Neighbour told my kid off.

[Shootingstar2918]

I’m not precious and nor do I think my kids are angels! But hear me out. Most of the houses around me have kids living in them. Due to the current situation a lot of them are out playing understandably.

My children were playing outside whilst I cleaned up. All of a sudden DS started screaming that he’d been told off and told me the man who lives behind us told him off. I couldn’t see what DS was doing. There’s a Tallish fence between our gardens so I cannot imagine a lot could be done.

Just to add DS has autism and wants to talk to everyone. I think he was at the back of the fence shouting hello. I’m not really sure. My garden is secure and safe enough to let them out without me being outside. I was in the kitchen with my patio doors open but missed what actually happened. Sometimes DS can be a bit loud but I don’t let him out for hours on end or anything. Far from it.

So a man told him off. If he did wrong then that’s fine but the man told him off with no explanation. When I came out he hurried in his house and slammed the door. Aibu to think he should talk to me. With distance of course!

Like I say DS has autism. My neighbours wouldn’t know this I guess but it’s ended up with DS having an hour long meltdown on the grass outside. They must be able to hear him.

I’m not the type to go matching round and of course we can’t right now anyway but aibu to think the guy should man up and come and speak to us (again distance) and give me an explanation at least! So I know what the hell just happened. DS is that upset he can’t explain to me!

I think if there was a real issue he should have spoken to you rather than scuttle off into his house as soon as you appeared. Someone who does that was probably just being unpleasant and didn't expect you to overhear or arrive on the scene.

You weren't around to tell your DS off for annoying your neighbour so your neighbour had to do it. People are entitled to peace and privacy in their own gardens you know.

Really? I'd just say "Hello, how are you?" back to the child.

No way, then they never leave you alone!

I think what you should take from this is that you need to supervise your kids when they are outside. As it is, you don´t actually know what happened. Did he tell him off? Was it justified? Was he too harsh or fair? You don´t know.

I think if there was a real issue he should have spoken to you rather than scuttle off into his house as soon as you appeared. Someone who does that was probably just being unpleasant and didn't expect you to overhear or arrive on the scene.

He didn't 'scuttle' anywhere. He went back into his own home.

Go out and supervise your child, if he repeatedly shouts over the fence at the neighbours
Why haven’t you had the wit to ask one of your other children what the “telling off” consisted of?

Your ds May have been a bit loud. But unless your ds is doing it constantly, it sounds like the man was being a bit ott. If otoh your ds was climbing and hanging over the fence and potentially breathing on your neighbours land (neighbour could be just there thus rendering isolation pointless), I could understand why he’d tell your ds off.

He doesn't need your permission to tell your kid to stop shouting surely.

Hi @Shootingstar2918

So we have a (14 y.o) with ASD so I can empathise. I'd say if this has upset you this much then it's up to you to speak to your neighbour. He most likely just feels he told a noisy kid off and/or that they then had a tantrum! Most people when told about how an ASD child processes things can understand and future interactions are then more productive for both sides. Until they are told/encounter children with ASD they most likely have no clue how to interact with them (you can see this from some of the suggestions on this thread). I sometimes have no clue how to interact effectively with my own child for that matter! A neighbour that understands and makes some effort will be way more valuable than one that gets irritated by the awful children over the fence :)

And yes, sometimes people don't get it. That sucks. Sometimes, it feels like people with ASD have to make social allowances for thpse of us who are NT.

You don't know what your DS was doing or saying. But you think the neighbour should have spoken to you - when you weren't there and the entire country is in lockdown so the neighbour can't come to your door even if he wanted to

Parents get used to the unbelievable amount of noise and destruction their offspring cause. They stop noticing it.

Those who have been enjoying peace and quiet in the garden when they can’t go out much due to cv may get a bit stressed by the racket if they don’t have dc or if they have grown up years ago and they have forgotten the amount of noise kids cause.

He could have had more understanding and patience. But you could have been there to supervise. You don’t know what happened. I’d supervise dc in future.

This is like the opposite side to those threads about children shrieking all day.

To be totally honest, people don't just tell other people's children off for no reason at all. Therefore it is highly likely that your dc was doing something that warranted a telling-off. Perhaps if the neighbour knew your dc has autism then he may have been more understanding, but everyone is more stressed out than usual at the moment. I'd let it go. And try to explain to your dc (in a way that he can comprehend) that he needs to stop shouting at people who are the other side of the fence.

So tired of parents who send their kids in the garden to let them off steam whilst they enjoy some peace and quiet inside. I had to tell our neighbour kids to keep it down. I did so very gently and smiling, it's it their fault. But they were screaming, one having a massive tantrum, shrieking to the top of her lungs and I couldn't understand why the parent wasn't intervening. Sure enough, when I looked up, not one parent and door to the garden closed. The kids are all under 5.

Unless your garden is in the middle of nowhere, don't treat it like a playground. Supervise your kids and tell them off if they misbehave. I love the sound of kids playing, it's heart warming, but shouting screaming and crying out loud is horrible racket.

I think a child’s definition of being told off is not the same as an adult’s. The guy could have just asked him to stop shouting which if he was is not unreasonable.

I highly doubt the man told him off for no reason.

No way, then they never leave you alone!

I've never had that happen, and I live in a neighbourhood that had a lot of children - now all grown, and new families with young children are moving in.

You admit your DS can be loud. Children's noises can be absolutely ear-splitting at times. Compromise is needed, autism or not.

My neighbours boy climbed onto something in their garden and stuck his head over the fence looking at me 🙄 it's a big fence.... I like my privacy and don't welcome it! Plus they aren't allowed to climb on whatever it is as I hear them get bellowed at a lot for it!

However he's also a little boy so I smiled and said hello 🤷‍♀️ what can you do 😂

Everyone should be able to enjoy their gardens /homes. Including your neighbour.
If you're that fussed go round, stand 2m away from the door when he comes out. Ask what happened.
Personally I'd leave it though.

OP The title of your post sounds like you are put out, maybe he is fed up with your son shouting at hime through the fence, maybe he has just lost someone, maybe a thousand other things. I am afraid your child is not exempt from the world and through out his life he will ( and should) be told off if he is in the wrong

Unfortunate communication.

The man probably thought he was being loud, or banging the fence or something, and said something.

The man doesn't know your DS is autistic
Your DS gets very upset when told off

This would be a complete non-event if your child was NT: it is perfectly reasonable to ask children to behave differently if it is affecting the person, no need to come running to parents all the time. But of course your Ds reacts differently, and may not even be aware of what caused the man to say something.

that you have had to deal with a meltdown and your poor DS is upset.

I wouldn't go storming or huffing round but I might explain that my child is autistic.

We all have off days when things may get to us.
We all carry our own anxieties and hidden illnesses and pain.
Don't worry about a one off.

My other child has additional needs too. Both have troubles explaining what happened. At the time. Our garden is pretty long and Dd was more towards the house and probably didn’t see anyway.