AIBU in feeling my mother is off the scale selfish and callous?

[Kippenbelladonna]

My mother doesn’t want us to use my parents’ empty flat to keep ourselves safe during this epidemic. So, the background is as follows: I’m an only child and my son is her only grandchild. I’m a senior clinician in a small specialist inpatient unit and we have already had one confirmed COVID case in the hospital. I must continue to look after patients. My husband is in a high risk category with a probable 10% mortality if he catches COVID. My son is very young, has ADHD and is very exuberant, tactile and therefore a high infection transmission risk. We have no close family and I can’t imagine anyone wanting to look after our child with the risk to them of catching COVID if both of us fall ill. We live in the epicentre of the epidemic in the UK. My parents are safely self isolating in a European country with better medical resources and they will not return to the UK until this epidemic is well over. My mother is very concerned about their health and was sending me media updates regularly, well before we approached lockdown, so she is not in denial with regards to the risks, certainly not when it comes to her own well being. We started a major house renovation project two months ago and she made it clear we could not use their flat, which is within walking distance of our house, during the project and should find temporary accommodation. We have been perfectly comfortable at home and I was happy with my decision to stay in the house and felt no need to move out. There’s less space due to boxes, risk from scaffolding etc but whilst my son was out all day when the workmen were in the house and the risk of COVID was low, we were all fine. Now, the risk of cross infection with a young tactile child at home 24/7 is high. When I told her we needed to use her flat as my husband and son now needed to self isolate together, to keep us safe as a family, her immediate response was “my flat will be wrecked, it’s an invasion of my privacy and I don’t want anyone sleeping in my bed”. I was so shocked by her response I put the phone down on her. Over the years and from a young age I have supported my parents through their respective mental health problems, serious physical illnesses and even supported them financially, when I was in my 20s and now they would be considered wealthy by almost anyone’s standards. I know if the tables were turned, my mother would absolutely demand to use our property and consider it her right to do so. Yet her response was also to say “what are other families doing?” When I told her that in Italy clinicians and members of their families were dying, which she well knows as she’s glued to the news, she chose to ignore what I said rather than being glad she could offer support to keep us safe.
So I haven’t spoken to her for a week and she text me today to say that on no account should I allow my cleaner to go to her flat as she’s got a lot of expensive jewellery. Clearly she’s more interested in her possessions than she is about how we are all coping as a family and whether we even have enough food to eat! I’m physically and emotionally exhausted by everything I’ve had to cope with over the last fortnight.
Am I being unreasonable to think this is not how a loving mother should react to this scenario? Does anyone else out there have a mother like mine?? I need some perspective!

@MrsSnitchnose Hep C can come back. Rare but it can. Been treated twice

But you still have no right to break into their house or snoop.

Although I am not sure you can call it breaking in when you give your daughter the key to your home.

Also @MrsSnitchnose you can also be a carrier of Hep C most people are after treatment. If I remember correctly its 80 percent of Hep C who turn into carriers with half of that developing Liver disease within 10 years

All viruses mutate and get stronger.

Define ‘stronger’? Having a faster and higher mortality is a disadvantage for a virus as the host is more likely to die before it is spread. Viruses also mutate to became less dangerous with a lower morbidity. These viruses are more ‘successful’ and more likely to spread. Consider the Corona virus that causes the common cold.

YANBU OP, and you know it.

Ignore any further texts or comms from so-called DM, and tell everyone why. Your life will improve as if by magic - and you need that now.

I was fully prepared to read your post and say YABU. However, I think she is being quite callous.

You say you told her you will need to use her flat...did you tell her, or did you ask her if you could use it?

It’s also not clear if she changed her mind and has allowed you, you said she asked your cleaner to not be allowed in?

@Aesopfable Swine flu killed 34,000 people last year in the States alone. The thing about viruses is that they are already being transmitted before any symptoms are shown. So a week before you show symptoms of flu and cold how many people have you passed it along to? Our science has helped us tremendously to treat symptoms of viruses and to contain them but they aren't cured. They aren't eradicated and they mutate to be stronger. If they didn't the flu virus would have been eradicated decades ago. This why flu vaccines don't always work because their science is a year behind due to mutation. Which is why we have so many deaths from the flu

@Leaannb:

There are dozens of different influenza type A viruses and they aren't all swine flu. Influenza A viruses are classified by subtypes based on the properties of their hemagglutinin (H) and neuraminidase (N) surface proteins. There are 18 different HA subtypes and 11 different NA subtypes. Subtypes are named by combining the H and N numbers – e.g., A(H1N1), A(H3N2).Please stop telling people nonsense.

I agree with PPs - you don’t need any more stress during this time and it seems that your mother being furious with you and potentially cutting contact (I can’t imagine what worse consequences could realistically happen) is worth it compared to your stress and your husband’s health. But I think in this extreme environment it is absolutely ok to seek forgiveness after the incident rather than permission. Good luck and thank you for your hard work looking after people.

@Aesopfable, thank you at last some sense.

OP, no this is not 'normal' loving parents. Mine would have done this for me and I would for my dc. But now you know, could you rent a place in these times? Ask at work if someone has something to live in, stop the renovation for now?

It would be very hard for me to maintain a loving relationship with parents, who did that to me, but you need to reflect on what to do about your relationship with your parents.

@Juscly...Not telling them nonsense. Not at all. H1N1 is the highest killer in the flu world but people don't even realize that its still around

Wow! You can’t use her flat without her permission but that is so awful I’d withdraw any support to them in the future and keep to the barest minimum of communication. When they complain I’d tell them why.
Unbelievable in the circumstances.

You did not win the parents lottery. Have a read of books like Toxic Parents, Daughters of Narcissistic mothers. Ignore her and do what you need to do to keep your husband and son safe. Thank you for the work you do, especially now

@Leaannb You seem to know your stuff about Hep. Can I ask.... I had the Hep vac last year but only had the first one as very soon after having it fell ill. It made me very hot, dizzy and be sick. Took a few days to feel right tbh. Anyway my question is am I at risk of liver disease in 10 years? Because of the vac I mean. I'm worried now

@TeaYes There is no vaccine against Hep C but there are from A and B. Not up to date on D. Vaccines for A and B are not live so you should be fine. When you can I would ask your GP just to double check and maybe ask for a liver function panel just to get your base. Are you at high risk for developing A or B?

Builders will be the next to close down. Pressure was being put on sites to close down. Obviously this could have changed in the last few hours, and they have to close.

If this property wasn't available, then what would you do?
Wouldn't it be easier for the child to stay in his home?
Strange environment. Mum not around. It could potentially cause more unsettling behaviour for him and possible damage. Routine is all out of whack to begin with.

Use to flat put you and your family first, let her moaning go over your head.
Once this is over cut her off.

I wouldn't use the flat.

I also wouldn't bother with her or your father anymore.

As people have said on here you aren't "entitled" to use her flat. But she isn't "entitled" to a relationship with you or support from you in the future.

This would be it for me tbh. She is horrible. I have adult children and the idea of behaving like you describe your mother ... words fail me. You reap what you sow. Just drop her OP. no big deal but no more responding to her. give up. She only cares about herself.

@EmeraldShamrock Can I move into your home without your expressed approval? What about when you have already told me no? Of course not.Just because OP is talking about her mom does not mean she has carte blanche to use her mother's property without her permission. Her mother told her months ago her home was off limits. That needs to be respected.

@Leaannb you are right, it was for A and B. I only had it because it was recommended by the clinic. As I say I did not get far as they would not give me any more after the first one. Glad tbh as it really did knock me about. I was offered it because of my husband.

I will follow your advice and speak to my GP at a later date. Thank you.

I'm sorry but not sorry a Mother's duty is to protect her child.
Sometimes it's hard & a tad annoying but you protect your offspring.
What's more precious/priceless? The slightly marked walls of a flat, dented door & broken mirror etc or your Daughter's & her family's lives?

@Leaannb: I don't think anyone would dispute that H1N1 is still a significant threat. Calling it influenza type A, however, whilst not technically inaccurate, is misleading.

Covid-19, which is not an influenza, cannot be treated, but it can be stopped. It is a zoonoses which means that it is an animal virus that has jumped species to infect humans. Influenzas are also zoonotic although most people are unaware of it, and it is an issue that is played down, bizarrely in my view.

The keeping of poultry, and particularly water fowl, on the same land as pigs massively aids the passage of zoonoses into the human population by providing the virus with a mammalian host to leapfrog to. So-called wet markets similarly aid the passage of coronaviruses by keeping domestic livestock and exotic animals in close proximity. Covid-19 is believed to be a bat virus that used pangolin as its mammalian means of leapfrogging to humans.

Globally, we have to clean up our act. Specifically, that means providing incentives to countries like China to stop animal husbandry practices that are known, and have been known for a century, to be hazardous. It may not feel like it, but we're fortunate this time. This isn't the big one. But it's coming. Probably an H10 N8, in my view.

Remind her that this virus kills, you are working hard to stop others thus increasing yours and your families risk. If she can’t appreciate that I would just withdraw all communication.

Is your mum fibbing about being out of country and actually self isolating in her flat. Avoiding you because of infection risk?

This lady is working with potentially infected people every day so that the rest of us can be safe. Her husband has a high probability of death if he catches it. She is seeking to keep her family safe while taking care of everyday people like you a nd me. Without selfless people OP the rest of us would die. People defending the mother here make my blood boil. OP I would do as above and use the flat while saying nothing to her.