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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave husband during lockdown

619 replies

MWallsb · 29/03/2020 21:53

Currently living with my husband in a remote area far away from any of my family and friends, who are all in London where I’m from originally. Since getting married last year and subsequently moving to my husband’s hometown, he’s become abusive both physically and mentally. Prior to lockdown, things were just about manageable as he’d spend long hours at work and often worked away for extended periods of time. For the last two weeks, he’s been WFH and things have become unbearable. My anxiety is through the roof and I don’t feel able to cope in the home. It has dawned on me that I need to leave the marriage sooner rather than later. I’m lucky enough to have a great support network of family and friends, however, all are in London. My sister who lives in central London and has asked me to pack my things and travel up to stay with her for my safety until the lockdown is over, after which time I can then look at a longer term plan.

I’m of course aware of the very strict rules in place at the moment with regards to non essential travel. From what I’ve read, it’s acceptable to leave home if travelling to a refuge, but it’s not permissible to leave home to stay with family elsewhere. I have both a car or a train station nearby to get me in to central London, but it’s a 2 hour journey and I’m seeing all over the news about the police stopping people to ask for evidence as to why they are travelling and issuing fines/forcing them to return back home if their reason for travelling is not permissible etc.

If I were to leave, it would have to be without my husband knowing (in the night or making a quick getaway whilst he’s out of the house). I’m terrified I might attempt to travel in to London and be stopped or forced to return home again which would have awful implications for me. I suppose I’m just looking for some advice really in terms of what to do or what others would do in my situation. I feel in desperate need of family support, but at the same time the last thing I need is to get in trouble with the law. TIA

OP posts:
lightsoul · 29/03/2020 23:04

Let us know when you are safe. Take care

Ellmau · 29/03/2020 23:04

Good luck.

CarolHasAnotherUTI · 29/03/2020 23:05

Absolutely go. As soon as possible.

Don't look back.

Good luck x

Horehound · 29/03/2020 23:05

Good luck

maddening · 29/03/2020 23:06

I would call The non-emergency number and let them know your reg number and say what is happening, that you are escaping domestic abuse etc.

Isitweekendyet · 29/03/2020 23:06

OP, go.

You're so brave - this will be the hardest but best thing you ever do.

Don't look back - you deserve so much more.

Good luck x

thecatsabsentcojones · 29/03/2020 23:06

Go, go, go! As others have said the likelihood of being stopped is very low, my husband is travelling around our county at the moment (he’s NHS) and hasn’t seen any police stopping people. It’s essential travel, they’d help you on your way.

All the best to you, take the car, traffic is so light you’ll be there in no time.

MuchTooTired · 29/03/2020 23:09

No advice, but I wish you the very best of luck 💐 take care.

workercovid · 29/03/2020 23:09

Coronavirus: Domestic abuse victims 'still allowed to leave home' www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-52081280

Duckduckduck123 · 29/03/2020 23:10

Go you Flowers proud of you

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 29/03/2020 23:11

Go. If you’re stopped by the police then explain it to them. They won’t send you back. Make sure above all else you have your passport, birth certificate, anything like deeds to your house/copy of tenancy agreement etc and any medication you need.

You’ll be safe with your family soon. Until then If you think your partner might check your phone be sure to log out of mumsnet and delete your internet history an hour at a time. If you remove it completely and he realises he might get suspicious and as you said before it’s already unbearable.

mistermagpie · 29/03/2020 23:14

Go. Take your chance and go. Good luck.

Angelw · 29/03/2020 23:15

Your travel should fall under the essential travel classification ( sounds like a life or death situation)
Drive your car, I don’t think any police man would stop you from proceeding under your circumstances. Just go, don’t even bother calling the police in case your abuser gets to know about your plans. Don’t use the train in case he finds you. Please go and keep safe.
I wish you well.

GetyourFaLaLasRight · 29/03/2020 23:16

Good luck op and please be safe.

notsuremate · 29/03/2020 23:17

Go and good luck. Don’t forget a bank card for getting petrol on the way. Everything else can be replaced, even your birth certificate.

Starlight456 · 29/03/2020 23:17

Nothing to add but wanted to wish you the best of luck. Left my abusive ex10 years ago. Best thing I ever did . Don’t expect everything to be perfect at first it will take time to find yourself again. You have family around you who want the best for you. This is a fresh start with people who care about you and love you

MWallsb · 29/03/2020 23:18

Thank you everyone and thank you for the list of essentials. Rather stupidly I’d not thought of half of them, but will try my best to get them together before I go. I will update you all when I can. Trying my best to behave normally (hence not able to post too much on here as can’t be on my phone too often) but I’m very anxious and know I won’t sleep tonight. Husband sometimes checks my phone at night so I’m going to delete any evidence of using this site from my history and will come on here again when I’ve reached my sisters.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 29/03/2020 23:19

Could you make a virtual list in your head? Think what you need, and where it is so that you can get everything as quickly as possible in the morning? I do this sometimes and it really helps.

Wishing you so much luck Flowers

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 29/03/2020 23:19

Without a shadow of a doubt get in your car and go.

There is no lockdown in the world that should stop you from leaving such a situation. Also we are England and its still early in this weird thing and so who is going to stop you? Who is going to ask where you are going? This is essential travel.

middleager · 29/03/2020 23:20

Please go. Let us know you are safe if you can.

And when this passes re-build your life because this has shown us it's too short to live in fear.

WaitroseIsMySpiritualHome · 29/03/2020 23:20

Absolutely Go.

If you are really worried about being in trouble, register a call with Women's Aid - tell them your plan - and write a note and put it in your pocket outlining your destination and reasons. The chances are that anyone stopping/questioning you, will assist you but on the off chance you get a jobsworth policeman/woman, the call to WA and the note in your pocket will act as evidence of your intentions and the urgency.

Go go go and find happy.

DrSheldonCooperPHD · 29/03/2020 23:21

You're amazing

dellacucina · 29/03/2020 23:22

Good luck, OP! Definitely, definitely go!

rainbowlou · 29/03/2020 23:22

So brave..good luck op Flowers

WhatTiggersDoBest · 29/03/2020 23:26

Just wanted to send you a handhold. We're all rooting for you and you've got this. Don't delay leaving if you can't find an item on your list; things can be replaced. You can't.
Flowers

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