To think this is torturing single people?

[VirtualHugsAllRound]

Even if it's intermittent lockdown and social distancing... Both mean you're not supposed to meet with family and friends.

If you live alone this is torture. Isolation is used as torture/punishment fgs!
We're always being shown that families are more important, that we've failed by not having a partner and reproducing. Now we are expected to live in isolation for months on end.

And at the end of it, no one is going to say "well done for undergoing months of torture to protect others" or support us with healing from the trauma this will cause. As usual, just expected to suck it up.

I cant do this.

Sorry but YABU

I'm in Germany, where we've been 2 weeks under lockdown, which will run until at least 14 April, probably months more

I'm single too - no living family, retired
but I think we're better off than many and should be grateful for it

Even though I do miss meeting up with my friends, I know others are suffering much worse than missing out on their social life

• I stay home safely every day
  instead of having to take the daily risks to commute and work to save lives or keep the country going
  I am very grateful to all the essential workers doing their jobs 💐

• I only have to look after myself, noone else
  and have total freedom to do what I want, when I went, so long as I stay home
  I can amuse myself easily for months, with indoor exercise, music, KIndle etc

(I would like to volunteer to help, but a visually & hearing disabled 63-yr-old, even a strong gym rat like me, had best stay home out of everyone's way)

• My pensions are fixed / incremented, unlike the income of those who have lost their jobs or small businesses, with maybe even their homes at risk

TheWordmeister

"Being single doesn't make this any worse than it does for people in any other marital state

I think it does. Doesn't sharing this horrible time with a loved partner ease it? Of course it does.

Some singletons might be just fine, but most of them would be happier in a good relationship."

This is the whole point for me. No it doesn't.

Sharing this horrible time is horrible even with a loved partner. Being locked down with anyone is going to make you despise them. Even if you basically love them. I can't think of anything worse than being locked down with my boyfriend.

And that's for the minority of relationships which are actually happy and supportive. Many aren't.

Being locked down with an abusive partner really would be torture.

Again, not to minimise what the OP is going through and its not about competitive misery. Just a recognition that being single makes you bloody lucky compared to a lot of people.

@JustInCaseCakeHappens It is not so easy to make friends. I get a lot if dislike in the England for being Irish.

I am thinking about moving to Scotland - all i want is to be a round a few friendly people

@Amymayapple

Would a virtual hug from a complete stranger help?

I have my family, but was recently discussing with my husband that outside my house my social circle pretty much consists of people under the are of 11 (I am a Rainbow and Brownie leader and coach athletics). I do get hugs from my Rainbows, sometimes, though. I mostly earn money by sewing (which is very solitary) or operating Photofinish for athletics (which keeps me busy in the summer - normally!) My plan was to start some more "grown up" activities (maybe a theatre group, or a reading group) but now isn't really the moment...

of in England

Thank you @Oakmaiden It does mean something. Thank you.

I send it back

It's not torturing single people or married people or old people or people living in extended families. But it IS harder for some people than for others because of a combination of their temperament and their personal situation.

So, as an introvert, I'm finding it hard because I just don't get to get away at all - I suspect if I lived alone I'd do just fine. But I'm not finding it as hard as my BF who has serious MH and anxiety issues and whose major form of self medication is exercise and her job. My sister, a HUGE extrovert, would go stir crazy if she was at home alone and like you, would consider it torture.

A marriage that is on the rocks is going to find both individuals finding it harder than if the marriage is solid. A family with children with SEN are probably going to find it harder than one with children who don't. A family with a child who is a huge extravert with very high energy will find it worse than a family whose child loves to read and do puzzles.

The point is that you can't categorically say that single people are being tortured. You CAN say that you are personally finding it like torture.

Its hard for everyone, but harder still for others like you. My friend has no family and is also feeling it but she is making up on socialmedia and phone calls.
Try and get out for a walk every day, there are lots doing the same so you will be able to at least see others and feel part of society. Hope you can try and stay positive

BlingLoving you've hit the nail on the head with your post. That absolutely sums up how I feel.

It's not worse or better for anyone according to whether they're married, single or whatever. It's to do with the unique combination of temperament and circumstance.

I suppose the "woe is me I'm single and its torture" thing is just a personal red rag to a bull to me because I'm so enraged by the way society makes single people feel like they are always better off in relationships and pushes them into unhappy or inappropriate ones.

I feel that this is a golden opportunity for us as a society to move away from that way of thinking, so I see being single as a huge gift and I want people to be shouting from the rooftops about how positive it is and how much luckier they are.

But I appreciate that's my own particular agenda.

I still think its kind of irresponsible and very silly to suggest that it automatically makes you worse off though.

"What about all the campaigns that say mental health is as important as physical health"

That's in normal times, when there isn't a pandemic killing so many people
Currently, protecting physical health is vastly more important

e.g. Within just a few weeks, Italy has suffered 7,500 deaths, many thousands more seriously ill
They total about 4,000 suicides per year

My mum is 75 and stuck on her own in a foreign country. She's been on her own without leaving her flat for 3 weeks now. She hasn't moaned once, is grateful to be able to keep safe and praises those risking their lives on the frontline.

Good for her. So because your mum is good at coping with isolation, we all should be? In that case - did you know I'm really good at maths. Why isn't everyone? After all, if I can get an A* in Further Maths, everyone else should be able to as well...

And there may well be significant upsides to being single because you're not being forced to spend 24/7 locked indoors with a spouse or partner because, let's face it, this is awful even in a good relationship let alone a bad one.

Bollocks - I am so glad I have my husband even though we live in a tiny flat and sit in the same room all day, and have turned into Nutty and Nutty from Gogglebox. I'd be sobbing into my hands all day if I had to do this alone.

YABU.

I hate the whole competitive victim thing but there are so, so many people who have it worse than you right now.

My sympathies lie with the front line workers in the health service, public services, retail and so on. Literally risking their lives so people can stay healthy and fed. They lie with those who are in the extremely vulnerable and vulnerable groups. They lie with those who have to care for others- children with SN who are having meltdowns every day because their routine is gone, their parents with dementia who don't understand, etc. They lie with those having to work from home and homeschool young kids. They lie with single parents who have no support.

You literally only have yourself to focus on. If you want to get out and about, volunteer for the NHS. Being told to stay in to watch tv and video chat with friends isn't torture. Maybe you should think about those who are in domestic abuse situations and get a grip on what torture actually is?

Being cooped up with an abusive partner must be sheer torture
Especially for the kids, if any, of that family too

Even non-abusive, but where the relationship has died and the couple only bumped along because they apart nearly all day

At least being single, I'm only locked up with my own foibles
I'm grateful for what I've got.
I'll cope. We all have to

YANBU OP.
No idea why people are giving you hard time.
I’m sorry.
And yes, i understand.
It’ horrible to go through this alone.

*@JustInCaseCakeHappens It is not so easy to make friends. I get a lot if dislike in the England for being Irish.

I am thinking about moving to Scotland - all i want is to be a round a few friendly people*
I moved abroad in 2015 for, amongst others, similar reasons. I lived in London and found nobody much wanted to know me and everyone was professionally busy all the time. Although to all intents and purposes I come across as English, I did experience anti Irish racism due to my surname growing up, something that nobody seems to ever acknowledge in England now. Since I moved away, honestly I've never looked back. The sheer act of relocation in the face of the opposition, judgmentalism and negativity that seems to be maby people's emotional screensaver in England, was enormously liberating. I made a lot of new friends through periods of being single and in a relationship in my 40s, when people say it is impossible to do so. I'd sit down and plan your post CV life. A meticulous social plan of action perhaps starting with a trip to Scotland as a recce. I would perhaps look at Glasgow as a first point of call. Then aim for at least 1 midweek activity whether it be volunteering or an evening class or whatnot. I'd NEVER have thought I'd have joined a running group after never having liked sport but here I am and can't imagine life without it. So best of luck and don't spend too much time on here

@ordree thank you so much, that was so helpful!

Location is so important for our wellbeing.

As I said, I am currently getting dislike in England for being Irish - and it is hard to make friends, so I will move.

What country did you move to?

Good for her. So because your mum is good at coping with isolation, we all should be?
No it doesn't, but it means that we can focus on how others in worse situations manage to cope rather than lamenting on how bad we've got it when ultimately, there will some going through this crisis in much worse conditions.

It's not undermining that some won't have the same level of resilience and will find harder but moaning about it and seeking sympathy is certainly not the best way to deal with it.

PepePig
You literally only have yourself to focus on.
I don't do well focusing only on myself. I'm much more useful in a group or partnership where we support each other.

If you want to get out and about, volunteer for the NHS.
I have. Mentioned upthread. The only thing I'm allowed to do is phone calls, as I don't have transport. I've also signed up to a local group and already dropped off shopping on foot. Leaving food on someone's doorstep is helpful, so I'm doing it. But from a "getting out and about" POV it's not the same as actually spending time with people. And it's definitely not the same as spending time with those I love and have no idea when I'm going to see again.

Being told to stay in to watch tv and video chat with friends isn't torture.
Being in enforced isolation is literally used as torture. Yes, it could be worse, but I am concerned that there seems to be so little thought or empathy for people having to undergo this - compare this to New Zealand, as referred to by a PP, where people living alone can buddy up with someone else and at least have that one person they can see.

You also seem to miss the point that as friends are with children and partners, they are not having the same need of company or time and so are not necessarily available to chat to. It feels like everyone's going to forget me by the time this is over - the separation making us further apart. I worry that when we're allowed to socialise again the isolation will remain for me as everyone rushes to see closer family/friends.

And the really shitty thing about it is I feel like I'm just a burden to people at a time when I want to be helpful. Because isolation makes my brain unravel and the horrible memories get stronger. But a different sort of crisis, where we were all banding together but actually together would mean I found reserves of strength and could actually be quite useful (this isn't hypothetical - I know from experience this happens when I am able to help others in a hands on way. But isolation is literally the opposite.)

I can see both sides of this. I didn't meet DH until later in life, and when I lived alone there were times when I needed to be around other people, much as I liked living alone.

Since moving in with DH and having DC, there are times when I have desperately wanted to live on my own again, nearly ...

@VirtualHugsAllRound that last post if yours makes do much sense to me. I’m normally a helper and cope with most things ok, by this has triggered so much stuff and I, frankly, have hone completely bonkers and am full of terrible panic and anxiety and yes, loneliness. It’s triggered all sorts of things from what’s happened to me in the past and I can’t use my usual coping strategies. It’s not that I’m a selfish witch who doesn’t give a shit about Anne Frank, etc, ffs. It’s because I have mental Heath issues in this situation and am isolated. 💐to you

Net huns is that way >

Off you fuck then sweetie xxx

I'm sure some will take the piss but hugging yourself has been proven to work in boosting feelings. Put your arms across and around your body. Your brain doesn't know it is you so you will have the happy feelings.

If you are genuine are suicide then call someone

Can you volunteer for the NHS as part of the current ask?

Then you will have some interaction that way

(I have volunteered myself)

@MadamePewter I am the same! All this time to think - has spiralled me into thinking about sad times from my past!

Too much time to think.

I am now trying to keep my mind busy all day - learning spanish, etc

I send ou a hug

@Amymayapple that’s good-I had loads of plans for using the time for inspiring self improvement but in reality I’ve had a complete meltdown 😃 Not the plan! I’m keeping it enough together for my child and hoping to feel better and crack on with the improving stuff.

Hugs back, to you and all feeling crap.