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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave husband during lockdown

619 replies

MWallsb · 29/03/2020 21:53

Currently living with my husband in a remote area far away from any of my family and friends, who are all in London where I’m from originally. Since getting married last year and subsequently moving to my husband’s hometown, he’s become abusive both physically and mentally. Prior to lockdown, things were just about manageable as he’d spend long hours at work and often worked away for extended periods of time. For the last two weeks, he’s been WFH and things have become unbearable. My anxiety is through the roof and I don’t feel able to cope in the home. It has dawned on me that I need to leave the marriage sooner rather than later. I’m lucky enough to have a great support network of family and friends, however, all are in London. My sister who lives in central London and has asked me to pack my things and travel up to stay with her for my safety until the lockdown is over, after which time I can then look at a longer term plan.

I’m of course aware of the very strict rules in place at the moment with regards to non essential travel. From what I’ve read, it’s acceptable to leave home if travelling to a refuge, but it’s not permissible to leave home to stay with family elsewhere. I have both a car or a train station nearby to get me in to central London, but it’s a 2 hour journey and I’m seeing all over the news about the police stopping people to ask for evidence as to why they are travelling and issuing fines/forcing them to return back home if their reason for travelling is not permissible etc.

If I were to leave, it would have to be without my husband knowing (in the night or making a quick getaway whilst he’s out of the house). I’m terrified I might attempt to travel in to London and be stopped or forced to return home again which would have awful implications for me. I suppose I’m just looking for some advice really in terms of what to do or what others would do in my situation. I feel in desperate need of family support, but at the same time the last thing I need is to get in trouble with the law. TIA

OP posts:
pingbloodyping · 29/03/2020 22:49

Leaves there’s no way that this isn’t essential travel.
If you think you can’t escape safely, call the police and they will help you leave

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 29/03/2020 22:50

Sounds obvious but make sure he can’t see you’ve posted here.

You might be able to remove Mumsnet from your cookies and history whilst leaving the rest intact. Deleting the whole history will make him smell a rat if he checks your devices.

How to delete history selectively: www.pcworld.com/article/2148501/how-to-selectively-delete-browser-history.html WARNING it has a stupid auto-play video in the corner so mute your speakers.

Your browser will have a list of cookies somewhere likewise.

Tistheseason17 · 29/03/2020 22:50

Exit safely - take care, OP

Marshmallow91 · 29/03/2020 22:50

Good luck OP. When you are in the moment the adrenaline and fear just surges through your ears-all you will want to do is run with nothing so please make a mental note of where everything important is -

maybe happen to fill out an online form tonight that "needs" you to get your document folder out to the sit in an easy to grab area?

Place a few pairs of pants/socks scrunched at the corner of the drawer you keep them, so you can just reach your hand in and grab them in the morning.

Turn off your phone once you leave, or disable GPS, in case he can track your phone.

You CAN do this. Flowers

Redredwine99 · 29/03/2020 22:51

Go, as soon as possible, leaving an abusive husband is exceptional circumstances

NotStayingIn · 29/03/2020 22:51

I think going is the right thing to do. Good luck OP, be careful.

(I had my own message removed as it contained a link to advice that wasn’t helpful, not because I said anything bad. I think you’re doing the right thing. x)

Mamagin · 29/03/2020 22:51

Echo what everyone else has said.
Once you are safe with your sister, call the police in the place you have left, and let them know that you are safe in case he reports you missing.
You don't need to tell them where you are.

Jux · 29/03/2020 22:52

You have 100% vote in your favour, love. Go.

Try to act as normal until he goes out, but you can still spend the time assessing what you need and how quickly you can get it into the car. Take what you can but stick to essentials including passport. Your sister has everything that isn't personal so you don't need things like kettle etc. Toiletries, change of clothes. You could even manage without those I it came to it.

Good luck

C8H10N4O2 · 29/03/2020 22:52

Good luck, take medication, legal documents, whatever cash is in the house but everything else can be replaced. Take the car, don't bother with trains.

Text your sister when en route, once there you can worry about the rest.

ButterbuttSquash · 29/03/2020 22:55

GO! Now!

Dramallama19 · 29/03/2020 22:55

Good luck op, you can do this!!

Make a mental note in your head of what you're going to pack, so you can grab it as soon as your husband is gone, if you can't find all your documents don't waste time looking for them, as they can be replaced! All that matters is that you get out and on your way.
Do not worry about the police they will not send you back.
This is your life and your future, will be thinking of you 💐

ifoughtforliberty · 29/03/2020 22:56

Drive - there is a reduced train service at the moment. Go quickly and safely - will be thinking of you.

misskick · 29/03/2020 22:56

Good luck, update us when you get there safely.

pingbloodyping · 29/03/2020 22:56

You WILL not be forced to go back, the chances of police stopping you anywhere are highly unlikely. Key workers are still travelling everywhere, people are driving to supermarkets or to deliver food/ medicine etc to vulnerable people - there are cars on the roads. It’s not suspicious that you drive.
No police would every tell you to go home even in the very unlikely event that they try to talk to you about why you are travelling.
Leave now.

mummymayhem18 · 29/03/2020 22:58

You poor girl! Definitely go. You deserve to feel safe and secure and be with people who give you just that. I hope you get away ok tomorrow morning. Can you discreetly make a list either on paper or on your phone of things to take with you. Remember all important paperwork like passport,bank books,birth and marriage certificate. Good luck. Will be checking up on you tomorrow ❤️.

Needmoresleep · 29/03/2020 22:58

Yes go. Central London is a good place to bunker down. It’s quiet, less polluted, and no great problem with food. The hospital system is likely to cope better than elsewhere.

Good luck...

pingbloodyping · 29/03/2020 22:59

And if you can take docs for any reason, photograph what you can.
You can get replacements.

Roostersmum2 · 29/03/2020 22:59

I fled to London years ago to get away from a horribly abusive man, it was the best thing I ever did.

Go and reclaim your life. There is zero chance of you being fined under these circumstances.

Have a safe journey down and be careful he doesn't pick up on your anxiety/apprehension tonight.

Smile, chat, as if it were any other day and then as soon as he's out the house you leave that bastard to wallow on his own

You've got this!

Justchecking2020 · 29/03/2020 22:59

Good luck. May everything go smoothly tomorrow.

angieloumc · 29/03/2020 22:59

Please do go. It is essential travel. Best wishes to you.

strongswans · 29/03/2020 23:00

Please please go, and good luck! You will fly without this abusive man. As others said essentials only, documents etc... everything else can be replaced.

UYScuti · 29/03/2020 23:03

God speed OP!

amymel2016 · 29/03/2020 23:03

Good luck op! Have you got a rough list of stuff in your head? Xx

Jinx2020 · 29/03/2020 23:03

Go - without a shadow of a doubt. It is within the guidelines that you can flee an abusive situation.

Get what you need and get going! Driving may be easiest for you … less stressfull get away?

Best of luck OP...you can do this!

Serin · 29/03/2020 23:04

You have 100% support here OP.
If you do get stopped by the Police they will be on your side.
Be brave and Be safe.