In thinking that my ex and his partner are being extremely awkward during COVID 19?

[Newyorkcitybaby]

Generally get on with my ex and his partner. We’ve been split for around 7 years and share DD age 8 together. Both moved on, he and his partner have a son together and me and my partner have a daughter as well. All very amicable, until tonight. We’ve had a huge disagreement.

They normally have DD every weekend during term time (not my choice but ex works away during the week so it’s the only time he gets to see her) and then every other week during the holidays. DD has been at their house for over a week now and was suppose to be coming back home today. I didn’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her (which was crap) but I reluctantly agreed to it as I thought that she’d be home today.

I spoke to his partner last night and she asked me if they could keep her for the foreseeable future, until all this blows over. I voiced my concerns and explained that wouldn’t really work for us as it could mean we might not see DD for months (god knows how long this will go on for). She said that was fine and that she’d leave it up to me and my ex to discuss as it wasn’t really her place to say anything (not sure why she mentioned it in the first place then?). Fast forward to today and I’ve received a text from my ex basically saying the same thing, which leads me to believe it’s his partner using his phone. The tone of the message also comes across quite aggressive/rude which isn’t really like him either. He’s normally a very laid back person as where she tends to be quite abrupt.

They’ve again asked if they can keep DD for the foreseeable future until COVID-19 is over and there argument is based on the fact that I work in a nursing home 2 days a week. I’ve tried to reassure them that we all wear PPE and disinfect the place 24/7, it is absolutely spotless. The residents are also not allowed visitors in at the moment and it has been that way since all this began. I’ve also explained that there is probably more of a chance of them contracting the virus from going to the supermarket/out on a walk as a family but they just won’t accept it. Anyone can catch the virus, just because I work in a home doesn’t necessarily mean I will catch the virus. I absolutely take this seriously (as does the rest of my family - we have been washing hands thoroughly, staying at home unless going to work) but IMO his partner has gone absolutely OTT, she is definitely one of the panic buyers that you see in the shops.

I’ve tried to compromise and have even suggested that they have her for two weeks, we have her for two weeks and so on, in order to minimise the going “back and fourth”. Ex has now replied stating that they will keep her for another two weeks (even though they have had her for a week already) meaning I won’t get to see my daughter for 3 weeks. I asked them how would they feel if they couldn’t see DD for over a month and they haven’t responded. My youngest DD misses her big sister too so it would be nice for them to spend some time together. I’m not normally one to argue and I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to just let them have their way as it makes for an easier life, plus I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but AIBU in thinking that their being bloody awkward and just want it “their” way?

(I know I have every right to go and pick my daughter up but I would rather it not get to that stage). I am trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us but also keeps DD safe.

What do you guys think?

I have no idea why that might be @marchez as I can't speak for other users. They've asked if they can keep her until all this is over. That could be 6 months away, we have no idea how long this will go on for. I can't go that long without seeing my daughter, and as long as we're all careful I'm not sure why I should have to.

It’s obviously not kidnapping 🙄

The guidance from the government is that children can move between parents’ homes as long as the parents are sensible and take into account anyone who might be at increased risk (so if there was a vulnerable person in one of the homes it would make sense then for the child not to travel and use FaceTime).

Has anyone asked your poor daughter what she would like to do?! Has anyone considered that she might have an opinion on being At her dads for months on end, or her mum saying ‘ sure just keep her for a another week’? She’s not a commodity. Remember that life has turned upside down for her with schools closing, not seeing friends etc. She may well be worried about you working as a key worker , and quite rightly, in the current climate.Of course considerations around PPE and covid-19 are crucial but she is a little human with opinions and anxieties that, from what I’ve seen, have been completely disregarded because of the tit for tat nonsense and financial issues around parental separation . FFS pick up your daughter and deal with the adult conversations separately. Familiarity and routine WITH measures against covid -19 transmission need to happen for her mental well being

Go and get her. Unless you stick to the agreement you have no idea when you will see her and they will come after your child benefit etc too. They have absolutely no right to do this and it will be very upsetting for your daughter to have no idea when she’ll see you. If it wasn’t safe for children to live with key workers (including HCP working with covid patients) then other arrangements would have been recommended by the government. Stick to your guns op.

I think you should repeat the message saying you’re picking her up. He can have her weekends as normal, the legislation is very clear that split custody is acceptable at this time. She’s used to being with you in the week so she needs to be with you, not him. Also, bloody well apply for cms, it is your daughter’s right!

You have been more than reasonable in trying to reach a compromise.
If they still feel that she should stay with one parent until this all blows over, surely it should be you as you are the primary caregiver.

I think I would phone him.

Your DD might feel safer staying with him for some reason you don't yet know.

Of course it is important to me what my daughter wants @seriouslyenoughalready. As long as she is safe and happy that's all that matters to me. As I said above I am happy to go longer periods of time without seeing her but months on end is far too much.

I believe that my daughter is slightly afraid of ex's partner and she doesn't like to say no to her, in fear of upsetting her. For example on Halloween last year she dressed up and I said I would paint her face to match her costume, she said no as she doesn't like make up - fine, it was no problem. Except a week later, she'd gone to her dads and they'd gone to a Halloween party. Ex's partner posted pics on Facebook of DD with a face full of make up. When she returned home I mentioned it to DD and asked her about it and she told me that she'd said no to ex's partner putting make up on but that she did it anyway. I believe that my ex's partner will manipulate DD into doing what she wants and telling me that she wants to stay there.

I think you've been too nice for too long OP judging by your follow up posts.

I understand their concerns but unless your daughter or someone else in their household has an underlying health condition they ABU.

Send your ex one more message - not asking him but politely telling him - that you will be sticking to the original agreement and then go get your daughter as planned.

Given that you are both let workers and work, what are your children doing in the day?

If (and I assume from what you've put) that her dad/his partner are staying at home/in lower risk jobs, and they could have her at home with them, then I think absolutely she should stay.

If this was reversed, and you'd asked whether your child should stay with her father +partner who are both having lots of contact with people, then I'm pretty sure you'd be told to keep her home.

The safest place to be is her dad's from what you say. Certainly I think she should be staying for the next couple.of weeks - and then see what happens with the situation. I appreciate it must be very hard, but her safety should be your priority.

And of course you are both at more risk because of your jobs. Even if the residents don't get virjtos, your colleagues have families and partners, and possibly children still on childcare. So does your partner + thousands of members of the public. Washing hands and ppe doesn't eliminate the risk, it just reduces it from very high to high.

Collect her.

Don't text, in case it's ex's partner who picks it up, phone.

I don't understand why people keep saying "Just go and get her". Your ex has no obligation to let you into the house, so it really isn't as easy as that. If they're really obstinate, you could only succeed via a court order.

We have been working opposite shifts to each other so there is always someone home with the kids @Babyboomtastic. I'm part time anyway and only work 2 days a week.

Whilst I understand your point of view, I also totally understand their's and it is safer for your daughter to stay in one home where no one is mixing in a high risk environment.

Is she old enough to have an opinion? do you regularly facetime with her?

I'm personally not too concerned about youngsters being exposed but I'm not relevant as I don't have young children/teens.

Overall she's safer there

DD is 8 @Khione. We did face time earlier but as her dad forgot to charge his phone beforehand, we only managed to speak for around 3 minutes before the phone cut off

Ok, but I'm assuming by your lack of response to people asking, that her dad/partner either aren't working, working from home or are on lower risk jobs? It's a lot safer for her to stay surely?

Sorry - I missed that part @Babyboomtastic. I did explain earlier that they were both off at the moment due to their jobs not being essential work. As me and my partner are classed as key workers we still have to work.

I really can't get my head around some of the answers here.

On all the single parent threads, when we thought Boris rule of "No contact with family who you don't live with" meant exactly that, and that contact would be ceased, everyone said it was fine for the kids to stay with one parent for the whole lockdown.

OP if I were in your situation and I was working in a care home and my parter a supermarket, while DDs father and stepmother had been laid off and could lock down properly, I would 100% be asking them to keep DDs for the lockdown period.

Surely it's about lowering the risk to your child and keeping them as safe as possible?

Why would I bring my own child home when I had an "at risk" home and her father had a relatively "risk free" home?

It doesn't make sense. YABU. Children have two parents.

So if this goes on for, say 6 months @Falacy does that mean I just shouldn't see my daughter the entire time?

Ok. Seriously, they are at home, you guys are at work and much higher risk. I'm 100% behind her dad on this - she should be staying for now.

Whilst I understand that you want her back, I also think you're not being fair here. It's bonkers for a child to be staying with 2 adults who are both key workers and at higher risk, compared with 2 people who are on a safer bubble (going for a quiet walk does not compare with your partner spending hours a day in a supermarket etc).

I have to say I completely disagree with you that she is not more at risk of catching it when she is with you, given that both you and your partner are out working and also shop, so your level of risk is at least three times higher as it involves exposure to two more settings. What they are suggesting is clearly the safest solution for your daughter, and also by extension their other children, as if they continued contact with your daughter and she was still living in your home as well, they would also be exposed to anything you or your partner catch.

The trouble is how they've gone about it. They are not wrong to say everybody would be safer if she stayed with them until it blows over. But they haven't consulted you or made and agreement with you which isn't right, and your daughters feelings should be considered too, if you are willing to expose her to the risk of living with you and that is what she would prefer. She really ought to be living with just one parent at this time, given the nature of your and your partners work especially.

So if this goes on for, say 6 months @Falacy does that mean I just shouldn't see my daughter the entire time?

No. You take it a week at a time as everyone else is doing.

Nobody knows if this will last 2 months or 6 months or 18 months. You & partner might come down with it tomorrow and be over it quickly, in which case the risk would be much reduced because you at least wouldn't have the long period without symptoms.

I'm only saying what I would do as a mother.

I've had the kids for 3 weeks now as I already work from home. We usually split care 3days/ 4days. Crushed DDs father (and me! I'm exhausted and haven't had a break and work has not slowed down) but because he was still working and I wasn't, it made sense to limit their exposure through him. He was furloughed on Friday so giving it 7 days in case he has any symptoms show and then they'll go to him for 3 weeks.

Of course it's difficult but it's the safest way.

I'd go and get her. X

He's up to something probably wants to use her to claim extra money, as has no job. Go and get her. X