In thinking that my ex and his partner are being extremely awkward during COVID 19?

[Newyorkcitybaby]

Generally get on with my ex and his partner. We’ve been split for around 7 years and share DD age 8 together. Both moved on, he and his partner have a son together and me and my partner have a daughter as well. All very amicable, until tonight. We’ve had a huge disagreement.

They normally have DD every weekend during term time (not my choice but ex works away during the week so it’s the only time he gets to see her) and then every other week during the holidays. DD has been at their house for over a week now and was suppose to be coming back home today. I didn’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her (which was crap) but I reluctantly agreed to it as I thought that she’d be home today.

I spoke to his partner last night and she asked me if they could keep her for the foreseeable future, until all this blows over. I voiced my concerns and explained that wouldn’t really work for us as it could mean we might not see DD for months (god knows how long this will go on for). She said that was fine and that she’d leave it up to me and my ex to discuss as it wasn’t really her place to say anything (not sure why she mentioned it in the first place then?). Fast forward to today and I’ve received a text from my ex basically saying the same thing, which leads me to believe it’s his partner using his phone. The tone of the message also comes across quite aggressive/rude which isn’t really like him either. He’s normally a very laid back person as where she tends to be quite abrupt.

They’ve again asked if they can keep DD for the foreseeable future until COVID-19 is over and there argument is based on the fact that I work in a nursing home 2 days a week. I’ve tried to reassure them that we all wear PPE and disinfect the place 24/7, it is absolutely spotless. The residents are also not allowed visitors in at the moment and it has been that way since all this began. I’ve also explained that there is probably more of a chance of them contracting the virus from going to the supermarket/out on a walk as a family but they just won’t accept it. Anyone can catch the virus, just because I work in a home doesn’t necessarily mean I will catch the virus. I absolutely take this seriously (as does the rest of my family - we have been washing hands thoroughly, staying at home unless going to work) but IMO his partner has gone absolutely OTT, she is definitely one of the panic buyers that you see in the shops.

I’ve tried to compromise and have even suggested that they have her for two weeks, we have her for two weeks and so on, in order to minimise the going “back and fourth”. Ex has now replied stating that they will keep her for another two weeks (even though they have had her for a week already) meaning I won’t get to see my daughter for 3 weeks. I asked them how would they feel if they couldn’t see DD for over a month and they haven’t responded. My youngest DD misses her big sister too so it would be nice for them to spend some time together. I’m not normally one to argue and I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to just let them have their way as it makes for an easier life, plus I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but AIBU in thinking that their being bloody awkward and just want it “their” way?

(I know I have every right to go and pick my daughter up but I would rather it not get to that stage). I am trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us but also keeps DD safe.

What do you guys think?

I think it's really hard for you OP, but I have to agree with the people who've said she's safer there. And I agree about the taking it week to week point.

You're in the situation that many fathers are.....much less sympathy for them on MN.

Good luck in these extraordinary times.

Having read your posts again I think you should let her stay this week and re-evaluate next week. She is safer there. You are being selfish (as lots of mums are here) in wanting her home with you.

I would stick to original agreement.

What a lovely comment @Friendsofmin. Thanks

You are not being selfish at all op!
Urg there are some horrible people on here.
I couldn't go a month without seeing my dd either.
Make sure you put your foot down or I'm worried they will start to take advantage

Just wanted to thank you all for your replies and sharing your thoughts. It has definitely given me a lot to think about. My main priority will always be making sure DD is safe and happy and I want to come up with a solution that will do just that but that will also mean I don't have to go months without seeing her, I miss her so much. No response from ex yet but it's late so I will just leave it for now and see what happens in the morning. Again, happy for her to stay there another week but ideally don't want to go months on end without seeing her (which I'm sure most parents would understand). Anyway, thank you again. Much appreciated.

Thing is, you are happy for her to stay another week but your ex isn’t. He wants her there indefinitely. You will be in the same position this time next week. The only difference is you will have had this turning round in your head all week.
Personally, I would message in the morning and say you have had a rethink. You will be collecting your daughter as normal and if they attempt to prevent it you will take legal advice. That should be enough.
They crossed the line by the partner getting involved in the discussion originally.
I hope it works out.

Phuck that!!! No way would I let that happen, I would see it as a slippery slope to future problems. Walking over you now means it will be easier next time. There is talk the children won't go back until after the summer holidays Remember anything written is evidence which can be used against you should their be a custody battle.. You do not want to risk the courts seeing it as abandonment even under these unprecedented circumstances.

Do you work 2 consecutive days? If not who looks after your other daughter when you work? My ex and I have stuck to the same plan throughout this as it is allowed for a shared custody child to travel to each parent as to not deny contact and risk emotional problems this may cause.

Do not make any such agreement or confirm this is okay in writing in any way. Remember talking on the phone can be recorded without your knowledge and also used as evidence. It is classed as essential travel sI would state this and tell them you are sticking to the agreement you have. What do they think all the NHS workers who have children do. What a ridiculous excuse. As widely reported children are not affected much by this virus so he can't use this as an excuse. In some things you really have to stand your ground. Your children is an important one. Not seeing your children for week or even months is not something I personally could handle or accept.

I'm sure you will be taking all the precautions you can as will all other health workers. You have the benefit of having adequate PPE. Adding to that changing your clothes and having a shower before you touch anything or anyone in the household gives you added protection.

It is not reasonable for a child to stop seeing their main carer indefinitely ‘just in case’ the main career gets coronavirus from their two day per week job.
It seems like this is a blatant attempt on behalf of the father to claim residence and therefore benefits because they’re out of work at the moment and need the money. If you go to court after this has become the norm you risk losing residence of your DD.
I think you need legal advice regardless of this situation ASAP. It is bizarre that you are doing all the work of caring for your child Monday to Friday yet are only permitted EOW leisure time with her during the holidays. If the father wants to see her more he should consider a job closer to home so he can have midweek contact. If your ex paid maintenance for your daughter would it equal what he spends on dance etc? He may well be earning more than you think. If you had that money in your account would you make the same decision about how it was spent? I feel like you’ve been coerced into things that are not in the best interests of your child because it is what the father wants.

I have no thoughts either way but amused as to how comments are very different to another thread supporting a mum who didn’t want to send her kids to dads house because they perceived, with no real substantive reason, the kids may be at higher risk. There, all the posters were adamant that the kids should stay home with mum, FaceTime dad only and it did not matter that he may not see the kids for many months if that’s how long it takes to blow over. Was also shouted many times on that thread that court services would not deal with it now nor would there be any repercussions down track as it would surely be seen as completely reasonable, so ignore any of dads legal threats. Seems there are very different Mumsnet opinions for mums and dads!

My thoughts exactly @Hopping except it isn't just one thread. The board is full of mothers who won't send their children to the other parent with a shit ton of support and encouragement from posters not to.

This is no different except the perceived risk is with the mother this time but the tune is completely different.
Seems it's ok to use this situation to the advantage of the mother (and most of the time it is just using it as an excuse) and the thread will be full of support. Other way around and heads explode!

Those threads had lots of stepmothers on saying the dc shouldn't be seeing nrp.
It wasn't just rp mother's.

Also yes there is a difference between a child not seeing the resident parent and nrp. Are we to pretend there isn't?

Also yes there is a difference between a child not seeing the resident parent and nrp. Are we to pretend there isn't?
🤣
So we aren't even going to pretend it's about the 'risk' anymore?

OP you are right to be concerned, I would get legal advice.

Hope all is well soon.

For those of you that think this is all a ploy to get custody and is actually about money etc, I remind you that (a) the op and her ex get on, and it's described as very amicable and (b) they've been separated for a very long time.

Given this, I think it's unlikely that this is with any ulterior motive, especially when the glaring motive of worrying about her safety exists right now.

I think lots of posters are bringing thirty Pam battles with exes etc, into this, rathet than looking at the dynamics of this family.

I have also seen dozens of threads on here where MN defends a woman's decision to stop contact because of the perceived risk the father might pose.

Given the daughter is in school, the arrangement they have is more balanced than it seems ( mum = 5 evenings and mornings, dad = 2 full days). It's not greatly fair on mum, getting little leisure time with her (but that's another issue) but in terms of waking hours spent together, it is approx 50-50 already.

It’s safer for her to be there so I would suck it up and take it week by week. No you don’t want to go ages without seeing her but it is obviously safer for her there, and safer for their whole family than risking her back and forth when you guys are working in supermarkets and nursing homes!

You need to think of what’s best for everyone and you actually are being selfish rather than looking objectively at the safest option. It’s totally understandable and I’m not being mean, but they are right.

I don't feel it's healthy for any child to be away from her resident parent for an unknown period of time. They need reassurance that everything will be ok and throwing her life upside down doesn't do that.

I expect she would be terrified if she didn't know when she would see you again. If they are concerned, As the resident parent she should return to you and their contact paused.

If they aren’t working then there is less risk in that house.

Yes they go out to supermarkets but it’s easier to social distance and it’s for short periods of time. You work, your partner works, and you shop......so there is 3x (roughly) the risk of your house being affected.

If things have always ding amicable before then you need to look at this as coming with good intentions and consequences it. But you also need to weigh up the benefits of less risk against mental wellbeing for her and your other Dd.

He can gave her in the days you work?

Really I don't see why they suddenly have an issue unless they have found out how much more benefits you get for two resident children

Have you spoken to your daughter? She must be confused and hurt

@Gaw19

*You are not being selfish at all op!

I couldn't go a month without seeing my dd either.*

Or to paraphrase
You're not being selfish.
Go ahead and make it totally about you.

For those saying it is about him getting benefits.
How much are these benefits that having the child living with him all day everyday with all associated costs make it worthwhile? On other threads people are complaining they are struggling because of having the children at home.

Nah I wouldn't stand for that. Go pick her up.

I feel sick with anxiety for you just reading this! Boris Johnson said co-parenting agreements are best left as they are as routine is important for children! I would let them know that unless they return DC to you today that you will be calling the police. As soon as DC is back in your care I would suggest a court order so this legally cannot happen again.
I would be absolutely beside myself at the thought of not seeing my child for such a long time!

I would say they are doing this so that they can claim the benefits for your daughter
If they already have one and now lost there jobs then an extra child will bump the money up considerably.
The longer she stays there the harder it becomes to get her back

I’m sorry but I agree that there is a higher risk in your household than theirs. They go shopping and for walks, I assume you do the same but add both of you going to work onto that.

I would be devestated at not seeing my kids for so long so I’m torn on this one, I can see both sides.

For those saying threaten the police, there is no court order in place so technically the ex has as much rights concerning the child as the mother does.

I think they are being unreasonable here .The latest advice is that it is fine for DC to go between two homes .I would try to speak to your ex and say to him that she needs to come home .They are not being fair at all .There are many parents still together, where one partner is an essential worker and one isnt ,should they all move into separate homes? If they are still not playing ball tell them you are coming over and if she isnt given back you will call the police!