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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very elderly shopping in Sainsburys today!

309 replies

ohdearmissus · 31/03/2020 15:48

AIBU to feel unusually angry when seeing elderly (80's90's) shopping in Sainsburys today?
Angry enough to be posting here in aibu for the 1st time.
I realise that I am probably naive..but the elderly that I know are self isolating and being responsible...following the instructions we have been given..
I understand that they are likely aware of the risks...but I am trying to work out if I am raging because I'm thinking that if they do become ill..they will expect to be cared for by the nhs.
Quite simply..of the people that I saw today..if they catch coronavirus...baring a miracle...it will be the end for them..Maybe what has made me so angry is that if people are clearly not following the advice (I had thought that most were)...then this is going to continue to spread.
We all have to do our bit.
Happy to be told iabu..but trying to calm myself down by posting here!

OP posts:
peony68 · 31/03/2020 16:07

I think you are being unreasonable , my parents are both in their late eighties and are isolating . They are very grateful that myself , my husband and two teens are able to get them and drop off whatever they need , but are very aware that not everyone has anyone who can do anything for them . This generation are not always tech savvy idea , so even if they have a computer being able to successfully do an on line shop is also very tricky . My mum and dad constantly say that they don't want to be a burden , which I find is a very typical response from the eldely so there will be many who don't want to "bother " people as they see it . Maybe rather than berate the elderly you could find a local group of volunteers and offer your services , thus stopping elderly vulnerable people having the need to go out . Just showing a little kindness and compassion goes a long way , often these people are living on their own and are scared and lonely , especially with the news reports of late .

LittlePesto · 31/03/2020 16:08

I seen some very old people when I was last out shopping about a week ago. I didn't feel angry, I felt worried for them and actually a bit upset that either they don't appreciate the risk or that they have no other option.

My mum and dad are over 80, my siblings and I call them daily to check up on them and to stress that they've not to go out! I managed to get my mum an online delivery, she wouldn't know how to do that herself, and I do a double shop when I go out and leave half at her door step. My brothers care, but live abroad so if it wasn't for me my parents would need to be out doing their own shopping. Neighbours would help, but in reality wouldn't be able to do a full shop for them every week and they wouldn't want to burden anyone to ask.

isabellerossignol · 31/03/2020 16:08

I think it takes a big leap of faith for an elderly person to contact a group of volunteers for help. The people volunteering are more than likely decent people doing a good thing, but it only takes for the local thugs to be keeping a close eye on whose houses the volunteers are going to and suddenly bingo, they have a list of every frail, vulnerable person in the area.

flirtygirl · 31/03/2020 16:11

YABU

  1. They may have no one to help and
  2. Maybe they won't seek help from the NHS.

Lots of older people are happy to die at home and I think we should let them.

This was my view before covid-19 as I hate the keep people alive at all costs crap. Too many people almost have to beg for death (ie pallative care but no more interventions) but they keep on with interventions. I watched this personally so maybe it has clouded me.

But back to the elderly shopping they can risk assess for themselves and quite frankly the NHS should be risk assessing for everyone.

There's a NHS chart about what care to expect depending on co morbidities vs resources which I'm sure they are following anyway.

PickleBottomNo3sMum · 31/03/2020 16:14

No delivery slots, they’re taken by all the selfish people who think they’re way too special to actually catch the virus, even though they’ll prob be ok whereas the elderly and immunocompromised may die.

Lalala205 · 31/03/2020 16:14

But it's okay for you to be out shopping and expecting full care from the NHS, OP? 🙄

Clymene · 31/03/2020 16:15

It's not just a leap of faith, it's also putting themselves into the 'needy' bracket. My parents are financially very comfortable, but they are in their late 80s. They don't want to be taking away resources from people who literally have nothing.

And you're right isabellerossignol - someone asked on our local facebook yesterday for help and this decidedly dodgy looking bloke said he'd take shopping round if she paid him. Thankfully someone stepped in with the official service but this whole crisis is ripe for manipulation by the unscrupulous

KenDodd · 31/03/2020 16:15

I have a ninety year old neighbour who's refusing to stay in, she's furious about being told she can't go out.

sunshinesupermum · 31/03/2020 16:16

You are being very, very unreasonable. Off to help if you don't want to see them having to shop for themselves in future!

People like you make me sick OP.

Belledan1 · 31/03/2020 16:16

There is also sometimes no buses that early for people to go to tge slotted times.

Devlesko · 31/03/2020 16:16

Would you rather they starved to death. One elderly person was found dead, hadn't eaten in a week.
Be more mad at the elderly people's friend, family and neighbours, for not shopping for them or helping them access the volunteer system.

MindyStClaire · 31/03/2020 16:17

The elderly haven’t been told to isolate unless they have conditions putting them in the extremely vulnerable category or they have symptoms - the same as everyone else. They are advised to be particularly rigorous in their care and avoiding others, like other people in the vulnerable category, but they haven’t been told to stay at home all of the time.

How else are they supposed to get food?!

This. Elderly people without very serious underlying conditions haven't actually been given any different guidance to 36 year old, pregnant, asthmatic me.

Now, granted, they will be at higher risk, and it would be nice if they didn't have to go out. But as others have said, there aren't enough volunteers and delivery slots to go around. Plus, maybe they've been stuck in the house for the past few weeks and made a decision to go out for their sanity.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 31/03/2020 16:18

My Dad (82) went to the village shop over the weekend and I was worried, but he was running out of essentials. Neighbours have been dropping off food but it soon runs out.

He can't starve, as others have said.

spiderlight · 31/03/2020 16:18

I would imagine that many of them are not there through choice. If they have no family or supportive neighbours and aren't computer literate (or simply can't get a slot), what do you think they should do? Sit at home alone and starve?

nicky7654 · 31/03/2020 16:19

The Elderly have worked all their lives so why shouldn't they expect the NHS to treat them??? How rude of you!!!!! And unless you are gonna offer to do their food shopping as they obviously have no one to help then be quiet!!!!!

mencken · 31/03/2020 16:19

the 'official' help takes time to organise, like anything. But many, many places have set up their own networks of help. In our village we got flyers (distributed without contact and quarantined for 24 hours both before and after pickup), and put them through every letterbox (wearing gloves, keeping a distance). This means I can help out other people's parents as other people are helping mine. The flyers had a name, a phone number and an email and it is working.

not everyone has the internet but pretty much everyone has the phone.

Thinkingabout1t · 31/03/2020 16:21

Blimey. Why not save your anger for idiots who cough at the police, or who shove past people who can't get a safe distance away in time? Or whoever has bought all the toilet rolls and bleach?

Your excuse about abuse of the NHS doesn't even make sense. A very old person won't use as many NHS resources as someone younger because they are likely to die quickly.

I actually am baffled by someone raging against a vulnerable person who is presumably shopping because they have no better option available. How can you not feel sympathetic or concerned, or just uninterested?

adaline · 31/03/2020 16:22

YABU. There are no food delivery slots available here until April 20th, and you can obviously only get one of those if you can get online in the first place.

Not everyone is aware of the community support available, either. Take my in-laws, for example. They have no internet connection or mobile phones so if their DC didn't live nearby they'd have no choice but to go out to the shops.

Not everyone has reams of support available to them.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 31/03/2020 16:22

The elderly haven’t been told to isolate unless they have conditions putting them in the extremely vulnerable category or they have symptoms - the same as everyone else All over 70s have been told to isolate Confused

Many people can't get shopping unless they do it themselves,no family nearby and no online delivery slots. They have no choice.

pangolina · 31/03/2020 16:23

My 97 yr old next door neighbour is still going out to do his own shopping. He wants to be independent and doesn't want to rely on other people.
He would rightly expect the NHS to look after him, having worked for his whole life and fought in WW2.

whataboutbob · 31/03/2020 16:23

It’s telling that you feel you are raging “because they will expect to be cared for by the nhs “. Everyone would. Do you feel an old person is less deserving of care?

GodolphianArabian · 31/03/2020 16:24

You are assuming they think of themselves as elderly and vulnerable. My dad is late 70s and struggles to believe that makes him old!

Rosebel · 31/03/2020 16:24

I do see where you're coming from as I see it at work all the time. It doesn't make me angry though, it makes me sad. I can see though that if they have no support and can't get to the shop for their "hours"then there's not much they can do. Also knowing a few older people they don't like to be a burden or loose their independence. Have only just managed to convince my parents to stop going shopping and to ask for help.

willowpatterns · 31/03/2020 16:24

An elderly person (90's) recently said to me that she would rather die now than spend what's left of her life in solitary confinement.

StarlightLady · 31/03/2020 16:25

Are they supposed to starve? There are no delivery slots. Delivery processes are not in place yet.