In thinking that my ex and his partner are being extremely awkward during COVID 19?

[Newyorkcitybaby]

Generally get on with my ex and his partner. We’ve been split for around 7 years and share DD age 8 together. Both moved on, he and his partner have a son together and me and my partner have a daughter as well. All very amicable, until tonight. We’ve had a huge disagreement.

They normally have DD every weekend during term time (not my choice but ex works away during the week so it’s the only time he gets to see her) and then every other week during the holidays. DD has been at their house for over a week now and was suppose to be coming back home today. I didn’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her (which was crap) but I reluctantly agreed to it as I thought that she’d be home today.

I spoke to his partner last night and she asked me if they could keep her for the foreseeable future, until all this blows over. I voiced my concerns and explained that wouldn’t really work for us as it could mean we might not see DD for months (god knows how long this will go on for). She said that was fine and that she’d leave it up to me and my ex to discuss as it wasn’t really her place to say anything (not sure why she mentioned it in the first place then?). Fast forward to today and I’ve received a text from my ex basically saying the same thing, which leads me to believe it’s his partner using his phone. The tone of the message also comes across quite aggressive/rude which isn’t really like him either. He’s normally a very laid back person as where she tends to be quite abrupt.

They’ve again asked if they can keep DD for the foreseeable future until COVID-19 is over and there argument is based on the fact that I work in a nursing home 2 days a week. I’ve tried to reassure them that we all wear PPE and disinfect the place 24/7, it is absolutely spotless. The residents are also not allowed visitors in at the moment and it has been that way since all this began. I’ve also explained that there is probably more of a chance of them contracting the virus from going to the supermarket/out on a walk as a family but they just won’t accept it. Anyone can catch the virus, just because I work in a home doesn’t necessarily mean I will catch the virus. I absolutely take this seriously (as does the rest of my family - we have been washing hands thoroughly, staying at home unless going to work) but IMO his partner has gone absolutely OTT, she is definitely one of the panic buyers that you see in the shops.

I’ve tried to compromise and have even suggested that they have her for two weeks, we have her for two weeks and so on, in order to minimise the going “back and fourth”. Ex has now replied stating that they will keep her for another two weeks (even though they have had her for a week already) meaning I won’t get to see my daughter for 3 weeks. I asked them how would they feel if they couldn’t see DD for over a month and they haven’t responded. My youngest DD misses her big sister too so it would be nice for them to spend some time together. I’m not normally one to argue and I absolutely hate confrontation. I tend to just let them have their way as it makes for an easier life, plus I want DD to have a good relationship with her dad, but AIBU in thinking that their being bloody awkward and just want it “their” way?

(I know I have every right to go and pick my daughter up but I would rather it not get to that stage). I am trying to come up with a solution that works for both of us but also keeps DD safe.

What do you guys think?

@Newyorkcitybaby brilliant news

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre you are wrong. The guidelines permit children under 18 to move between homes. It's up to the parents to come to a sensible decision about if and how contact should be conducted during this time. The government are trusting people to risk assess their own circumstances. They want contact between homes to be minimal but bringing in a 'no contact' policy across the board for kids of separated parents would be a nightmare to enforce and cause all sorts of emotional distress for millions of people.

As a resident parent it makes sense the child stays with you. If you are a key worker she is probably safer staying in one house than flitting between the two. I think most reasonable parents would see that as a risk and although it would be hard, they would understand the safest option would be to communicate via Skype for a while. In two low risk families it might be different.

In any case a decision between the two parents should have been made before it got to this. I'm pleased you have her home.

Relieved for you op. You haven't breached guidelines at all, some people just CANT UNDERSTAND SIMPLE TERMS.

💐

Don't do it again.

You're wrong anyway.

Well 4 adults are linked by 1 child moving between 2 houses. Adults who are working in the community in face to face roles and in contact with numerous other adults during the day.

I'm glad she's home. But I would be very very very reluctant to let her go between the two houses in future. It's an unfortunate situation for separated parents.

Suspect your Ex's new partner wanted to keep her there to entertain their little one, but Ex new it wasn't the right thing to do. Hence he was ok about it, and she didn't appear.

Glad she's home and you're having a nice day with your DDs.

You haven't breached any rules as children are still allowed to move between parents, though if you pay attention you will see that almost every government official or expert who has weighed in on this has also mentioned that it would be better if they didn't and you need to be aware of the extra risk, which DOES exist. It was also incredibly foolish of them to try and do this without agreeing with you, and without giving your DD a proper chance to say goodbye for a while/get used to the idea beforehand.

But I still think it's very worrying that you genuinely don't think she's more at risk with you. She is, massively so. People are actually saying it would be more risky just going to the supermarket once a week than doing your job, but your partner works at a supermarket! It is highly likely he will get it and pass it along to both of your children and you, and your ex's family if they maintain contact during lockdown. You need to understand that.

"You should also not be meeting members of your family who do not live in your home."

That's pretty clear. I'm sure if a ban was put on parents seeing their children there would be uproar. But at the same time people are being asked to not meet up with people who don't live in their home.

Your daughter should not go between the two houses. If the infection comes into one house she will carry it to the other house.

It's that simple.

Just RTFT and delighted she's home. No guidelines breached.

Honestly. What's the fucking point of guidelines if people don't familiarise themselves with what they actually are.

Just wondering what you're going to do at next access, OP. Are you going to let her go to her dad's? Are you going to insist she goes? Are you going to insist she doesn't go?

What if you insist she goes, and they insist they don't want her coming into the house from yours?

I just wonder who will be seen as being "extremely awkward" next?

I am glad you have got her home OP, but only because that was what she wanted. Honestly I am a key worker and if there was anywhere else for my 2 DC and DH to go, or if I could stay somewhere else I would, but there isn't, we can't stay with my IL's as FIL is working from home and needs to make loads of phone calls and my DC do not have volume control and their house echoes, I cant go there as it is too far to get to work and none of us can go stay with my DP as they are over 70. I am terrified of giving them COVID-19, I would much rather not see them for 6 months than run the risk of never seeing them again.

She is suppose to be going back to her dads in two weeks time @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre which of course I will adhere to. I would never stop her from seeing her dad and given the topic of this thread, I think it would make me an absolute hypocrite if I tried to.

I appreciate your response @Snaketime but from what I can see, it comes down to individual circumstances as I've seen a few comments on here from NHS workers who have said children (unless they have health problems) won't be affected much by the virus. Happy to be told I'm wrong, it's just what I've seen/been told.

Children are vectors not victims. So your child is unlikely to get sick. But is extremely likely to carry the virus and pass it on to adults, who will then pass it on to other adults etc. Your child has access to 4 adults. How many people do those 4 adults then have access to in an average week?

Who minds your child while you are working?

I think they are worried you will give them the virus when she goes back to them next time .. I would imagine new gf has some sort of health anxiety and it's gone into overdrive ..

Children generally don't get it badly, but that's not a guarantee and more and more deaths are being reported amongst younger groups every day. And that's just the direct risk to your daughter.

I can't find the figure for this year but a few years ago there were 3.9 million children in the UK with separated parents. If each one of those households decide to carry on as usual swapping between houses, that's 3.9 million people not observing the social distancing measures deemed necessary to save lives. Why do you think they have stressed that though it may be necessary in some cases, it should be avoided as much as possible if it is not, and parents should be using their common sense and discretion? And, incidentally, why parents have been told to step in and use their PR to make a decision without the other parents agreement if they don't believe the other parent is being sensible and putting safety first

If they are worried or have anxiety about DD returning to them in 2 weeks and possibly passing on the virus to them, then they have every right to say no and I will keep her for the time being. I would not begrudge them for that - they have to do what is right for them and their family just as we have. I can't imagine being away from DD for so long and that's why I wanted her back, plus the fact that she wanted to come back herself. Her dad might feel differently and be happy to go longer periods of time without her. The choice is entirely theirs.

Me and my partner work opposite shifts so someone is always home with the kids @TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Children do occasionally get it badly, and only a couple of days ago a baby in America died. Being young decreases your risk of death, but doesn't eliminate it.

Staying with you, it's almost inevitable that your family (including your daughter) will get it. Hopefully not too badly, but it's undeniable that she's massively more at risk at yours than her dad's.

And no, is not against guidelines for her to be with you, but when there is a low risk parent willing to provide care, out is IMO morally questionable.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre ......absoulutly creased at 'dont do it again' .......ok boss

I have to say I understand where your ex was coming from and it is selfish to want her back with you. Both you and your partner are at higher risk, particularly your partner.

Yes it could be some time before you would have seen your dd but at least recognise that it was for your own benefit that you brought her home. I have friends you have moved out from their family home to reduce their risk. They have done it for the benefit of their kids and it is heartbreaking for them.

Did you get her OP?

You need to have a discussion with your ex before she goes back about how suddenly moving the goalposts isn't on, and if it's two weeks each everyone needs to stick to that.

I do hope she doesn't get it whilst her dad remains virus free...won't you feel bad then that there was another choice during the lockdown?

Either way, I hope it all works out for the best!

Well done you!!

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

The government have made special allowances for parents of separated families to go between houses. When they say don’t see a member of your family who doesn’t live with you means your brother ect.

You seem like you cannot accept you’re wrong. I’m sure you’ve heard this before.

The government have made special allowances for parents of separated families to go between houses. When they say don’t see a member of your family who doesn’t live with you means your brother ect.

My husband's daughter is 23.. should she travel to see us, or maybe we could call to her?

The government may have made allowances, but those allowances won't stop people contracting the virus just because they've been given a special allowance.

OP should be minimising all movement between two houses. If the virus is brought into one house, the daughter will carry it to the other house. Asking people to not visit houses is asking people to limit spreading it.

Over 200 people died in the last 24 hours. If 200 people died in a motor way collision or a terrorist attack there would be shock and upset all over.

Over 1,200 people are dead already in the UK, and that's nowhere near the tip of the iceberg.

OP, the government might make a special allowance, but you should be doing everything you can to minimise movement between two houses. You might have control over what goes on in your house, but you don't from the other house.