To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

OP this is NOT a problem with the 'elderly'! I think you should ask Mumsnet to change your title as it seems to be demonising the elderly.

Having said that, you are dealing with a PITA, who would be an PITA no matter what their age.

Either explain to them that what you have volunteered to do is to pick up some items for them when you do your own shopping in supermarket X. If they do not understand or accept this then I suggest you ask the organiser of volunteers to get someone else to help this person and advise them that they need to make their parameters clear from the outside.

We're stuck in fir 12 weeks and my neighbours are shipping fir me, I'm grateful of anything they manage to get, yes it's not always right but we just adapt what we where having and use it up ! She's a CF

@LorenzoStDubois
*I'd give her a good telling off.
Either she co-operates - or she's on her own.

Some old people are so, so, so painfully selfish.*

If you were using these same sentences but substituted a gender/race/nationality for the words "old people" when talking about one person of that gender/race/nationality you might begin to understand how offensive you sound - and you would also possibly be edging into the area of inciting racial hatred.

I think you've done more than enough to help this lady, and it's someone else's turn! Contact the organiser and tell her you can't do what this particular person wants. Maybe the organiser should be managing people's expectations - nobody can get exactly what they want at the shops at the moment.

My 94-y.o. FiL is driving DH mad at the moment with similar, very specific shopping lists . But he's used to going to the supermarket every so often and buying in the things he needs and has no idea what it's like currently - he is staying at home because he's vulnerable. DH has told him that he can only get him things that our local co-op is selling. He's not being unkind, but we're sticking to the local co-op, so it makes no sense for either of us to be driving round trying to get his stuff elsewhere.

This isnt an elderly problem, this woman is an ungrateful cow, regardless of what age she is

this
Being "old" doesn't mean you can treat people like crap

I would tell her I'm not prepared to queue at several shops, so please choose a list for one shop. I'd also tell her, as you have refused to pay for substitute items, if an item you list is not available, I am not looking for substitutions.

When I was young I volunteered to help two different women in their houses. One was an absolute delight and I looked forward to my morning with and the other wasn't even that old, but a neverending moan.

My darling cousin is relying on people like the OP now and I'm sure she would never dream of treating anyone like that.

OP, you are also putting yourself at risk by visiting several shops. You really should stick to one shop.

We are having similar problems with mil.
I am high risk as is mil and my parents.
I am sorting shopping for everyone and dh is taking it to them.
I got mil a huge online shop on Wednesday that included 2 packs of pork sreaks, 750g mince, tins bread, fruit, veg, potatoes, cereal, butter, cheese and four litres of milk.
DH has taken her up another 3 litre bottle of milk today and she wants more shopping on Friday.
DH is going to put his foot down it is getting ridiculous.
She lives alone, there is no way she is getting through it all.
And she keeps sulking because dh wont go to the shop for a tv book for her as we are only going to one small shop and online to reduce risk.

Sounds like my late grandmother.bshe would have paid you to be fair, but would have paid you with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a stinging nettle.

I think for her and for a number of older women she never learned to drive and would never shop alone and was used to my grandad being on hand to carry heavy bags and to ferry her about the town flitting between 4 shops as ground pepper was 3p cheaper on the co-op or they sliced the ham better at the Safeway's meat counter. This was a daily expedition. O think there's an expectation among some women of this generation that once the husband does, other family members will start dancing attendance on them.

When my grandfather died she have my mum dog's abuse as she wouldn't go the same game with her and my mum told my Gran she'd take her shopping once a week when she did her big shop. I took her occasionally, it was torture. She used to sit in the passenger seat with thunder and complain all the way round that X or y was a miniscule amount less in a different supermarket. Nevermind she got free door to door transport, the food unpacked and put away.

@ladylovesmilktray YANBU, and it's not rude or ageist for you to complain about this entitled woman. You are simply stating that she is of the older generation. As a few people have said, the elderly are not ALL like this, but you can bet the ones who are, have always been like the same, and have always had people wait on them hand and foot. (And have always complained about everything people do for them.) I think we all know someone like this.

To be honest, I have heard a lot of stories like this, where people are volunteering to get stuff for people and they are run ragged doing it.

The more I hear about it, the more glad I am me and DH never volunteered. (I have my own family to look after.) If I were you OP, I would tell whoever is organising this, that you no longer wish to go to this woman's house. OR just stop doing it. You do have that right.

Also, it comes as no surprise to me that one woman took the piss out of someone, then dropped it out that her adult daughter visited the previous day. Me and DH know a woman (divorcee) who he used to work with, who is 15-16 years older than us (retired now,) and she has 2 adult children who've left home, who never do anything for her and rarely visit her.

One lives 30 miles or so from her and the other one lives 10 miles away. We live 40 miles away from her. They rarely visit her but she never visits them. (It works both ways IMO. She is in good health and has no reason to not visit.)

So she always used to contact DH to ask him (and me) to do this and do that and fetch this and fetch that and asked if we could help her move house etc... DH was a fucking mug and did it every time. (AND asked me sometimes!) She NEVER contacted him or me unless she wanted something.

Last year, DH had quite a dangerous operation, and was laid up for 2 months. She never ONCE rang to see if he was OK, and only rang (3 months after his op,) when she wanted taking to a hospital 40 miles from her (so 70 miles from US,) for a routine appointment. I was fuming when he said 'yeah me and chicken will take you.' DH used to ring her every other week to say hi and make sure she was OK, and she never rang (unless she wanted something!)

After this (Mid November it was we took her,) I put my foot down and said we are NOT contacting her again, as I am pissed off that she never gets in touch unless she wants something.

So anyway, fast forward to mid February this year, and we had heard NOTHING from her. Then when the rumour came that lockdown was coming because of coronavirus, she fucking rang (the Friday before) and left a message saying 'are you two coming to visit me soon? I could do with some supplies when you do. Let me know when you're coming and I will give you a list.' Cheeky cah.

DH didn't ring back as he was feeling a bit rough that weekend with a migraine, and a tummy bug, and then we went into lockdown. He rang her back first day of lockdown to say we can't do much, and hadn't rang her back a few days back as he was quite ill. But she never answered so he left an answerphone message.

9 days later, no call back from her. Hopefully one of her 2 adult children can help her.

Frankly I hope we never hear from the ungrateful, entitled woman again!

What an absolute pain in the arse!!

If she wouldn't die of a heart attack you could tell her to fuck right off! What an absolute cheek.

Nope. Don't be a walkover. She can like it or lump it.

Does she think you are her servant?

I think you need to resign. Let somebody else deal with her.

Sorry I meant (on the second from last paragraph,) fast forward to mid March his year, not mid February.

You have been too soft all along.It is supposed to be for essentials
Tell her once a week one shop,or maybe two if for prescriptions.
You could be helping two different people who would be grateful,not one

Selfish mare.

One shop, once a week, does she prefer substitutes or skip? If she doesn't pay, you don't shop for her again.

OP we have the same issue but ours is MIL and FIL. And they were getting DP to go daily so they can get the paper too. We've had to put a stop to it once we found out FIL was also popping to the shop daily so he could see people . We have a baby with a lung condition, they (and DP) don't seem to grasp DP puts him at risk every time he goes to the shop.

Anyway we've said one shop per week, so DP did that today, hardly anything on the list but when DP questioned it they said "oh yes you can just go again Friday"!!! Part of me thinks we should just withdraw help seeing as FIL is probably still going out anyway. I feel for them as they hate having their independence taken away but so does everyone else.

No, I think YANBU

I'd say you don't feel well and you need to Isolate

Just explain social distancing and say you will only go to one supermarket.

@Buyitinbamboo
If I was you I'd have a chat with your DH and get him to tell his parents it's once a week shopping or your not doing it. You little one needs the protection and with DH going out several times a week the more your child is put at risk. On top of the fact your FIL is ignoring all lockdown rules I'd stop altogether if they dobt accept once a week.
Please get your DH going out so often my son has lung problems as well as myself and we help my MIL once a week and she's more than happy. My DH wont make things more risky going out more than once.
Hope you all stay safe especially your little one💐

She is being a pain in the arse. A cheeky fucker.

She hasn't seemed to grasp that you are a volunteer helper, not her personal servant. I'm afraid that this sort of thing is the very reason why I could not do volunteer helping like this. I am also in a somewhat vulnerable (though not shielded) category myself.

Yours is not the only such story I have heard. You are trying to do a good thing and are being massively ripped the piss out of. Time to step back for your own good, at least from this particular lady. Tell your volunteer organisers what is happening and the effect it is having on you. Let them deal with this entitled fucker. Somehow I doubt that you will have been the first of their team this has happened to. They will have heard it all before.

I also would tel her things have changed. You will go to one (or however many you usually go to) shops once a week.

All these posters getting their knickers in a twist about it being an elderly bashing thread - well it IS shopping for the vulnerable and the ELDERLY so chill a bit, should we all be all be offended and assume that all women are like this too as the elderly CF is also female? So many posters jumping up and down with excitement at something they can be offended over, omg.

Yes OP, your elderly female CF is definitely an entitled, rude, CF. I’d stop helping her, and if you wanted to give her a chance to think about her behaviour and have a more positive experience with the next volunteer victim, I’d tell her why you’re stopping helping her. But often once people reach a certain age they are incapable of change anyway so she may be too elderly to adapt her behaviour to become less of a CF.

Show her a photo of the empty shelves and queues.

Tell her that new government guidelines are to do essential food shopping only, as infrequently as possible.

Therefore, you will visit one supermarket, once per week. To keep your family safe and to comply with government guidance. Ask her to decide whether she wants you to provide substitutions - where possible - or not.

I wouldn't leave her in the lurch, but I'd be setting some rules and sticking to them.

Some of these stories are outrageous. anotherlittechicken. Glad your dh has finally found a back bone!

Buyitinbamboo
When your fil goes out, it’s to a little shop with bread and tinned food, is that right? Any fresh food? If it’s a mini supermarket then yes, just let them get on with it and withdraw any help. Perhaps you could build up a small stock of very cheap basic food incase they get desperate and your dh could drop round. Eg Long life milk, a bag of porridge, a pack of crackers, a bag of pasta, a few tins of soup, a pack of a cheese and another of ham to tide them over for 5 days. It won’t be what they’re used to. But it would stave their hunger. Once they get the message, your offers of a full weeks shop are more likely to get through.