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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Under pressure to attend a forthcoming wedding

182 replies

Plantlover101 · 18/03/2020 21:04

Hello, I'm in my 50s and a close family member is getting married in a week's time.

Several months ago I booked a hotel room at the venue in another city.

That was before coronavirus. The venue (a hotel) won't cancel the wedding unless ordered to by the govt. The hotel staff actually told me this. Family member stands to lose several Ks if they cancel, so understandably they want the wedding to go ahead.

I have asthma - well controlled until I get colds or flu, when it is much worse - and I was treated with drugs for 2 years for a lung disease, now cured. Before that diagnosis it was thought I had cancer and during the course of biopsies, I suffered a punctured lung on three occasions.

My DSis told me the family member and her side of the family "would never forgive me" if I didn't go to the wedding.

And just to give away my location, my UK city is a coronavirus hotspot and there is talk of a lockdown.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PeterPanGoesWrong · 19/03/2020 09:40

Please don’t go, your health is far more important.
As for their “i will never forgive you” type of threat, that tells you all you need to know about them. If they think they are more important than you, they are not worth knowing. I’m sorry for you and for everyone losing out on so many events. My own daughter is supposed to be getting married in a May, her reception venue just called to say they are closing for the foreseeable future. She can reschedule but only if the registrar office has any spaces for later.

Flowers for you, not the bride x

redwoodmazza · 19/03/2020 09:47

Stay In - Stay Alive.

rattusrattus20 · 19/03/2020 09:51

Non issue, no-one will attend anyway.

foodandwine89 · 19/03/2020 11:03

Your relatives are dumb. That being said, wait a few days as the decision will be taken out of your hands - we’ll go in lockdown soon and the venue is likely to cancel so there is your out. Tell them how much you want to come, you’re getting cautiously excited and then pretend disappointment when London goes in lockdown

EKGEMS · 19/03/2020 11:20

I had severe asthma requiring xolair injections for twelve years and once on a ventilator after giving birth with ARDS but I'm still working as a nurse here in the states because I'm needed but I despair situations such as this with such selfishness hold your ground OP

julybaby32 · 19/03/2020 11:46

You are absolutely right not to go. I have been told to work from home for similar reasons to you, but less severe. You might infect other guests (We can't know that some people with underlying health problems aren't asymptomatically infected.) You might infect someone else on the journey there and back. They might be ill enough to take up that last ventilator in the area so that someone else dies. you might pick up the infection, get ill and die or again, someone else dies because there is not ventilator available for you. And if I did something as daft as travelling to a wedding when my poor hard working colleagues are struggling under the extra work load, I'd feel terribly guilty and would have to accept that dismissal would be entire reasonable. I hope for your sake and the sake of those around her that this is not typical of your sister's behaviour. And yes there were people missing from my wedding due to illness. I sent one of them my bouquet.

Brefugee · 19/03/2020 12:06

You're right not to go and you might want to re-evaluate the relationship with your DSis and DNiece if this is how they are.

PP said get them a present they want? I'd be giving them nothing or a toaster or set of napkin rings or something totally 70s and useless.

Look after yourself, OP, at least your company are taking it seriously.

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 19/03/2020 13:20

Thanks for your support folks. Some of you have made me laugh, which is good.

Just to give some context, my DSis, who said the other side of the family would never forgive me, wasn't making a threat but it was kind of done sympathetically, IYSWIM.

I think the problem is that I am taking the problem seriously and they are not because they don't live in a big city and think they're safe.

My niece is a good-hearted soul and would not intentionally make me feel bad, she's just in denial about the threat of coronavirus. She has said she would understand if I didn't go. I won't be going, but I'm just waiting to see if the Govt will impose further restrictions first.

Thanks for all your support. My breathing is a little bit worse today but I'm wondering if that's psychosomatic.

Stay safe, everyone.

OP posts:
Fluffybutter · 19/03/2020 13:20

You’re not unfair to not go at all. We have a big family birthday party next weekend and I really don’t want to go but dh is saying let them cancel it before we say anything ..
Btw, London is not going into lockdown . That’s B.S

Wolfiefan · 19/03/2020 13:21

My breathing is awful today. Actually feeling light headed. I have a cold and anxiety. Both affecting my asthma. I know it’s nothing more but it’s horrid.
Take care OP.

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 19/03/2020 13:21

Sorry, just to be clear, my niece is the bride to be.

OP posts:
Isthistrueor · 19/03/2020 13:22

Your life is more important than a wedding.

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 19/03/2020 13:23

Yes, I heard that London isn't going into lockdown. I am actually in favour of lockdown to contain the spread of the virus.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plantlover101 · 19/03/2020 13:25

Wolfiefan, you take care too hun. Breathing difficulties are frightening. I have lived with asthma for 40-odd years but any deterioration in my breathing always scares me.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 19/03/2020 13:28

Only ever needed a nebuliser once. I’m staying calm and cuddling the puppy. Breathing is for wimps anyway. Hmm

AriadnesFilament · 19/03/2020 13:29

I’d refuse to go and tell your sister that if she and the rest of the family insist you risk your health and life by ignoring govt advice in order to attend what is ultimately a social occasion then you’ll never forgive them.

Fluffybutter · 19/03/2020 13:31

A lockdown would be good and all but my dh needs to get into the office or lots of people will suffer . Sounds dramatic but his job is vital at the moment .
We just need to give this self isolation a proper go first

MiddleClassProblem · 19/03/2020 13:53

@Fluffybutter He should still be able to get to work during lockdown if that’s the case. People who need to go to work in Italy still have been.

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 19/03/2020 16:17

It's just been announced on BBC news by the church that it should be down to the legal amount needed to be present. The bride, groom, 2 witnesses and the minister.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/11211070/coronavirus-weddings-limited-five-people-church/

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 19/03/2020 17:58

Yes, thanks Cotton, I saw that. I am pretty sure they are not having a CoE wedding but one of those civil partnership ceremonies. I don't think these would be affected in the same way, would they? However, I really don't know how these things work.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/03/2020 04:34

They will be lucky if the courthouses are still open for weddings or civil partnerships by their date.

GlamGiraffe · 20/03/2020 05:01

As your sister of wants yo catch cv19 ftom uou as us In london ate all so likely to be carrying g it now!
Maybe the bride would like ot as a wedding present.
In honesty they need to rise ip.
Yes boris said no weddings
We will be barred from leaving, preparations are in place, I understand.
Maybe just say "oh yes, of course I'd love to be there boris's info dependent, i ll try to be there of course but like lots of people well have to see what happens. We all need up start closely following the news.

Any other them could be I'll.
You could be, ahem, ill a few days before high temp starting to cough etc and definitely dont want yo contaminate them all.
In reality we will be prisoners on london.
Their venue will have bern forced to have cancel theceveny. It may be forced to shut over the next few days even.

There are lots of ways you wont end ip going.

I got.married mid swine flu. two couples didnt appear on the day, one couple were v I'll with it and at hospital, one were hospitsl doctors s and got called in. One turned up with the lurgi. She ended up in bed in one if the bedrooms. We had paid vast sums for all of them, it wasnt ideal but things happen, no one can help itn does it mean my wedding was any less? No, it was bloody amazing. Everyone said it was the best wedding ever and I didnt notice the people at the time I was occupied. Thry wanted to come but loved the run down afterwards and the photos

It's not a normal time. Sometimes let the nag- bags words tumble like water off a ducks back. You have to.

MsTSwift · 20/03/2020 05:11

They are upset their wedding is trashed and are lashing out at you. Understandable but not on.

We all need to get our heads round what we are losing. Watching my 11 year old figure out all her primary leavers stuff won’t happen was bloody awful. We had a little cry. Then tried to think of alternatives and focussed on how fortunate we are generally. Your niece needs to go through a similar process.

CtrlU · 20/03/2020 05:14

Of course don’t go...you surely can’t be more concerned about your friends opinion of you rather than your own health ?

I think your friend is more nervous about nobody showing up honestly.

For sure I would not be going.

MsTSwift · 20/03/2020 05:16

From dh panic yesterday I think the courts might close which would include registry offices etc. Bride and family need to start managing their own expectations