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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

152 replies

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 21:59

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sadSad

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/03/2020 23:07

Don’t let him put it back on you op. Stay calm. Say don’t be ridiculous working parents buy food for their children too.

Out of interest are you claiming child support? Because if he’s not helpful I would start that ASAP, and if he kicks off shrug and say it was your choice / I don’t know why you decided to do it this way / I asked you for help but you obviously prefer it this way...

user1494182820 · 30/03/2020 23:07

YANBU that he should be helping.

YABU to risk your parents health rather than ask for help from other sources. If exDH won't help you need to reach out to your community, or suck it up like the other single parents and take your kids to the shop.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 23:10

Have you put in a child maintenance claim?

Also, there are a lot of local Facebook groups for anyone needing help and local shops are delivering. Try looking at your local fb page to see what the local shops are up to as I’ve found them far more reliable than the supermarkets. The butchers and grocers where I live are doing food boxes, for example.

OntheWaves40 · 30/03/2020 23:10

OP this is a joke surely? You are letting your 70 year old parents shop for you? You can’t be serious. No one is that selfish or stupid.

Why can’t you just take a bus and go yourself? All the buses round here are empty these days so risk is minimal, unlike you parents who could die because you don’t want to take toddlers on a bus.

inmyshoos · 30/03/2020 23:11

Op I remember your previous posts and I'm sorry things haven't got any better between you and your dh.
I'd second what many have said... Send a text... We need your help. I can't get out with the dc so I'm sending you a list.
They are his dc. He needs to step up.
Is he well at the moment?

Crinkle77 · 30/03/2020 23:16

God they always say 'temporary ' when what they mean is ill come back if I find out the grass isn't necessarily greener.

HappyGoLucky81 · 30/03/2020 23:18

I am also recently seperated and he has also shown no support. This was also pointed out to him a week ago that we needed his help when this gets bad. He is now living with his new girlfriend (who is actually really nice) and is totally wrapped up and self obsessed with his new life and doesn't make any effort unless pushed to interact with our 2 daughter (10&7).

I know if I asked he would get stuff but I don't want to, I'd rather struggle on my own that have to ask as i shouldn't have to, I do have help from family and friend but if I were in your situation with no-one to help I would ask and point out that it is for the health and wellbeing of his children!

Agree that your parents should stay home...and your brother should be reminded that he needs to help more..can he not do your shopping too?

Btw he sounds like a complete tool like my ex and I'm just grateful that my eyes are finally open to the reality that I married a self centred, pathetic dick, that I am happier without him even though its hard, please open yours eyes too your DC need you stronger than ever...xxxxxxx Daffodil

HappyHedgehog247 · 30/03/2020 23:21

Unless you have a health condition, you should be shopping not your parents.

Bouledeneige · 30/03/2020 23:24

He asked if you were okay and you didn't say that you couldn't get supplies and needed help. Why not? Why does he have to guess?
I'm sorry but really be a grown up and ask for help.

RainbowsAndReading · 30/03/2020 23:27

Your parents should absolutely not be doing your shopping. I'm sorry, he might be a dick by maybe making you go to the shops yourself but you are doing the same by making your parents do it.

gettingfedupagain · 30/03/2020 23:28

My ExH hasn't even seen our DC since just before Christmas. He lives 40 mins away and has a car. He hasn't texted me since January. Our DC have complex additional needs.

He is an ex for a reason. So is yours, remember this! It hurts but we don't need them

Josette77 · 30/03/2020 23:33

You are fine to take the kids out shopping. Lots of us have to and since they are still in a pushcart you'll fine.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 23:34

No time like the present so I rang DH. He said he’ll go for shopping tomorrow and drop it off at the door.

Tomorrow I will speak to DB and DPs.

Thank you everyone for giving me a kick up the arseSmile

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 30/03/2020 23:34

One of the things you need to learn this isn’t about you anymore . I was a Lp with little support from when my Ds was a baby. I asked people to pick up calpol and yoghurts when he was ill and wouldn’t eat.

Lots of people actually like to help. I put a note through an elderly neighbours door offering help. They don’t need it at the moment but have someone to ask.

I also had a friend self isolating asking for perscription collecting. She had loads of offers.

You just have to ask .

Other thing he isn’t your friend don’t imagine he is . His reasons are irrelevant ( though probably is another woman ) he is been an arsole so treat him in the fashion intended.

Send him a list we need this.

emilybrontescorsett · 30/03/2020 23:35

Your ex is a selfish prick.
Can you possibly contact anyone via fb and ask if they could drop you some shopping off and you bank transfer them the money.
There might be a local group doing this.
You really shouldn't have to ask your ex, he is their father for God's sake, and should be taking care of them.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 23:36

Sorry to the other people with annoying exesFlowers Times like this bring it home more than ever.

I asked him
Why he never FaceTimes DC and he said he’d find it too upsettingConfused

OP posts:
ssd · 30/03/2020 23:37

Good, glad it's sorted.

Time to look after you and the kids and see him for what he us, a spoilt mammys boy who can't think of others especially his own children's welfare. And if he has another woman, more fool her. Her time will come, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 23:37

@Starlight456 I am terrible for asking for help. It’s a trait I’ve learned from my DM who is exactly the same. I’ve given my head a wobble though and will be wobbling DMs tomorrowSmile

OP posts:
Frigginella · 30/03/2020 23:39

I haven’t RTFT but you really should absolutely not be letting your parents do the shopping. You should be taking your toddler twins in a taxi/bus shopping and dropping off what your parents need. You and your twins (as long as no medical conditions indicated) are at a significantly lower risk or death than them.

ssd · 30/03/2020 23:40

Don't worry too much about your parents or brother, meant in the best possible way, you have enough on your plate, concentrate on yourself and the twins and start making plans to get shot of your ex.

Starlight456 · 30/03/2020 23:41

Yes I am not brilliant however I have learnt slowly it’s ok to ask for help.

You also learn a lot about people when you need something.

It’s very easy to be a friend when your friend needs nothing

Roostersmum2 · 30/03/2020 23:43

He's a twat and you shouldn't even need to ask, that being said I do get a distinct impression that you don't feel able to tell him you need him to go to the shop for you and the kids which is sad.

Why are you holding back from requesting the bare minimum of support that he should be giving you already? Do you always find yourself walking on eggshells?

What a tosser. Please don't ever take him back.

ssd · 30/03/2020 23:43

I can imagine your real friends will come out the woodwork now, or else show their true colours.
Much like after a bereavement.

defineme · 30/03/2020 23:48

A lot of my local shops - butchers, greengrocers, bakery, corner shop and even post office are delivering to those who can't get out - see if it's on their facebook page or give them a ring.

oakleaffy · 30/03/2020 23:48

As others have said,..Don't risk your elderly parents..The risk of death/serious complications is greater in older people...{my 70 yr old friend wouldn't believe me, said he was ''fit and well'' having just suffered major surgery...
OP, Your husband probably is seeing someone...but just doesn't want to say so..Often men lack the guts to say so , a ''trial separation'' is a convenient excuse...
He has to be the one doing the shopping.
Sadly some men are selfish gits when they cut the ties of family life :(
It is shocking he hasn't asked after the children...this makes me think he may be distracted by a new 'person' .