To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

poster SharonasCorona

There’s a gov.uk form to fill in, you follow a link. It was on the Sainsburys website but I can’t see it now. I’ll have another look.

www.gov.uk/coronavirus-extremely-vulnerable I think this is it

@BIWI - can I ask why you think OP is being "very" unreasonable? She has so far given up her precious time to accommodate this lady's demands, breaking government guidelines to visit three or four different shops to get non-essential items multiple times a week, making herself out of pocket in many ways, because she is kind and helpful. Yet all you can focus on is a perceived ageism agenda because she used the term elderly. Elderly is not an offensive term. You are obviously one of the permanently-offended-on-behalf-of-others. Not a single mention of everything she's done for this lady so far. Straight onto how 'very unreasonable' she is for using the term elderly. Some people are just never happy unless they can make other people feel like shit. I bet you are as entitled as the ungrateful lady the OP is trying to help. If she was as horribly ageist as you seem to think why would she volunteer for such a scheme in the first place? Because she harbours a deep and unreasonable hatred of all older people? Really? Or did she just perhaps use a slightly clumsy phrase in her title but is actually a really kind and helpful person?

She sounds like an absolute twat, imagine asking someone to take something back because it's the wrong flavour yoghurt in these circumstances.

I would go back to the charity / community group and say you're not willing to do it for this woman anymore and say why. Maybe they can have a word with her before they allocate someone else . If you're happy to try someone else then that's nice of you. But lay ground rules - you'll only go to the supermarket that you already go to when you do your weekly shop once a week , tell them you'll use your judgement about substitutions where stuff isn't available and you expect to be paid for it all. If they don't want substitutions then they need to accept that you might not come back with much.

It's no e to do it but needs to be on your terms. Hopefully next time you won't get a dickhead.

She’s BU.

If you want to continue, say that you can only go to one shop. Also make it clear that if what she wants isn’t available, you won’t look for an alternative as her ‘rejections’ have left you out of pocket. Ultimately, you’re not a delivery service, you’re a volunteer, and don’t need or deserve this grief!!

As someone else suggested, maybe a few photos of your shopping trip would get it through to her how patchy the shelves are and how long the queues are?

@SageThinker the under 50s are so entitled and out for themselves (on the whole).

Care to elaborate? As the youngest household on my street (early 30s with a baby), DH and I have put our number through our neighbours' doors and registered with the Mutual Aid group for the village, where countless under-50s (and I'm sure plenty of over-50s too) are falling over themselves to help the elderly and vulnerable. So much so that I've yet to do an errand for anyone because they're always taken within minutes of being posted.

Many of my colleagues in the NHS, also mostly under 50, have volunteered to be redeployed from community to the wards as they have transferrable skills. When I return to work, if that is what is required of me (even though I have fewer transferrable skills), then I'll be right there with them.

I know you said 'on the whole', but really?

Sack this off op . She’s an ungrateful bitch.

I also think these community groups need to be better about qualifying whether people definitely need it - they either need to not have younger relatives at all or none near enough by.

The other day my SIL was encouraging my pil to look on to community groups for shopping when she lives near enough by to shop for them and is not working atm (we don't live near enough by and I'm already sorting my own parents and disabled sibling out as well as my family of 5).

Thanks @Marnie76 !

I think that asking for cash upfront is going to hit problems - how are those who are housebound going to get hold of cash, once their usual supply runs out?

Well done for volunteering, you are a very kind person, clearly.

It is not reasonable for this lady to expect you to do more than one shop a week. It will be difficult to manage her expections of you, but if you can try and reset these to fit in with what you can manage.

For instance, one list of shopping a week, in whatever your usual shop is, and clear guidance about what substitutions she will accept. When in doubt, don’t purchase an item.

Be as clear as you can with this lady and be kind but firm with her. Give it a couple more shopping trips, but if it is not working for you then stop.

Don’t feel guilty, you have stepped up and helped, when lots of other people haven’t.

It is important to look after yourself.

QFx

This is nothing to do with being elderly she just sounds like a nightmare! Not all elderly people are like this. Most are grateful!

I went shopping for the elderly (my mum) yesterday.

She was told I would be visiting one shop and the shelves were empty and it was a case of take what you get or don't get it.

i would still help the lady, but make it clear it is essentials only and what is available from one shop and you can only go once a week maximum, preferably longer between trips. Ask her what she wants if the item isn't available - a substitute or nothing. Get the money upfront and if she doesn't like the substitute tough, she'll just need to take it (but say it in a nice way!)

My mum wasn't pleased she got Clover instead of Lurpak yesterday - she was told use it or bin it, up to you!

Well re the yoghurt example-if I asked for strawberry then I wouldn't want another flavour instead-they are different things!

But it needs to be made clear.

So shopping at one shop & no substitutions would seem to be the way to go if you carry on, Op.

But if as they say on here it's not working for you-say no!

When you say that she is distant from her family-do you mean in miles?

I know that everyone's family history can't be taken, but I would hope that nearby family are stepping up where possible so that volunteers are available for those who really have no other option.

Blitzen 2 I agree .Many older people can be like this (not all!) and she is being unreasonable .You have offered your help and she is just taking it for granted .You are under no obligation here at all! Tell the Council you cannot do it any more and explain why .There are measures in place to deliver boxes to old folk who cant get out now .

OP I think you need to swap to helping someone else as this woman's demands are unreasonable and I don't think it's easy for you to challenge her on it. Let someone else do this. I would expect you to be going to one shop, once a week for her and for her not to leave you out of pocket about substitutions.

I do think some people are struggling with the necessary changes to how they shop. Shopping once a week requires more organisational skills and some people will struggle with this.

Also Corona times in my experience mean I am paying a lot more for my weekly shop. If you can only go to one shop and need to accept substitutions this tends to increase the bill which can be a worry for some people.

I agree with Nearlyalmost50, they don't realise what it's like out there.
My mum is shopping for her elderly aunt. She's constantly complaining about what she's being brought and how often she receives it. The other day she was arguing because my mum brought her a pack of 4 toilet rolls - this wasn't good enough for her and she demanded my mum go back and get more. My mum tried to explain that she'd queued for over an hour to get them and she was lucky to get them at all and it is 1 pack per person - her aunt just demanded she go and queue again then.
She's also had to be told to stop being greedy and eating all the food in one go just because she's bored, as there just isn't the facility for a daily shop to be done. My mum's husband is ill and every time my mum goes out for her aunt, she's risking contracting an illness she could pass on to him.
The level of ungratefulness is unreal but not all the elderly are like her and the lady you are shopping for, OP. You should get yourself removed from shopping for her as soon as possible.

@Ohtherewearethen

The conflation of one unreasonably demanding person with 'the elderly' is what makes the OP's post unreasonably ageist. I'm surprised I have to point that out.

Nothing to do with the OP's undoubtedly generous and considerate behaviour. One can be generous and considerate yet still ageist.

I think some elderly people can get a bit more unreasonable as they get older. Sometimes its just personality and sometimes a bit of cognitive decline , but you have to be firm and tell her it is one stop shop and if she wont accept alternatives she will have to go without . If she withholds payment tell her you cant help her and she will have to find alternatives . Many of us have had the same with our own mums and dads , they are set in their ways but these are different times .

catfeets, I sincerely hope that your mum didn't go out and queue again.
I think that some people are this demanding because people haven't stood up to them enough in the past.

I’ve said on another thread - the woman I shop for asked for cornflakes. No cornflakes so while in the shop I rang and asked what she’d like instead from what was available. Simple. Both of us satisfied

I just drop my little old man neighbour off at the shops then give him a lift home. Do that instead?

Wow, I'm impressed that you are working full time and volunteering at such a horrible and scary time. Well done! I think the lady you have been shopping for needs to be told that some things just won't be on the shelves. Can you have a system, where she marks on shopping list if she'd rather have nothing than a different flavour/ brand if her first choice not available? It's a shame you have had this experience when you're one of the people trying to help.

YANBU