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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt separated DH hasn’t offered us any help?

152 replies

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 21:59

Background. DH left the family home two weeks before Xmas (his decision) We have toddler twins.

He is a key worker so still out travelling around. Obviously I’m now at home alone with our DC. I don’t drive and I’m not willing to risk taking DC on bus to the supermarket. I’m having to rely on my 70 year old parents to bring us essentials. That makes me anxious as I don’t like them being out and about any more then needed.

Since this started last Monday DH hasn’t once asked if we need anything or offered to get any shopping etc. for us. For context he works ten minutes walk from our house. In fact he rang me on the lock down Monday, and after a brief discussion about not being able to come round and visit started having a go at me about an unpaid council tax bill!

He’s text once since, but only a generic “are you all OK?” message. I’ve sent him a few pictures of the DC (not requested. He never asks to see pictures of them) He’s sent back
brief replies but nothing more.

AIBU to be both hurt and furious at his total lack of care? He tries to make out like this separation is temporary, but I feel
Like he just doesn’t really give a shit about us. The worst bit is I can’t say anything as he will just turn it round and make out I’m being unfair.

I just feel so sadSad

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 30/03/2020 22:44

I’m sorry but honestly, the best thing your ex can do being a key worker is stay away from you all. Sure, he could help but that’s the problem of splitting up... they don’t (most of the times).

I think however YABU by expecting your 70+ year old parents to help you during this crisis, they are far more vulnerable than you and your kids, you should be the one doing the shopping for them.

From a fellow single mum, stop expecting people to do things for you, life is very unfair but when you end in this circumstances you need to pull yourself together for your kids and yourself (and your parents), you are the strongest one, you need to support your kids and your parents as much as you can, we cope because there is no other option (and please stop hurting yourself by expecting anything from that waste of space, don’t forget that his selfishness is the reason why you are no longer together).

BraveLittleDragon · 30/03/2020 22:44

Put the raincover over the pram if you take them out though as well...

But yeah, I plain don't understand your attitude on this at all.

scubadive · 30/03/2020 22:45

You shouldn’t be letting your parents shop at all. They are high priority for deliveries. You should set these up for them if they aren’t able.

You then need to clearly tell your DH that he needs to start shopping for you as you don’t drive. If you get organised you can get click and collect slots and ask DH to pick them up for you or send a taxi? (A friendly local firm should do this for you.)

You must protect your parents. If you children get it, they will most like.y be fine but .i can see you don’t want to take the risk and most supermarkets are limiting entry to one person per shop.

SharpieInThe · 30/03/2020 22:45

I’m terrified to take DC on the bus but also terrified for my parents

Neither is ideal. Unfortunately viruses don't care about our family set-ups. Honestly try a neighbour. I'm out of 14 days now and I'm on the local list as a volunteer driver. I don't care if I've never clapped eyes on them before, here to shop and pick up prescriptions.

Roweeeeena · 30/03/2020 22:45

YABU to want to 'bollock' your brother. You have the same parents and neither of you are helping them out, so you would be a hypocrite to criticise him.
I would think your twins are at a lower risk if they caught covid19 than your parents too so it doesn't make any sense to be sending them. I would either get on the bus with them to get essential bits or ask around on local Facebook groups and see if anyone can help. There's loads of people willing to help at the moment.
As for the ex, he has shown he is useless. Bear that in mind when he tried to come back.

LellyMcKelly · 30/03/2020 22:45

Don’t wait to be offered, for heaven’s sake. Tell him you need him to do the shopping. “Obviously I can’t go shopping. Can you do a shop for us? We need...thank you”.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 22:48

You need to find your strength and your anger here. Pull him up on his shittyness, stop the nicey nicey rubbish with his family. Start telling everyone straight and that includes your brother. Be direct. No one else will stand up for your kids so you need to do it.

SharonasCorona · 30/03/2020 22:48

Why are people making excuses for the brother?

Of course the brother is better placed to shop for his parents rather than his sister who is a single mum to two toddlers with zero support from her ex.

OP, I assume your brother isn’t a single dad to two toddlers?

Also, your ex is a dickhead and you are better off without him even though the lack of support right now for you is shit.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/03/2020 22:48

Are there are community groups that can help OP?

I am assuming your parents could get online deliveries if they are in their 70s.

ShellsAndSunrises · 30/03/2020 22:49

he’s not offering to go shopping for parents despite being a fit and well 43 year old

Is that because they’re going out for you anyway? We are shopping for fiancé’s parents but we are expecting them to stay inside/in their garden...

You can’t ask your parents to shop for you. Tell them to stop. If brother won’t and you don’t have any friends who could leave some things on your doorstep, then it’s him or take the kids. If he’s a care worker, and an unreliable and disinterested father to boot, I think I’d go myself. I wouldn’t want to be at all dependent on him, and it sounds like you may have to get used to taking them on the bus. Cover them in a rain cover in the pushchair.

Don’t take him back, regardless.

KaptenKrusty · 30/03/2020 22:50

You need to just forget about this man - stop asking your parents to do the shops for you - they can still their own shopping - you do yours ! You can take your twins to the shops if they can go in the buggy! You are allowed out to do shopping trips and go for a walk etc - just to the shops when it a a bit quieter - I’ve found later in the afternoon/early evening best - first thing in the morning avoid?

I don’t think you have much other choice - if you and your twins did get ill it would likely be fine - your parents are the ones at risk in this situation !

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:51

@maddening He swears he has no body else. I’m fact gets furious when I suggest it.

All his behaviour points to it though. I’ve been asking since he moved out.

How best do I speak to my parents? Because they are utterly adamant I can’t take the babies out on the bus/shopping.

I am in the NE. One of my friends has actually just set up a mutual aid group in my area so I will speak to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:53

My parents aren’t just going out for my shopping by the way. They are shopping for themselves at the same time. I’m
Asking them for the bare minimum we can get by on. Their argument is that they’re going out anyway so may as well get mine.

And my brother does need a bollocking. I found out today he’s been asking DM to get shopping for him despite living ten minutes walk from Asda!

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/03/2020 22:54

Why are you waiting for people to offer? You're being entirely passive and then pissed off when they don't.

Tell your DH that you need him to shop for you and his kids. Tell your brother that he needs to shop for his parents, because they shouldn't be going out, and you can't do it. Spell it out instead of waiting for them to read your mind.

Ellapaella · 30/03/2020 22:57

I'm in the NE and there are loads of local FB groups offering to help out, just have a look at your local page. Have you really got no friends who would do the shopping?
We've had to isolate this last week due to symptoms and we've had so many offers of help I've had to turn people down!
Agree with others you just need to ask for help, don't wait for the offers if it's not forth coming.

Original poster
NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 30/03/2020 22:57

@saraclara I’ve just said I’m going to speak to them all tomorrow and sort it. Please read the threadSmile

OP posts:
BraveLittleDragon · 30/03/2020 22:58

There's no point bollicking your brother when your parents are not self isolating, stop relying on them, they can self isolate, your partner can help you and your brother can help them. If they are going to the shops anyway, I see no reason why they couldn't get him something.

Not rocket science is it?

ssd · 30/03/2020 22:58

My MIL has never once questioned why my parents are doing all my shopping.

You can see where he gets it then....

milkysmum · 30/03/2020 23:00

I understand your pain with this. I'm a nurse and I have 2 primary aged children. Soon to be ex husband hasn't even so much as sent us a text since Xmas time, you'd have thought something like a global pandemic might have prompted him to check in at least, but not a thing the wanker- I'm furious honestly and will never forgive him, unfortunately I don't think the children will either. Honestly some people really do show their true colours don't they....

Shortfeet · 30/03/2020 23:01

Of course you can bundle your kids into a buggy and go on the bus to get food.

Coronavirus or not , this is what thousands of parents do every day all over the world.

You are being silly but I think we all are a bit at the moment.

You can do this !

Shortfeet · 30/03/2020 23:02

Also, message your ex with a shopping list !

GabsAlot · 30/03/2020 23:03

all of them need a bollocking

your parents for not following advice

brother for a being a lazsy shit

and your ex for not offering

pallisers · 30/03/2020 23:04

Don't ask. Tell. Say

OH, as you know it will be impossible and inadvisable for me to shop with 2 year old twins. For me to feed them I need you to buy the following (give the list). You can leave the stuff outside the door as it is probably best for you not to be in contact. I'm managing as best I can entertaining two 2 years olds indoors. I'm sure you can imagine what that is like. hope you are doing well. best NoNeed

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2020 23:05

Just send him a text with a shopping list!

SallySun123 · 30/03/2020 23:06

It must be an awful time to be a newly single parent. Can you go and live with your parents during lockdown and all isolate together? (it may be a bonkers suggestion, I have no idea of their living circumstances). Then you could try and get a delivery for all of you together. Morrisons deliver food boxes at the moment as well which could be an option.