In thinking that my ex and his partner are being extremely awkward during COVID 19?

[Newyorkcitybaby]

Generally get on with my ex and his partner. We’ve been split for around 7 years and share DD age 8 together. Both moved on, he and his partner have a son together and me and my partner have a daughter as well. All very amicable, until tonight. We’ve had a huge disagreement.

They normally have DD every weekend during term time (not my choice but ex works away during the week so it’s the only time he gets to see her) and then every other week during the holidays. DD has been at their house for over a week now and was suppose to be coming back home today. I didn’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her (which was crap) but I reluctantly agreed to it as I thought that she’d be home today.

I spoke to his partner last night and she asked me if they could keep her for the foreseeable future, until all this blows over. I voiced my concerns and explained that wouldn’t really work for us as it could mean we might not see DD for months (god knows how long this will go on for). She said that was fine and that she’d leave it up to me and my ex to discuss as it wasn’t really her place to say anything (not sure why she mentioned it in the first place then?). Fast forward to today and I’ve received a text from my ex basically saying the same thing, which leads me to believe it’s his partner using his phone. The tone of the message also comes across quite aggressive/rude which isn’t really like him either. He’s normally a very laid back person as where she tends to be quite abrupt.

They’ve again asked if they can keep DD for the foreseeable future until COVID-19 is over and there argument is based on the fact that I work in a nursing home 2 days a week. I’ve tried to reassure them that we all wear PPE and disinfect the place 24/7, it is absolutely spotless. The residents are also not allowed visitors in at the moment and it has been that way since all this began. I’ve also explained that there is probably more of a chance of them contracting the virus from going to the supermarket/out on a walk as a family but they just won’t accept it. Anyone can catch the virus, just because I work in a home doesn’t necessarily mean I will catch the virus. I absolutely take this seriously (as does the rest of my family - we have been washing hands thoroughly, staying at home unless going to work) but IMO his partner has gone absolutely OTT, she is definitely one of the panic buyers that you see in the shops.

I’ve tried to compromise and have even suggested that they have her for two weeks, we have her for two weeks and so on, in order to minimise the going “back and fourth”. Ex has now replied stating that they will keep her for another two weeks (even though they have had her for a week already) meaning I won’t get to see my daughter for 3 weeks. I asked them how would they feel if they couldn’t see DD for over a month and they haven’t responded. My youngest DD misses her big sister too so it would be nice for them to spend some time together. I’m not normally one to argue and I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to just let them have their way as it makes for an easier life, plus I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but AIBU in thinking that their being bloody awkward and just want it “their” way?

(I know I have every right to go and pick my daughter up but I would rather it not get to that stage). I am trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us but also keeps DD safe.

What do you guys think?

Tellmewhothevillainsare, you cannot honestly be comparing a 23yr old woman with an 8 year old child?

That’s just ridiculous and you’re completely undermining your point.
The op and ex are changing their arrangement to minimise travel between houses and you’re not taking the emotional and mental wellbeing of the child into consideration.

I would not begrudge them for that - they have to do what is right for them and their family just as we have

But you did begrudge him trying to keep your/his DD safe away from people still working (you and your partner)

I would have felt the same way as you thinking I could be separated from my child for months but I think she would have been safer with her dad

Just ignore @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre OP. There’s talking nonsense. A 23 year old independent adult is not the same as an 8 year old dependent child who normally lives in 2 houses. The politicians have been clear on the rules surrounding this. It is ok to transfer between the 2 houses. Although you’d best be wary about letting her go back. There’s going to be a more tough lockdown coming mid April (in my opinion) so you don’t want to get caught out again. He’s already refused to let her come home once. What if a tougher lockdown happens when she’s with them? You might want to think about quitting your job to make sure they’ve got no ammunition.

Yes I did begrudge him because I wanted to see my child @sparepantsandtoothbrush. If he has anxiety about DD coming back and would rather wait longer then I wouldn't begrudge him for that. What is so wrong with that? We are two different people with different personalities and preferences. I have to say, I'm no angel or perfect parent but some people on this thread are trying to pick at every little thing in order to prove their point.

you’re not taking the emotional and mental wellbeing of the child into consideration

This absolutely. If the government's only aim was to stop the spread of the virus then we would all be in total lockdown with only NHS staff and a few others working. The reality is that if they did this there would be plenty of other problems which would eventually lead to deaths. For example mental health problems leading to suicide, undiagnosed and untreated conditions, collapse of the economy leading to more crime and poverty, charities having to fold, increase in domestic violence, issues during pregnancy and childbirth etc etc. The government is always weighing up the risk of one thing against the risk of another.

In this case the risk to the child's emotional well-being Is considered greater than the risk of them carrying the virus. If the dad and partner are isolated as they should be then they won't be encountering others anyway so if the worse came to the worse and DD got it and passed it to them it should end there unless they are breaking the lockdown rules.

@Tellmewhothevillainsare, someone has kindly quoted upthread the relevant guidance including the fact that it relates to children under 18. So what conceivable relevance would your 23 year old daughter have?

She is taking the emotional and mental well-being of her child into concern? The threads I’ve seen where people are being encouraged to stop contact have all been where dads are ignoring all guidelines about social distancing and carrying on their normal life, holidaying overseas etc. Not where dads are doctors working two days a week and home with their child other days. It’s an entirely different kettle of fish. How many healthcare workers would we have if there were general support for removing their children? I’m sure op takes many precautions returning home.

The politicians have been clear on the rules surrounding this

I don't know why people keep saying this, they have not been clear at all. In fact they have publically fumbled over whether it is acceptable or not (indicating it was a subject of debate), used many contradictory terms along with any statement saying it is acceptable such as "but you should do this as little as possible", "you need to be aware of the risk" and "parents should use their discretion". Any media attention around the subject has been focused on needing more clarity, and confusion. They don't seem to be able to provide clear guidance - in my opinion probably because it IS a bad idea but they don't know how to go about banning it because there are SOME circumstances where there is no childcare alternative or the children are vulnerable, so a blanket rule would be a minefield.

People are massively (and worryingly) cherry picking what they pay attention to by saying "the rules are clear so it must be absolutely fine and present no risk." They have repeatedly reiterated that it will pose added risk, and urged us to use our common sense to assess whether it would. The only thing that IS clear is that in every circumstance, this kind of swapping is not allowed and considered dangerous, which is the part of it that half of us have focused on, while the rest seem to have disengaged their brains after "children moving can be allowed."

If he has anxiety about DD coming back and would rather wait longer then I wouldn't begrudge him for that. What is so wrong with that?

OP your missing a very important point. You may not be worried because if your DD gets CV she will likely get it from you or your partner.

Your ex on the other hand may be able to completely self isolate and therefore have no risk of CV in the household apart from you and your DP passing it onto your DD whom passes it onto his family.

Ultimately your expecting him to increase the risk to his family so he can continue to see his child, while your willingly refusing to decrease the risk to your child.

If we are at a increased risk every time we go into a supermarket I'd hate the consider the risk of someone working in one.

And regarding the whole idea on this threat that no RP would willingly no see their children.. there a plenty of key workers I personally know who are staying and living elsewhere during the pandemic as they refuse to put their partners and children at risk. This means they only see their child through the window or video calling and its heart breaking for both the children and adults, but they do it willingly. So yes some RP have made the decision to put their child in the less risky scenario.

I can relate to how hard it must be for the OP's ex right now, as he wants to see his daughter desperately but wants to protect his household and his DD from the very increased risk from his DD moving between homes.

My husband's daughter is 23

How ridiculous to compare a grown woman to a young child.

OP I'm so pleased she's back with you. Of course she should remain in contact with both sides of her family wherever possible but my 14 year old hasn't seen his Dad since almost 3 weeks ago and isn't likely to visit any time soon (Dad is a front line NHS worker and we agreed a while ago that movement between our families adds additional risk that isn't acceptable). They FaceTime one another, they text and even play online together. There are ways for separated parents to co-operate other than one side being unreasonable and I don't think your Ex was the one pulling the strings here at all.

How do you know your daughter hasn't had it already. Unless your child has underlying medical condition, the news has stated time and time again that children are not affected much by this virus. You work 2 days a week out of 7. I bet most people still go to a shop 1-2 times a week. Your child is not at greater risk if that generally a healthy child. Hasn't anyone watched the hundred of CV-19 fact programmes. Thus is now going to be at least 6 weeks of lockdown as it will definitely now continue for another 3 weeks. If Wuhan is anything to go by it will be extended at least 1 more time. This is far too long to remove a child from her main carer under the misunderstanding that they are protecting the child. What a load of BS. You have an agreement, stick to it. You have the agreement with your ex, so only discuss things with him about your daughter. You know the protocol for returning home as a key worker, as does all other NHS staff who have children. When you arrive home you wash your hands before touching anything. Clean the taps. Put all your clothes in the washing machine and go and have a shower. Only after this ritual to greet your family. Most people will know this is what's recommended to keep your family as protected as possible. It's not a great deal, it's a ritual. Stick to your agreement or you may lose your rights.

I don't understand why everyone is saying this woman is selfish. Her daughter is extremely, as in really outlying extremely, unlikely to have any consequences from catching the virus. More importantly, her daughter wanted to come home. You cna't have a 7 year old not see their mother for six weeks, that's unacceptably cruel, and unnecessary.

An 8 year old child needs her mother above all. OP, you should not let them do this. Further down the line you may find that they want to be the resident parents and claim that is the status quo.

Go and get your daughter, I agree with @makingmammaries, you don't want to want find that suddenly you're not the main carer anymore.