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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

152 replies

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 21:59

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sadSad

OP posts:
Boshmama · 30/03/2020 22:01

YANBU - I'd be sad and hurt too. So sorry you're going through this.

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2020 22:03

What do you mean he is making out it’s temporary? Are you trying to get this piece of shit back?

FuckingTuiles · 30/03/2020 22:03

What kind of key worker is he?

Needtobepositive · 30/03/2020 22:05

Ask him to bring you essentials and leave at the front door. Your parents shouldn’t have to given their age and he needs to step up.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 30/03/2020 22:06

What bluntness said x100

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/03/2020 22:07

I think there is more to this story about why he left and has not come back. People don’t just spontaneously walk away from partners and children without there being some sort of relationship break down.

But anyway, if I had gotten a text at the start of the lockdown asking “Are you all OK?” I would have interpreted that as a general checking to see if we needed any help. That was your invitation to text back “Not really. No idea how to do the food shop, can you help?”

So why didn’t you tell him you were not ok? Were you waiting for him to send you a specific list of things you might need help with? How was he supposed to know exactly what help you needed AND would accept from him?

Frozenfan2019 · 30/03/2020 22:08

I agree with Needtobepositive that you should just tell him to do the shopping. He should offer but as he hasn't.

His lack of concern or care for his children is disgraceful. I assume he isn't a nurse or carer with that selfish attitude.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:09

@Bluntness100 No I’m not trying to get him back. He moved out saying it was just a temporary separation but has treat me in an increasingly shitty manner since then. Yet last time he was round complained we are no further forward sorting things outConfused

@FuckingTuiles He’s a care assistant.

OP posts:
bigchris · 30/03/2020 22:09

.i’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials

You're got this the wrong way round Sad

Can't you online shop so you aren't risking your parents

He sounds awful , be glad he's gone!

Shouldbedoing · 30/03/2020 22:10

If you've spelled out to him the type of help you need and he's still unhelpful then you will know he's a total shit and you'll need to establish a support network that does not involve him. But I think we can already tell that he's an inadequate turd. It will be easier to rule him out of your plans than to deal with the death by a thousand cuts of being repeatedly let down by him. I'm sorry, its hard enough without this.

Frozenfan2019 · 30/03/2020 22:10

People don’t just spontaneously walk away from partners and children without there being some sort of relationship break down

Hmm obviously there was a relationship breakdown, that doesn't explain not speaking to your children or checking on them. He could be WhatsApp videoing them every day. Most decent people wouldn't see a relationship breakdown as a reason to leave their toddlers without food and they wouldn't need telling that their toddlers need to eat!

ThyrilThneer · 30/03/2020 22:10

Wow I wouldnt be relying on my elderly parents. Have you asked him to deliver you some shopping?

SittingAround1 · 30/03/2020 22:11

In reply to his text ' are you all ok' reply ' No I'm having problems getting essentials. Would you bring us some..... (list of essentials) please.
Don't get back together with him.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:12

@PlanDeRaccordement Yes clearly there’s been a relationship breakdown, but I didn’t want him to leave. I’d organised Relate counselling and asked him to stay while we did it, but he left anyway!

Perhaps I should have said I wasn’t OK, but I never know what sort of reaction I’m going to get. Frankly he should know I’m not OK. It should be pretty obvious that I’m stuck in with two small children.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2020 22:12

He’s a horrible piece of work and I think his current lack of care, while disappointing, is in keeping with his previous awful behaviour and why you’re no longer together Flowers

ssd · 30/03/2020 22:12

I'm sorry you are now seeing his true colours op. He sounds a cold hearted B.
I would outright demand his help right now. Be really forceful.
Then when it's all over, be really angry and get a lawyer.
You are so well rid of him.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:15

@bigchris There’s no online slots for weeks.

@Frozenfan2019 He never asks to face time them or anything. Not even when he hasn’t seen them for days/weeks.

I’m going to ring him tomorrow and spell it out to him that I need his help. I just know he’ll start going on about working/not driving etc.

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 30/03/2020 22:16

Don’t rely on your parents . They should be at home. Can you leave kids in car outside co op, ask a friend to meet you there to keep eye on them through window if need be 🙈 that’s what I have to do as my
Ex lives overseas now. Or loads of community help on fb groups

You need to be direct with DH and ask for help. He probably just hasn’t thought about it and can’t see beyond himself without someone to point out the bloody obvious to him

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 30/03/2020 22:17

I thought he sounded horrible on your last thread about him . He's just showing more if his true colours. Tell him you need some shopping picking up and see what he says

Thehop · 30/03/2020 22:18

You can’t ask your parents.

You’ll have to text him
A shopping list and get organised to divorce the prick when this is over

ssd · 30/03/2020 22:18

He's not an empathetic type though if you say your OK he doesn't think any further. You need to accept he can't read your mind nor does he have any sense to realise of course your not OK.
Maybe he thinks with your parents helping out you are fine.
He's obviously pretty dim.
But you need to be straighter cos he can't see further than his own nose.

NotStayingIn · 30/03/2020 22:20

I’m not surprised you’re hurt. He’s an arse. The only good thing is you know you haven’t made a mistake in breaking up!

As he is an arse I think you need to stop sitting around wanting him to act. Tell him you need whatever delivered to your front door, etc. He can alternate with your parents. There is no point anymore in hoping he will offer himself.

Either way, definitely do not get back with him, ever. Good luck OP

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:22

@FlapAttack23 I don’t drive. I had my test booked for May but it’s been cancelled for nowSad

@ssd He just doesn’t seem to get stuff. It’s like something doesn’t fire in his brain.

I will just be direct and see what he says.

Even more annoyingly I’ve got a Facebook chat going with a few of his female relatives. My MIL has never once questioned why my parents are doing all my shopping.

OP posts:
SharpieInThe · 30/03/2020 22:23

He's a massive prick.

You're probably safer on the bus with your baby than your parents are shopping for you. I'd put a stop to that, bastard ex or no.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:24

I’m not getting back with him. It’s very sad because I do still love him despite everything.

He didn’t used to be like this. He changed when the twins came along and now I barely recognise him.

OP posts:
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