To say no to his kids coming over?

[netflixandsleep1]

My DP has two daughters for previous relationship age 7 and 8. Generally healthy children, they come to ours Thursday (usually after school) - Sunday evening.

We have our own DD, she's nearly two and she has chronic lung disease along with a list of other conditions (hydrocephalus, low muscle tone etc) but since leaving hospital her lungs have been her biggest issue.

Since Boris announced the lockdown we haven't got anywhere other than round the block for a walk of fresh air and disinfecting everything as we go!! Yesterday, DP spoke to his DD on FaceTime and he asked if she'd been staying at home and she was confused and said no they have been to moms friends, nans, great nans, Asda and the playground. Their mom then came on the phone effing and blinding saying how dare we ask what they are doing () and what she does in her own time is her business.

Fair enough.

My first reaction was that they cannot come over then as their mom hasn't enforced the guidelines and my daughters life is potentially at risk and DP is saying they can have a bath as soon as they get here etc I explained if they have contracted the virus they might not have symptoms but everything they cough, sneeze, touch will also get infected! We haven't spoken since yesterday evening as I'm pretty adamant however I'm not worrying I'm being too harsh.

Thanks

He needs to find somewhere else to go and then isolate for a couple weeks and then come back to you

Why does he have to stay with OP and not his other kids ?

I just said SPLIT HIS TIME

And I meant split your time as in stay with OP for a month and then go and look after his other kids for a period of time

@Olawisk, lol. Should he just magically pull another home out of his arse then to stay in with his older children?

And how can he SPLIT his time in the way you suggest?

I assume the girls’ mother doesn’t want to be away from them for a month at a time.

And by time he has finished isolating after seeing his older children, rather than seeing his youngest, vulnerable daughter, it will be time for him to see his older children again.

He can spend a month and a half with the OP and then rent a air bnb for a month and spend some time with his other kids.

I don't even know where to start with this. Leaving aside the obvious (to most people) financial implications, how could he guarantee that his ex would suddenly start social distancing during his month with their kids? Because if she was still taking them out and about then he wouldn't be safe to return home would he?

@Olawisk here’s a thought, if he risks going between households when one household has not been social distancing properly and the other household contains a vulnerable at risk child then the problem of which children he sees most of might be solved for him, by the virus.

He can spend a month and a half with the OP and then rent a air bnb for a month and spend some time with his other kids

I missed this!

It just gets better and better!

People are going through real financial hardship at the moment, with mortgages to pay etc, and in addition to all that, this man has just to rent an air b&b FOR A MONTH!

Congratulations @olawisk! You win the internet today!

instead of just leaving them for months on end
He is not just leaving them.
FUCK ME - YOU ARE DENSE!!!!
Sorry MNHQ - but it's so frustrating that 'some' people just don't get it.
It's like pulling friggin' teeth.

I would love to pop to my moms for a cuppa and go and take my Nan some cakes but I can't! It's just what's happening in the world right now, it's affecting everybody

I also think that some posters are determined to dismiss the needs of the children of the second family in any thread.

What’s inconsiderate is ditching your kids for 3 months

No, you fool, what is inconsiderate is knowingly putting your vulnerable 2 year old at risk of death!

I also think that some posters are determined to dismiss the needs of the children of the second family in any thread

The way children of second families are viewed on MNs is disgusting.

I’ve read some whoppers on here before. But now it seems that children of second families aren’t even entitled to be protected from exposure to a virus that could kill them.

Un-fucking-believable!

Given the vulnerability of your daughter, he really should not see his likely very infections daughters and then come back to you, unless he is VERY strict with social distancing. Which his DDs might find as hard as not seeing him at all.

I woudl ahve been uncertain about ahving people from another hosuehold given you ahve a household member who needs shielding - it would be the same if your dd was actually your or DPs 90-year-old grandma, really.

Given that DP ex seems set on infecting all her relatives and picking up anything they might be wanting to share, she has made it much harder for you and DP to compromise even. As PP said, maybe show him this www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19

Sorry you are in this upsetting situation, but the more everyone stays apart, the less likely it is the health service will collapse.

@ThusSpoke It always really get to me because I have one DNiece and 2DNephews who are the children of the second family. Thankfully, my DSis's DSS is close to her and my DM is 'Granny' to him and his mum has always got on well with my DSis. It can work much better IRL much better than some posters appear to think.

Your definitely not being unreasonable.
I have a 6 month old baby with no health concerns but the mother of my step daughter is similar to yours and I’ve said that my step daughter is to isolate in either our house or with her mother.
I will not risk my baby for anybody!
I am in NZ and we have 4 weeks of lockdown here

he should be paying if he wants to see his kids instead of just leaving them for months on end.

Did you miss the bit in the new rules about staying where you live?

Due to DD high risk you should be self isolating, just remind oh and his ch. Skype them and tell them how it would be lovely to have them back when this blows over.

YANBU sad for his kids and him... but the life of your child comes first... theres no way I'd gamble with my childs actual life over this. Either he leaves and goes and stays with them or in an airbnb for the duration or he doesnt see them physically till this is over... absolutely no way would I put my childs life at risk just because someone else wasnt taking it seriously and thought I shouldnt either

Calm down everyone 😂

YANBU
Had she socially distanced the dcs, that would be different. Is your dp going to agree not to see them? And if your dp were to see his dcs, where would he stay for 2 weeks? Would you cope for that time looking after your dd alone?

I think i'd have to LTB! He sounds as thick as a plank. Of course YANBU. If your DD catches this... well, it could be awful.

It is a shame he won't be able to see his children but this isn't an ordinary situation.

All the hospitals around here are ONE parent/legal guardian can be with a child in hospital - no swapping

I have four children, if the risk of one of them becoming very ill meant I couldn't see the others for three months, I wouldn't need to even think about it. I'd miss them, but it wouldn't be worth the risk.

Olawisk is clearly having a laugh.

Update: had loads of abuse from their mom but honestly couldn't give a shit

Told DP if he can't put DD first for potentially the only time he will ever be asked or need to them he knows where to door is and can make arrangements outside of our home.

I've read him some of the replies but he doesn't care because "you are not in his position". I explained hundreds of families are in this position however unfortunately ours involves a poorly baby (I know she's nearly two but she's still a baby in comparison!!)

Gonna have a chat in the morning and try and arrange something where my daughters life isn't at risk

Thank you for all the supportive responses

Olawisk
What kind of low life get a laugh out of a persons severely compromised child?

You are absolutely correct in what you are doing op, stand your ground.
Things cannot and must not remain the same these aren't normal times I really wish some people would realise this.
Best of luck op hope you and your dd stay safe