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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

152 replies

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 21:59

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sadSad

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 30/03/2020 22:24

I hope you’re not planning on having this wank badger back.

Send him a shopping list & tell him he needs to get it to you ASAP.

Do not allow your parents to take up his slack.

SharpieInThe · 30/03/2020 22:25

I’ve got a Facebook chat going with a few of his female relatives. My MIL has never once questioned why my parents are doing all my shopping

Don't martyr yourself.

Ask the younger female relatives if they can ship for you or if you'll be getting the bus with baby.

Honestly, I'd go shopping for a stranger right now. Thousands of people are doing just that. There's someone other than your elderly parents who will do this for you.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:26

@SharpieInThe I’m terrified to take DC on the bus but also terrified for my parents.

I’m
Going to have to bollock my brother tomorrow as well because he’s not offering to go shopping for parents despite being a fit and well 43 year oldAngry

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 30/03/2020 22:27

Ah that’s hard then .. I’d struggle with my two in a shop as they’re feral and would go lick everyone and everything 😤

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:27

@SharpieInThe His family are in another part of the country so can’t help out.

OP posts:
june2007 · 30/03/2020 22:27

Sometimes you have to just ask. Can you get some shopping for me? Or can you give me a lift to they shops? or Can you look after the children whilst I go to the shops?.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:32

@june2007 I don’t want him looking after the DC while I shop. He’s surrounded all day by staff and service users constantly coughing (his words) I’m terrified my DC get ill[sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:32

@FlapAttack23 Well mine are still small enough to sit quietly in their pushchair but give it time...

OP posts:
flippityflobberty · 30/03/2020 22:33

Spell it out to him. Whilst thinking TWAT to yourself

CJsGoldfish · 30/03/2020 22:35

Having your 70yr old parents shop for you is the issue here. Who does that? I know you said you have no other way but that should never have been the way. If anything YOU should be getting their essentials.

If you haven't actually asked him to help you, now is not the time to be playing that game. Yes, he's a twat, yes you're better off without him and yes, he should have offered up help.
He didn't though, not surprisingly, but instead of asking him you moan about his lack of thought, which you already know is an issue?

Find a way to get your groceries that is not potentially compromising the health of your parents.

HollowTalk · 30/03/2020 22:36

I know there aren't any online deliveries, but is there a click and collect service? I had a text from my local taxi firm to say they will pick up click and collect items and charge the taxi fare. Is there anything like that you can do?

In any case I would tell him that returning isn't his decision. You have decided you don't want him back. I would bet my house that he's living with another woman. Who does he say he's living with?

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/03/2020 22:36

I think you really have to look at your priorities your parents are at far, far higher risk than your toddlers - over 70s are the most vulnerable group.
Does your area have a Facebook group they often have community help.
What ever you do you must stop your parents going out to protect them.

maddening · 30/03/2020 22:37

Has he got someone else? You would think that the loneliness when not at work would have meant he would have been more communicative - Imo that means he has something else to occupy this part of his mind.

HillAreas · 30/03/2020 22:37

My DH has been making sure his ex is ok because she is in the vulnerable group of people via several categories so it’s a very worrying time for her.
This is despite the fact that DSD is actually with us for now. He cares about his ex health and well-being because he values her as the mother of his eldest child. No previous beef matters very much right now.
Your children’s father shouldn’t need this spelled out. A single woman with toddler twins and elderly parents may well need a bit of help providing food for his children at this time - this isn’t a difficult mental leap.
He’s a twat and I don’t blame you in the slightest for feeling hurt and leg down.

BraveLittleDragon · 30/03/2020 22:39

Have you actually asked him for help?

If you are not saying you need help he will (like most) assume all is OK?

Ask him for help, tell him what you need, and don't put your parents at risk please.

Lynda07 · 30/03/2020 22:39

You're not unreasonable, if he comes near to you the least he could do is ask what you need, try to get them and then drop them off. What a selfish git.

Boozeless · 30/03/2020 22:39

Please don't rely on your ExH for anything or expect him to care about anyone but your DC. You're not a couple anymore. And for Christs sake don't let your parents shop for you. You should be helping them, not the other way around, unless there is going to be a massive dripfeed about you being disabled! Its time to stand on your own 2 feet & find a way around this!

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:40

@CJsGoldfish Please explain how I am supposed to do the shopping for myself, two DC, my parents, their four dogs and two cats, alone and on the bus? Who looks after my DC while I do it? I can’t take them with me and I’ve got nobody to leave them with.

You’re correct about me not asking DH though. I need to speak to him and I will do tomorrow. I should have done it sooner. My parents have only just started taking this situation seriously themselves. Up until
The weekend my dad kept going on about how overblown it all isShock

OP posts:
rvby · 30/03/2020 22:40

Why are you waiting for all these people to offer to help you/your parents?

You have two very small children who need you to be sensible, as well as older relatives who need someone in their corner. Start asking for help. Be direct.

This isn't the time to martyr yourself. Your ex sounds useless, but you already knew that, he's already walked out on his family, it's no surprise. Save your mental health and energy, stop thinking how unfair it is and start taking the actions that are possible for you.

BraveLittleDragon · 30/03/2020 22:40

And you don't need to bollock your brother - your parents are not self isolating because they are doing things for You, so why would he shop for them?

You cannot have it both ways.

JaneEyre7 · 30/03/2020 22:41

Write him a list of foods/essentials that you and your DC need, and tell him to leave it on the doorstep. And please stop your parents going out for you. Tell him it's not optional, and you cannot go out with the children. End of.

Stop waiting for someone who doesn't care to start caring. It won't ever happen.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 30/03/2020 22:43

You don't need him.
Whereabouts are you? There was already thread today where OP got a loads of info on local grocery deliveries. It's not just supermarkets now

Womencanlift · 30/03/2020 22:43

So you would rather your parents, who are in the age bracket of the most vulnerable, put themselves at risk than take toddlers out who can sit in a pushchair or even better still speak up and ask your ex to help! YABVU

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:43

@Boozeless No I’m not disabled but shopping for all of us would mean multiple trips to the shops every week, on the bus with my DC. My parents wouldn’t let me do it.

I need to sort it though, so thank you to the people giving me a kick up the arse. I needed it. I’m going to speak to DH, my brother and my parents tomorrow.

I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to stop my DM going to the shops. It’s been hard enough stopping her going every day!

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 30/03/2020 22:44

He’s a care assistant.

Flipping heck, at least I'd imagined him to be some sort of big executive with great demands on his time.

What sort of care is he giving to his own?

Spell that out to the man. You need some assistance from your ex and what's more, you and your children are entitled to it.

It's not your fault he's too much of a child to cope with his babies.

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