numbers of cases of CV in the local town are much higher now and I am not planning to go for a couple of weeks. I've told her if she is desperate to text me but otherwise it is reckless really to keep going. I could infect me and I could infect her.
If I was OP I would tell the charity group you are not feeling well and want to stay home to self isolate. They can send someone else who is a bit more blunt and can start on a different footing.

She is definitely taking the piss! I am a volunteer and have boundaries in place I have said I only go first thing and one shop only I take a photo of the receipt and message outlining the cost and they bank transfer! I went in to pharmacy and asked them to deliver and fortunately they obliged when he messaged me after 11am to get shopping I told him I had already been to the shops and would pick them up following day! Step back even get in touch with however is running this ask them if they will produce a list of what is acceptable to give to the lady!! It should be for essentials only every time you go into multiple shops you are risking your own health it's ok to say no stay safe 💐

BTW my neighbour is not elderly.

mummyoflittledragon no hes going to the sainsburys superstore to buy things like lard, nuts, random things that we can get on the weekly shop. They have loads of tinned food, pasta etc. SIL is self isolating due to symptoms and that ends next week so she can take over for a bit and see if she gets through to them!

Very unreasonable behaviour of the woman in question. I have lots of experience of shopping for DM , D Aunt and DMil and all of them give very specific lists eg pink lady apples, Maris peer potatoes or whatever. They would, however, never be so rude as to complain to a volunteer who is trying to help them.

She sounds very ungrateful for your help.

I agree with previous posters, it’s not an age thing she has possibly always been the same. I

Tell her you are happy to help, but you have a lot of people needing help at this difficult time and you will only be able to visit one shop, once a week in future, and whatever you buy from her list she needs to accept as choice is not readily available.

Well done on what you are doing though OP . I am helping my elderly neighbours thankfully they are very grateful, not sure if I could carry on with it otherwise, you sound very patient.

I would ask to have the title edited OP.

Why do you pander to her? You need to explain that you will only go to one major supermarket for everything and ask her what she wants you to do if her preferred brands are not available, or just come back empty handed

Tbh I shop for my elserly mil and she is very specific about what she wants normally, and in normal times that is not a problem- we all like what we like, don't we? These are not normal times and I've explained the situation out there to her and she does understand and is grateful to have items which are in the region of what she wants (for example any soft white loaf is fine, it lo longer has to be Kingsmill).

I think you need to treat these sorts like toddlers. Don't argue with their demands just reply in simple terms, no I can only do one shop a week, if something isn't there it isn't there.

Maybe she doesn't have the Internet and doesn't realise what the shops are like now. Some people of that generation don't seem to want to be connected to the real world.

Sadly the a lot of the elderly don’t appreciate what is done for them and see it as a right.

Oh the irony.

This is mumsnet where grandparents are vilified if they don't provide free childcare, if they don't help their children financially, if they dont provide a decent inheritance...and now if they ask for a bit of help.

Don't do this woman's shopping any more OP, she's an arse. But it's not because she's elderly.

I’m going to hazard a guess OP, that if you’ve been trailing around multiple shops several times a week for this woman and ending up out of pocket, that you’re not actually capable of standing up to her and saying the (eminently sensible) things suggested on this thread. I don’t think I would either.

So I think you might need to talk to your supervisor/organiser and ask to be assigned to a different person and let them know they need to send someone tougher to deal with this lady.
If you do want to give her another chance, put it in writing to her, either via text or a letter through the post box. Don’t try and handle her in person when she has a lifetime experience of walking over people.
Lay it out politely and firmly that from now on you can only offer to shop once a week at (specify your most convenient supermarket) on (your most convenient day) and if she isn’t prepared to accept substitutions you won’t make any as you can’t afford to pay for it. And make it clear that you cannot continue to volunteer otherwise.

I’m hugely grateful to people as wonderful and kind as you, Op, particularly as j have a parent as difficult as this woman, who is struggling to process the enormity of the current threat and focused entirely on the milk being the wrong brand and shocked disapproval at my profligate use of Tesco’s delivery service when I could have got all that in aldi for half the price. do I not know there’s a economic crisis and I should be watching my expenditure carefully if my family are going to survive? Never mind that I’m trying to keep them alive, at a distance, in a lockdown.

Don’t give up on volunteering altogether; the world really needs your kindness and patience. But do try and establish better boundaries. If you can swop to a different person, make the terms clear from the outset.

I agree with PP that this woman is being unreasonable

On a broader level, although all the Covid 19 volunteer groups are brilliant, a lot of them are being organised by ppl who have limited experience at managing these sorts of Volunteer based services. I think most ppl were very much of the mindset that they are being really helpful to ppl (they are) and that everyone wld appreciate that and not take the piss (most do but a tiny minority don’t
And it’s the tiny minority that cause the problems)

ive worked in the age sector for a long time and am involved in my local group. I suggested that we set boundaries early around what could & couldn’t be provided - it’s for essentials, no more than 2 shops per week - because the volunteers are as important as the ppl they’re shopping for. If we lose volunteers because they’re fed up & stressed they’ll be no service at all

I think setting out clearly what is and is not ok is really important so everyone knows where they stand

Councillors generally have email?
Email them and say you are not able to continue.

My parents are a bit like this.

I'm high risk (asthma, not far off the shielding group), wfh full time, don't have a car and am a single parent so I have to take my dd out to the shops with me as she's not old enough to stay on her own - they're quite happy for me to drag her to any shop that's open every other day so they don't miss out on their creature comforts, so long as THEY don't have to go out and risk getting the virus.

I honestly don't think they see why they should compromise like everyone else is - they expect everyone to facilitate their living exactly how they were.

I said no....

Bless you for doing this for her! It does sound tough. YANBU.

Our local volunteer group sent an email round telling people that they couldn’t ask for specific brands, they could just ask for washing powder or ketchup, not the make.

I must be very lucky. I’m currently shopping for my 86 year old mother and her 90 year old partner. I try to go every 4 or 5 days or so to our local Waitrose. It’s never occurred to me to go to multiple shops, although I’ll occasionally go to the local farm shop or butcher. I’ve made it clear that not everything is always available. They have been sooo grateful and not in the least demanding. It helps that I know what they like to eat and what they’re likely to need - DM has a v poor memory and I can see huge gaps in her list. I also have her bank card, although she keeps forgetting that too and worrying that she must owe me lots of money!

DM is not normally the most reasonable of women, but in this she is just glad to have what can be got.

That's a bit dictatorial phive! Surely they can ask but if it isn't available they get what is available.

I'm high risk (asthma, not far off the shielding group)

My elderly mum gets bad asthma attacks. What is a shielding group and how could I get her on it? Thanks

I am volunteering too. My own rules are:

• Cash up front (in an envelope). I photograph the receipt and give the original back with the change. I NEVER take a debit card, not worth the hassle.
• Basic items only. If they are not available then I don't get an alternative unless agreed prior to the trip.
• I will only go to the supermarket and chemist. If I am going to Tesco, then this is where the shopping will be done.

You will need to set firm boundaries. Speak with this lady (as she must need help and it would be a shame to stop) and tell her that your priorities have changed and you will only be able to do the above. If she is unhappy with that, then she will need to contact the volunteering agency/council to arrange for someone new.

Good luck. It's very disheartening when you try to do something nice and it backfires on you.

YANBU. It's so sad reading all the stories on this thread just how many people there are who just don't get it. I've been shopping for our neighbours and they are very grateful and hate having to ask. They aren't elderly but in the high risk group who are isolating. The problem is that she bakes a lot and wants to continue to bake just as much as before. I've had to give her the flour and baking supplies I bought to keep the kids entertained because she is getting so worked up about not being able to bake cakes and bread. I've been asked to go to the shops way before I need to to get flour and baking supplies and I do feel that she is lacking a bit of perspective on this. I don't understand why they can't just eat store bought bread and, for the love of God, stop making cakes and biscuits everyday for your whole extended family!

Sorry if someone has already said this but is she just wanting a bit of interaction with someone and that’s why so many shopping demands (doesn’t explain the specific demands but could explain the number). You could be the only person she has sort of ‘conversation with’
Well done for volunteering 💐

Oh OP, I'm sorry this lady is being so difficult. I know I would be doing just what you are in these circumstances. Hence I've agreed to deliver pre-boxed emergency groceries, but no individual shopping for the charity I volunteer with.

You will have to tell her you can only shop for her once a week, and that if you can't get exactly what she wants, you will omit that item, and not try to substitute it. At least then you'd get what you spent reimbursed.