Men are finding this isolation/social distancing harder than women

[justasking111]

I am finding it harder to keep OH occupied than any child I have had. Having raised three being housebound through their illnesses plus one six week illness of my own. I am finding it more challenging to keep OH on an even keel, he had a mini explosion last night over something minor. He is champing at the bit to be out and about.

I cannot entertain him with puzzles, games, BBC learning unfortunately.

I agree with TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg

You could have been me 5 years ago op. Putting all the effort in to keep my h happy, to keep my family happy, to live the dream of a happy family. We're getting divorced now. What I wasn't accounting for is 5 months down the divorce line how monumentally happy I am. All the weight and pressure of keeping him happy which I didn't realise I was carrying, has been lifted off my shoulders. I skip down the street now.

As for LTB umm.. I wonder how that is going to go during this emergency, where are the solicitors, the courts availability. The divorce applications will fall during this time for sure.

Only until the restrictions are removed, then I guarantee that there will be a very high level of applications as a result of people being together far more than normal. It's also likely there'll be an increase in DV, as abusers start to feel frustrated.

Bloody hell. Why is it your job to entertain a grown adult. And why are you lazy?

We're all going to have a lot of time to be lazy over the next few weeks so let's take advantage.
I'd start by making it clear it is not my job to find entertainment for an other adult.

I'm presuming OP you don't think its okay for a grown 'action man' to be criticising you and calling you lazy and that he should in fact be sharing equally the responsibility for running the household and caring for your family rather than mythering around like a 13 year old.

I am a successful professional woman and don't ascribe to sexist notions that being driven and ambitious is a male trait. However I manage to combine my career with running a household and caring for my kids - so do 2 jobs compared with some useless male breadwinner type who wants thanks and recognition for doing way less. We are going to have at least 3 months of this so set him straight now on how he plays his part and pulls his weight. We will all find it challenging.

I have to say my husband is very happy. No commuting time; no suits or ties; no traffic jams; no hotel food or overnight stays; less stress about delivery mess ups.
Instead he’s pottering around with the dog doing odd jobs, running, eating lots of marmite and toast, watching bad television (very bad television) and making calls.

I do take issue with your minimising dyslexia ADD ADHD, he has two of those conditions. I have worked in a school with children who suffer with this, it really is not easy for them. I also have a brother with a mild form of autism. It really is not something that can help or can be cured.

If you knew as much as you claimed you'd know there's no such thing as a "mild form of autism."

No ADHD isn't something that can be cured, but people can learn coping skills and strategies.
It's not at all like you're making it out to be, it's not "ohhh, poor man with ADHD can't help the way he behaves so he just gets to treat everyone else like shit."
Oh, and as other posters have pointed out such conditions aren't more prevalent in men, they're just diagnosed more in males because the criteria is more orientated to stereotypical male behaviour.

Having ADHD isn't a free pass to being a twat or a rubbish selfish husband. No, it's not easy having ADHD, but it's certainly not helped by having people making excuses for an adult's behaviour.
As an autistic person, please stop using developmental disorders to excuse bad behaviour.

He’s emotionally abusive to you why do you think this is acceptable?

Was your parents marriage also abusive?

The divorce applications will fall during this time for sure
But they will jump through the roof as soon as they can - this happened in Wuhan too.

More seriously, you seem to make excuses for his bad behaviour. There is no reason why he can't go out alone in the fresh air for a walk. He needs to understand how he feels and reacts is his responsibility not yours. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of entertaining him. Few nice suggestion maybe, but it's up to him. If he's being an arse I'd tell him so.

It is the opposite in my house. I am a sahm to 6 kids, my dh normally works outside the house. For him this is a huge holiday - a change. For me its the same as everyday but without being able to go out to relieve the craziness.

We always homeschool so I am well used to being with them 24/7 but all the groups we go to are cancelled so there is no outlet!.

I think DH will get bored once he has reached his max quota of 80s childrens films

Get him to volunteer in the community, at a safe distance? He could clean other peoples drives or cars?!

Not my DH he has taken to the X box. He's great company. Not.

I take issue with dyslexia, autism and ADHD being used as excuses for someone behaving like a total dick.

Wait until you're in lockdown: go for a run? Lol.

DH doesn't bring home the bacon, but he does slip me some pork now and again

Tell him to grow the fuck up. Play with his children. Learn the guitar (or whatever) with them. Play dress up. Make a giant cardboard box castlev that takes up half the living room

So pleased all detractors are married to happy clappy men quite happy to be at home, however, not all are perhaps

I just love how this assumes that the posters on MN are all unemployed or SAHP, whilst all their male spouses go out to work. Are you aware what year it is?

Hear hear Buttery

To be serious for a moment, men perhaps measure success by going out to work and bringing home the bacon, take that away from them what is left.

As well dyslexia, adhd. and other issues are more prevalent in men but masked somewhat by keeping busy, being protective. Take that away from them can be very difficult.

I define myself by my job and have ADHD. I also own a working vagina.

He's a twat.

All the women with DHs that play video games were all married to man-children a week ago. We are pretty smug now, let me tell you.

My x was like this. So I LTB.

Women's Aid have been reminding people how the only thing worse than having to isolate is to have an abusive man under the same roof. I can't imagine how awful it must be for so many women right now. I hope that they are galvanised to make decisions on how to live the rest of their life and to follow through on that when this situation has abated a little.

I think most people find it hard to not be able to go out both men and women some more than others I’m quite a homebody but will be still working so will get out and see others. Also the nature in us I do believe is different and also how we have been conditioned

Women are often more responsible towards their family even men I know that certainly do their equal share of house work will have more out of home activities that are not centred around the family

evolution and conditioning as always will certainly play out in the situation we are in now

Your DH is behaving unpleasantly. He has no business calling you lazy and taking his frustration out on you.

There are plenty or reasons that men may find this harder than women

I actually agree with this but not for any reasons that would get men off the hook. Most men have never really experienced any restrictions on their freedom or liberty, women are used to not being able to go out after dark or walk down certain streets or talk to strangers, we are used to not being free in a world built for men. Also women are much more likely to be used to putting other people's needs before our own, whether that be because we do most of the caring work in society (paid or unpaid) or because we are socially conditioned to be considerate. Men are not as used to this, they are used to be selfish and expecting others to take care of and entertain them. Also, men are much less used to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Women often start to feel this way from about age 12 (as soon as they start to experience sexual harassment or being told 'you cant do that because you're a girl' etc)

So yeah, it is harder for men. But it might teach them a thing or two

Never has occured to me to entertain my dp. We both just get on with things. Is he actually asking you to entertain him or is this something you've taken it upon yourself to do? He's an adult, not a child.

Your husband sounds like a dick and it’s perfectly possible to garden using only one arm. Tell him to suck it up and get on with it like the rest of us are having to. If you continue to treat him like a child that needs entertaining then you have nobody to blame but yourself when he behaves like a child.

I'm wondering if this is the fundamental difference between relationships that work and those that don't.
Don't - one party feels inferior and that it's their duty to please the other. One sided only.
Do work - couple work together and support each other through difficult times

I actually agree with this but not for any reasons that would get men off the hook. Most men have never really experienced any restrictions on their freedom or liberty, women are used to not being able to go out after dark or walk down certain streets or talk to strangers, we are used to not being free in a world built for men. Also women are much more likely to be used to putting other people's needs before our own, whether that be because we do most of the caring work in society (paid or unpaid) or because we are socially conditioned to be considerate. Men are not as used to this, they are used to be selfish and expecting others to take care of and entertain them. Also, men are much less used to feeling powerless and vulnerable. Women often start to feel this way from about age 12 (as soon as they start to experience sexual harassment or being told 'you cant do that because you're a girl' etc)

Excellent post, I agree.