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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

152 replies

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 21:59

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sadSad

OP posts:
lmcneil003 · 31/03/2020 09:46

Nasty man. You should be grateful he has left you.

AudaCityLimits · 31/03/2020 09:53

I get it. You're adjusting to becoming a single parent, and that adjustment often means coming to terms with the fact that you don't rely on anyone. At all.
It is horrible, because it shouldn't be like this... But nobody owes you anything. So you make a list of foods you need, and meal plan. Go out shopping. Once a week. I am a single mother with two boys, one a teen, and I managed to do it in two shopping bags.
Next, your parents must not leave the house, only for exercise, once a day. They must not come into contact with anyone they don't live with, including you and your kids. Tell your brother to shop for them, and to leave it on their doorstep. If he doesn't, they can go once a week to the shop, but only for themselves.
If they caught coronavirus now, you'd feel horribly, horribly guilty. Of course they say they're going anyway, they're saying it to be nice.
Now is the time for the real, strong, no-bullshit you to come out. You don't need this bellend man who treats you like shit. Show him you can do very well without him.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 31/03/2020 10:17

@OliviaBenson I can do shopping on the bus. I just can’t do shopping for two households with a double pram and twins to manage as well. It’s a physical impossibility.

@Audacitylimits They really aren’t saying to to ‘be nice’ As I’ve already said upthread they are only getting stuff for me when they go for themselves. I’ve already had to tell my DM to stop going out daily for bits and pieces for her and my DF. Going to the shops daily is so ingrained in her that she can barely stop herself. My parents aren’t two people desperate to self isolate who are dragging themselves out just for my sake. Up until a few days ago it’s been impossible for me to get them to take the situation seriously.
I cannot get the shopping for two households into two small bags in one go. That’s just not possible. It would require at least two trips.
I’m sorry you’re in the same situation. It is indeed shiteSad

As I’ve said upthread I'm going to speak to my family and sort it. I will sort my shopping and DB is going to have to go for my parents. If he won’t then I’ll have to go and shop for them as a last resort.

OP posts:
Bakingbaking · 31/03/2020 10:31

Use a taxi to get your shopping. Why can't you do that?

saraclara · 31/03/2020 11:09

@Bakingbaking you know that for many people a taxi is way out of their means, right?

madcatladyforever · 31/03/2020 11:13

You need to tell him what he should be doing to help. Tell him straight, don't expect him to guess. Say I need you to do my shopping as my parents are self isolating here's a list.
And go on from there.

BananaPlant · 31/03/2020 11:15

I think people are being a bit unfair on the OP, she’s been left in the shit by her DH and is managing toddler twins on her own. I agree your parents shouldn’t really be doing your shopping, your brother really should be stepping up here.

Again OP, look at local help on fb and local shops, there’s more on there than you might realise.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 31/03/2020 11:24

Op says upthread she asked her DH to move out for some space then says he left her so unsure if she was really 'left in the shit'. Either way a break up is tough. As previous posters have said though, pity parties won't help in this situation. You even say OP that your friend has set up a support group so use them! Even if you just get your parents sorted with the group you can then use the bus/your brother/your ex to pick up the bits you need at home.

Having a baby is tough and twins even more so but now is the time to dig deep and make it happen for you. Use your voice. Ask people for help. Good luck

Bakingbaking · 31/03/2020 11:27

A taxi may be out of some people's means but it might be her only option. İ listed 7 ideas up post and all were ignored

okiedokieme · 31/03/2020 11:30

That's really bad. My stbexh called me as soon as lockdown was announced to work out what was best for everyone, he offered to stay with the kids (adults) as I'm not at home. I actually suspect that if I hadn't got a dp he would be wanting to come back, but he cooked his goose a year ago when he left me.

OlaEliza · 31/03/2020 11:33

Even more annoyingly I’ve got a Facebook chat going with a few of his female relatives. My MIL has never once questioned why my parents are doing all my shopping.

You sound too passive. Use your words and ask for what you need 🙄

moita · 31/03/2020 11:37

No advice but what a nasty man

OlaEliza · 31/03/2020 11:37

Please explain how I am supposed to do the shopping for myself, two DC, my parents, their four dogs and two cats, alone and on the bus? Who looks after my DC while I do it? I can’t take them with me and I’ve got nobody to leave them with.

Well you can because other single parents are taking their kids shopping. Do multiple trips. What makes yours so special? I can't believe you are sending 70yo people out for your shopping. You're a disgrace, tbh.

OlaEliza · 31/03/2020 11:48

I cannot get the shopping for two households into two small bags in one go. That’s just not possible. It would require at least two trips.

Why can't you hook bags over the handles?

FeeKelLDN · 31/03/2020 12:00

TELL HIM what you & your DV need ie give him your shopping list. And YANBU, but you do need to open your eyes. He's not trying to reconnect with you or your DC as a family, so he's already checked out! Be kind to yourself & work towards a new life without him. Take care & stay safe.

ilikemethewayiam · 31/03/2020 12:12

As other PP’s have said, a lot of local shops are delivering shopping for people in your situation. Phone around. Check out local FB groups for information and info.

Your H has shown his true colours. Put it to him that HIS children need supplies. He’s not ‘doing you a favour’. You don’t get to opt out of parenting!. he needs to step up. I’m glad to see he has now and hope it continues.

I feel for all the mothers in this situation. I myself have offered to do shopping via my local community FB page for people in this situation. There maybe some in your area too.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2020 14:07

The op has sorted it out with her ex if you rtft

Your brother really needs to step up if asda is just down the road its not good enough does he not read the advice

ittakes2 · 31/03/2020 14:11

I am sorry it’s not fair but you and your toddlers are at less risk than your 70 plus parents. Google to see if there are any local groups to help you - do a letter drop of your street.

ittakes2 · 31/03/2020 14:14

I have twins - one thing I used to do until they were 2 was stick one in the pram and strap the other to my chest with a baby Bjorn - the spare seat can be used to carry food. Hope you get things sorted.

doodleygirl · 31/03/2020 14:24

Just add your parents shopping to your list and give it to your ex.

Your thread is very difficult to read as you keep changing your mind. It is simple really,
Ex shops for you and hopefully your parents or your brother does. If your parents refuse to abide by the rules you can’t force them.

staceyflack · 31/03/2020 15:06

The man's an arse hole. I'm so sorry. Yes, spell out what you and the children need right now in a practical sense. When this is all over, you can treat him with the contempt he deserves. 💐

Babyboomtastic · 31/03/2020 20:14

You need to think more creatively around how to get the food home. For a start, it's only a taxi for the return leg, and you pay towards that with only getting a single to the shop.

Or you come back on the bus, and use the basket, hang a couple of bags off the handles, and use as big a backpack as you can manage. Of you need extra space, either put one toddler in a sling on your front, put a small backpack in your front.

Yes you'll look like a packhorse, and it'll he sweaty and exhausting, but it gets the job done and is a workout all at the same time.

Ps: I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do. I've moved house (travelling across London on the tube and on several trains) with 2 suitcases, and front and back backpacks -inc one that's 100l, also brought a wardrobe hole from IKEA on the bus).

It's very selfish of you to let your parents shop.cyoucshould be more worried about your parents with a 10% mortality rate if they get it, going out, than your twins with their 0.2% mortality rate.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 01/04/2020 00:24

It's really not a good idea to have your elderly parents doing the shopping. DH or ex or whatever his status currently is should be doing it. I'd just message him and tell him that as it's not safe for you to take the children on the bus and you don't drive you need him to pick shopping up for you and drop it at the door. If he's difficult about it or ignores you I'd speak to your MIL about this, and your FIL. Maybe they could shout some sense into him given that their grandchildren are involved, though the fact that your MIL hasn't suggested he do it already isn't a great sign.

TealWater · 01/04/2020 04:55

Can't you get your groceries delivered?

If not, to save on some cost, perhaps you could catch the bus/walk there and then get a taxi back with all the groceries? I used to do that when I lived alone and didn't have my car.

As to your parents, why did they once go out every day? I've never heard of anyone doing that. And the petrol/wear and tear you would waste when one trip a week/fortnight is what people do. Most people doing their weekly shopping or fortnightly shopping and get enough, going out every day just for groceries is ridiculous. I don't know anyone who could be arsed going out for groceries every single day. Do they have a reason for why on earth they did that?

Antipodeancousin · 01/04/2020 05:48

I remember your situation with your DH from previous threads. If I remember correctly he couldn’t look after his own children and claimed he needed to temporarily abandon his family to ‘work on his depression’.
I am not surprised he is useless now.
Trial separations are rarely only temporary, it’s a cowards way to leave their family.

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