To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

[NoNeedToBeRudeDear]

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sad

@NoNeedToBeRudeDear
I asked him
Why he never FaceTimes DC and he said he’d find it too upsettingconfused

This. /...... So w@nkerish and grossly unfair to the children.

He already pays maintenance at the rate I worked out he owes using the CSA calculator. In fairness he pays it every month on his payday without fail.

I feel it’s a bit unfair to say that I’m the one risking my parents lives. My DM would have been going to the shops anyway. It’s been a nightmare trying to get her to stop going every single day! I lied today when she rang and said I didn’t need anything to stop her going again. I will be speaking to her tomorrow though and telling her she’s not going anymore.

@oakleaffy I was at it’s too upsetting for him. He’s the one that left. I didn’t want him to go. Sometimes I feel like he acts like I threw him out. He also started moaning about work and how it’s really hard only going there she being stuck in the house.

Because obviously I’m not finding it hard stuck in with two toddlers. I swing between feeling sympathy and wanting to kill him.

Please do not make your mum and dad do your shopping it’s not worth there lives. Tell them you will now be doing there shopping and they must stay in 💔💔💔

Where’s he living and who’s he living with?

Sorry, I think YABU. He asked if everything was ok and you said it was. In his shoes, I'd take you at your word and assume you had enough food in or had deliveries sorted. He only has your word to go on so if things aren't ok, you need to tell him that. If he is a key worker looking after coughing patients/service users all day, he no doubt has his own worries about catching something and potentially passing it on to you or the DC which may be why he is keeping a distance, but the fact he made contact on lockdown day shows you are at the front of his mind. I just don't really understand why you didn't reply honestly and say "no, we need x, y & z and I'm worried about my vulnerable parents too"

He has to act like this to justify to himself what he has done . They all do it !

He asked if you were ok, why didn’t you ask them?
If he left 4 mo this ago it’s safe to say he’s not coming back.

DH “are you all OK?”
OP "we're well, but I've got a real problem getting food because the supermarkets don't want kids in at the moment. If I give you a list, could you do some shopping for us?"

See how easy it is to just be straightforward? It almost seems like you wanted to have something to moan about. I have no idea why you just sat and waited for something else to happen.

You have many options...

1. Tell ex what you need and you need help.

2.Ask a friend to come shopping with you? Or do your shopping for you 3.Ask your brother to do it.

1. Ask your brother to watch the kids
2. Get a taxi to and from the super market.
3. Try and get a click and collect and pay a taxi to collect it.

7.check on Facebook for a community support system. There are hundreds set up all over the place.

'Its a bit unfair to say I'm risking my parent's lives'

You are. Your ex is a dick but it transpires after you asked him to drop shopping off he said he would.

I'm sure he is still a dick and that's why you have felt it difficult to ask him. That is not your fault.

Getting you parents to do it IS partly your fault. Tell them no and do it for them.

DO NOT RING HIM.

He wants out. Let him out. I guarantee that the second he actually thinks you don’t care and are doing fine without him - he’ll be back.

Obviously hard to do much atm but use the opportunity to get your shit together. Have fun with the kids, exercise for you, move the furniture. Work out how to get driving lessons when this is over.

I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed. Please stop this immediately. If they get it they're so much more likely to die from it. You or someone else if you can't should be shopping for them! Don't "bollock" your brother as he can just do the same to you back! Just speak to him like and adult and discuss the fact they shouldn't be shopping at all.

Even more annoyingly I’ve got a Facebook chat going with a few of his female relatives. My MIL has never once questioned why my parents are doing all my shopping. why is that even more annoying? It isn't his mums or any other female relatives job to police him.

Its a bit unfair to say I'm risking my parent's lives it's true though. If we get it as bad as Spain it won't be long before everyone over 65 is refused or taken off a ventilator.

Your parents would actually be marginally safer if you left the twins with them and you did the shop.
If your ex isn't reliable don't rely on him, if he us get him to do yours and if possible your parents shopping. His key worker status gets him special access. Supermarkets are encouraging people where they can to add a few things for people they know are in need

Thank you @waterOffADuckscrack

Look after you elderly parents. YOUR job to look after your family. I am seriously upset so many think it is someone else's job.

Your ex is a wanker. So are you if all you care about is what he is doing.

This thread reminds me of a woman I know, she gets offended, refuses to talk, doesn’t ask for help neither answers her phone, then she gets all angry and frustrated because people are not reading her mind and have not offered to help.

Sorry op, there’s a time when you need to grow up, talk to your ex about your needs and if he doesn’t listen, sort it yourself, but don’t involve two vulnerable adults in this pity circus. You are an adult now and a mother, take care of yourself and your own children.

"your parents are at far, far higher risk than your toddlers - over 70s are the most vulnerable group"

^This

You need to stick your DC in the buggy and go shopping, like most other SPs

Getting out and being more independent is an important step in adjusting to being an SP

I feel it’s a bit unfair to say that I’m the one risking my parents lives. My DM would have been going to the shops anyway

No, it's not unfair.
You started a thread because your feelings are hurt. Because your ex-h disappoints you. You were quite happy to have your 70yr old parents shop for you. There is no one else to blame for that.

My dad would have continued to go out everyday as well but I would not let him. My parents didn't really take it as seriously as they should and definitely wouldn't have if I got them to shop for me. I told them they must stay home and I arranged everything for them to do so. So this "yeah but they were going anyway..." doesn't fly.

Even now you are focusing more on how disappointed you are in your ex-dh. You need to concentrate on keeping your loved ones safe.

What do you say when he asks if you’re ok? Do you say yes? He might be a heartless bastard or he might be one of those thick blokes that need everything spelling out to them. Spell it.

It's good you've asked him to get you some shopping and I'm glad that it is.

I'm glad you've realised that you can't keep relying on your parents, you need to talk to your brother today about taking that on. They need to all understand that this is life and death now. If your parents get it they are likely to die, as the NHS is now starting to deprioritise older people for ventilators. This is what I have told my parents and they are now finally not going out and I bring them what they need.

Your brother needs to take responsibility for your parents and your ex needs to take responsibility for you.

But if you do need to go out put them in a buggy, put the rain cover over them and give them a tablet to watch to keep them quiet. You need gloves on and to be super careful.

I can understand you not wanting to risk your toddlers on the bus but in fairness, buses are probably super quiet right now anyway and that short bus journey with them is less risky than sending your elderly parents to the supermarket for you constantly. Your parents are in a high risk group, the toddlers aren’t.

Could your parents self isolate apart from coming to your house? I know that’s technically not allowed but if they don’t go anywhere apart from your house and their house it’s very low risk and pretty much the same as one household? Then they can baby sit while you go out and shop for everyone?

Sorry OP, but I don't agree. He is a carer and likely to be under huge stress right now both due to being overworked as there will be a reduction in staff available and because his job is putting him at risk.

He asked you if you were ok that was your chance to say yes, but can't go out shopping and cupboard running low, could you get be x, y and z.

You didn't so he is assuming you are ok and focusing on his situation.

If you'd ask and he's say no way get lost, that would be another matter.

Sorry for the late response.

Do people think it would be OK for my parents to come here and watch the babies and me do the shopping for them? I’m perfectly happy to do that. I’m just concerned because the guidelines say households can’t mix.

It really isn’t practical or even possible for me to do shopping for four adults, two children and a variety of cats and dogs on the bus with a double pram. It barely has any basket space. I can only really manage two small bags tops while managing the pram as well.

And I DO need to speak to my brother. He’s asking my DM to bring him shopping and he lives ten minutes walk from Asda ffs!

I haven’t been on a bus since lock down but they do seem quiet. All my family/friends are warning me not to take them on the bus though so I suppose I just took that on board.

No OP. They aren't allowed to come and watch your children.

And how come you can suddenly travel on a bus to do yours and their shopping when you were adamant you couldn't do that earlier?

Your ex is going shopping for you now. You can talk to your brother and get him to do your parents shopping.

You are making this far harder than it needs to be.