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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to his kids coming over?

198 replies

netflixandsleep1 · 26/03/2020 08:10

My DP has two daughters for previous relationship age 7 and 8. Generally healthy children, they come to ours Thursday (usually after school) - Sunday evening.

We have our own DD, she's nearly two and she has chronic lung disease along with a list of other conditions (hydrocephalus, low muscle tone etc) but since leaving hospital her lungs have been her biggest issue.

Since Boris announced the lockdown we haven't got anywhere other than round the block for a walk of fresh air and disinfecting everything as we go!! Yesterday, DP spoke to his DD on FaceTime and he asked if she'd been staying at home and she was confused and said no they have been to moms friends, nans, great nans, Asda and the playground. Their mom then came on the phone effing and blinding saying how dare we ask what they are doing (Confused) and what she does in her own time is her business.

Fair enough.

My first reaction was that they cannot come over then as their mom hasn't enforced the guidelines and my daughters life is potentially at risk and DP is saying they can have a bath as soon as they get here etc I explained if they have contracted the virus they might not have symptoms but everything they cough, sneeze, touch will also get infected! We haven't spoken since yesterday evening as I'm pretty adamant however I'm not worrying I'm being too harsh.

Thanks

OP posts:
UseByDateExpired · 26/03/2020 09:40

And the effing and blinding mother needs to understand that if she doesn’t properly isolate her Dds they can never come to yours.

Winterwoollies · 26/03/2020 09:55

I can’t believe stupid people like your partner and his ex are demonising those who are sticking to the rules to protect themselves and others. Like other posters, I’m also fed up with people not bothering to do what we’re supposed to. It’s the ONLY way to stop this becoming worse and worse and making it last longer and longer.

I can’t work out if they can’t understand it or simply won’t understand it. Is it belligerence or stupidity?!

hardboiledeggs · 26/03/2020 09:55

I agree with you here. They are saying the children with separated parents can still go between two homes but in this case the risk is too high with you DD. He can still facetime his kids or skype. It's only for a few weeks. Not worth the risk.

7yo7yo · 26/03/2020 10:07

Is it DP or DH?
Whose name is the house in?

Mia1415 · 26/03/2020 10:12

YADNBU

Original poster
netflixandsleep1 · 26/03/2020 10:31

@7yo7yo DP. We both own the house.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 26/03/2020 10:37

Is there anywhere else he could go? Failing that could you go somewhere else?

PinkCrayon · 26/03/2020 10:45

Yanbu, I would also not have my partner near my child if he chose to go and see his kids out of the house as he could bring it back. It sounds like your partner and his ex aren't taking this seriously at all.

firsttimemomx · 26/03/2020 10:47

I don't think I have ever agreed with someone on mumsnet as much as I agree with you right now! One milllion percent behind you, they can speak on FaceTime. It's a shame for the kids but it's the moms fault for not following the rules

Collaborate · 26/03/2020 10:55

YANBU at all, and are acting in accordance with government guidelines to protect your vulnerable daughter. I presume though that you are locked down for 12 weeks - all of you - otherwise if anyone in your household is going out at all for any reason you are putting your daughter at risk again.

Olawisk · 26/03/2020 11:08

I get it and I understand why your saying no but I can also understand that he wants to see his kids. Why should the mum do all childcare over the next 3 weeks. Can he move out somewhere?

Olawisk · 26/03/2020 11:09

3 weeks - 3 months!

Inforthelonghaul · 26/03/2020 11:12

100% they need to stay put. Wtf is the matter with people

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2020 11:14

Yanbu at all

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/03/2020 11:16

With some parents like his ex they are either too thick to understand this virus or they simply don’t care if the child gets sick.

Given your dd health troubles, No the others can’t come over at this time and if he goes to see them, he can’t come home after.....

TheBusDriver · 26/03/2020 11:20

I think you are being unreasonable if they have not got symptoms then why not?

Remember this virus is here to stay and will not magically disappear what happens in 4months 5months etc I get the fear but dont let it rule you

Original poster
netflixandsleep1 · 26/03/2020 11:21

@olawisk unfortunately if he moves out so he can see his other children then it's me doing all the childcare and he won't be seeing our DD either.

I don't make the rules and I wish this horrible virus wasn't around but it is and I'm putting my daughters health before her childcare needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
netflixandsleep1 · 26/03/2020 11:22

@TheBusDriver correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure most children don't show symptoms and act as carriers? They have been in contact will well over 15 people in the last 3 days and could be carrying the virus without knowing.

OP posts:
goldenorbspider · 26/03/2020 11:25

I think given tour daughters condition it would make more sense he goes to see them

Mummyshark2018 · 26/03/2020 11:27

I agree that they shouldn't come over given the circumstances but if you come off with this then you lose the argument:

*unfortunately if he moves out so he can see his other children then it's me doing all the childcare and he won't be seeing our DD either.

I don't make the rules and I wish this horrible virus wasn't around but it is and I'm putting my daughters health before her childcare needs.*

Why is your 'childcare' needs above his dc's mothers? You've one child and he has two with his ex. Surely she needs more 'childcare' help than you?

Frenchw1fe · 26/03/2020 11:49

@TheBusDriver in the nicest possible way you obviously haven’t got a clue how this virus spreads.

Northernwarrior · 26/03/2020 11:58

Of course the can’t come over.

Your dh ex will do the usual “some people using Covid as an excuse” on social media I’m sure. Don’t worry though she’ll clock up her “you ok hon” replies and will be all good.

Push this aside and do whatever it takes to keep your baby safe. If this meant extra childcare because dh had to leave then so be it.

LonginesPrime · 26/03/2020 12:21

I think given tour daughters condition it would make more sense he goes to see them

The NHS shielding letter makes it quite clear that everyone in the household needs to be practising social distancing to keep the vulnerable person safe.

If he goes out and has close physical contact (which is inevitable) with children who haven't been practising social distancing, he will put his vulnerable DD at risk by coming home again.

Whoareyoudududu · 26/03/2020 12:26

YANBU at all. My DC aren’t visiting their Dad for the time being because he’s still at work in a fairly high risk environment and he lives with his GF and her two children 30 miles away, the risk isn’t worthwhile for his 6 hours a week.

The risk definitely isn’t worth it for you when your DD has a lung condition, this could be catastrophic for her. Don’t risk it.

Wannabangbang · 26/03/2020 12:28

Yes children are carriers, don't risk it

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