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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit robbed

192 replies

codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 17:51

While I adore both of my children I can't help but feel robbed of my maternity leave.

Eldest is in reception so will be at home from Friday, youngest is 4 months so I'm still on mat leave meaning we're lucky in that there are no childcare problems

But obviously the time I had just me and baby is now gone, he will not get any of the lovely special time I got with the eldest and by the time (god willing) schools are back and we have some normality back I will have to go back to work.

There are much bigger problems I know, I just needed to acknowledge it as this is my last baby and I'm sad that maternity leave is this.... I don't know what, it's stressful and anxiety ridden and I can't really process it all.

I want to hug my baby's tight and keep them safe forever but at the same time I'm resenting not having our lives.

OP posts:
1300cakes · 19/03/2020 00:10

Even though I have very real problems... but the one that stings the most is the one of the least consequence.

I think this is a good point. For some reason that is the way we often feel. Perhaps as a defence mechanism.

I think that's why people are hoarding toilet paper. An item of really no consequence, nice to have but not really needed if water is available. However people feel that not having it would be the final insult.

blossombabies · 19/03/2020 00:15

sorry your child is such an inconvenience ffs

AngeloMysterioso · 19/03/2020 04:26

This really isn't a time for "Only certain feelings matter" and "Only certain people deserve support"

This is going to take a huge toll on people's mental health. Are you all really going to shout down any poster who has a problem you don't feel is worthy or catastrophic enough?

I agree. Jesus, only a month ago half the posters here were probably spouting that #bekind crap that we all knew was bollocks and now the good old AIBU mob are just back to sharpening their claws.

OP, it’s natural and human to feel the way you do. My baby is the same age as yours and I feel sad about the things that he will be missing out on. No baby sensory classes, no swimming, no days out with our friends and their kids. Luckily for us he is oblivious to the whole thing...

My DM is over 70, diabetic and treads a very fine line with regard to her mental health. We just went to see her today for the last time before she goes into self isolation for 3 months and I’m genuinely scared that it will turn out to be the last time I ever see her, or that she gets to see my baby.

It is possible to feel upset about both these things at the same time.

snapcrap · 19/03/2020 04:31

I'm sorry but this absolutely is an intensive post and you are making yourself sound like a complete dick.

I'm late 40s, there was no year-long maternity leave when my teens were babies. Went back to work when they were three months and six months old. They were fine, I was fine.

Mumsnet doesn't have to be grimly serious or only for the sick or stricken right now, but isn't common sense and common decency an obstacle to being a privileged arse? Obviously not.

snapcrap · 19/03/2020 04:35

OP is a 'hero'? Jesus, now I'm actually lol-ing!

So very sorry for everyone with illness, sick relatives and heartbreaking IVF news on this thread. Sending love.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/03/2020 05:14

Barely anyone is going to walk away from this unscathed be it life or death physical health, financial survival or the emotional toll of isolation.

Of course the first two are about as big as you get in terms of worry, but the latter will tip many people into depression, hopefully OP won't be one of them and after a bit of time to adjust to disappointment OP will be fine. I've had crappy pregnancies, crappy births and second time round I was still crompromised by post-natal SPD months latee, and then we were hit by a month of chicken pox just as I began to feel human enough to face the world again. It was crummy. Even in normal times far worse things can happen, but emotions are not a game of top trumps and relatively trivial things are allowed to sting.

As I say to my autistic child when he's trying to reclaim some sense of control of his world by being mean to someone else, taking it out on other people does not solve your problems. If you're not in an emotional place to be diplomatic, move on. There's a difference between perspective and vitriol.

Flowers to anyone who needs them for whatever reason.

AgentPrentiss · 19/03/2020 05:28

I don’t wants to see ANYONE post their worries or hardships or complaints for at least the next six months, because there will ALWAYS be someone worse off, and it would just be insensitive and lacking in empathy to post anything you’re worried about. If there’s someone worse off, your feelings aren’t valid.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 19/03/2020 05:37

First world problem

You sound very entitled and immature

Be thankful you actually have children as thousands of people have had their IVF cancelled indefinitely during this and you can spend time as a family. Your baby won't know that you didn't have specific time with it during its first few months

LiquoricePickle · 19/03/2020 06:09

Everyone who has posted rude comments should be ashamed of themselves.

There is no prize for being the worst off, nor the bitchiest.

I'm sorry that this sucks, OP

cherrylovex3 · 19/03/2020 06:47

I don't think any of you have a right to be telling anyone how they should or shouldn't be feeling or what they can and cant be upset by.

even less so to be calling people names because they are feeling sad. not sure if you noted where the OP notes ahe has OCD? I have that severely and it is no joke. impulsive thoughts is one symptom. you have no idea what could be going through the OPs head or why it is this thought of her maternity leave being ruined that she has latched onto or is repeating itself in her head.

hard to explain if you dont have it but just one thing being out from how you expected can cause overwhelming anxiety. dont judge. The OP is not a dick and shes not immature for feeling shit about her individual circumstance.

AuntieMaggie · 19/03/2020 10:12

I don't think any of you have a right to be telling anyone how they should or shouldn't be feeling or what they can and cant be upset by. This. I'm sure it's not the only thing the OP is worried about and it's possible to have compassion for other people and feel like this at the same time FFS.

I'm in a similar position on mat leave with my second child and am also gutted. It's by far not the only thing I'm feeling or have to worry about but we shouldn't have to justify how we're feeling. Life is hard with a young baby and can be really isolating for some of us and this situation will exacerbate that.

OP if you're still reading this please be kind to yourself. Maybe join local parenting groups on Facebook as some of these in my local area look like they might be useful. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

Minesril · 19/03/2020 10:49

Perhaps there should be a pinned noticeboard at the top of AIBU saying 'don't feel that you can come to the most active board of a parenting site for support/advice because this is the board where people are allowed to be utterly horrible to each other/someone else may have it worse than you'.

OP, i get that you're upset, there is a small part of me that is upset for similar reasons. I completely appreciate that myself and DH are very, very lucky compared to most parents at the moment.

But...there are threads and threads about mums being unable to cope with a newborn and toddler. Ironically enough the advice then is never 'I'm sorry your older child is so inconvenient'. No, then it's all 'can someone take your older child out for the day? It's so tough going from one to two!' etc.

So, I thought I'd plan my second child to be born when my oldest started school. Give DC2 all the attention that DC1 got, go to baby classes etc. Nope, I'm now in the situation that I'm going to have a newborn next week and a five year old who doesn't really understand what's happening with school being closed but has to accept it along with the massive life change of having a new sibling.

I'd better keep quiet about this worry on a supposedly supportive parenting website, though. Hmm

Percypopper · 19/03/2020 11:06

By this measure every thread on here should be shut down, even if you are sick with cv, well it could be worse - you could be sick in a Syrian refugee camp, or in a concentration camp in China

And the OP’s ‘problem’ is incomparable to any of these you listed above.

Ffs she’s complaining because she’s going to have to look after 2 children rather than just the 1 on her maternity leave...boo fucking hoo. 2 children that she chose to have, that she loves.

ViciousJackdaw · 19/03/2020 11:23

OP, I sympathise but you aren't really doing yourself any favours with the language you're choosing to describe your sadness. You're painting yourself as some vulnerable weak little thing. You are NOT a victim.

Perspective is needed here. How are the new mothers in the favelas of Brazil doing right now? American women who get about six weeks of met leave? We are bloody fortunate to have what we have right now.

Moofart · 19/03/2020 11:53

Just because other people may have it worse does not mean that every other feeling we may ever feel is invalid or unimportant. Of course you're allowed to feel this way OP, I get it. You'll find a new routine and a new normal over the next few weeks

Mummyshark2018 · 19/03/2020 12:04

We're never going to get through this as a population if we don't allow people to express their genuine worries or fears, no matter how small they may be in comparison to others. Everyone will need to adjust their expectations and perspectives over time and it's easier to take small steps instead of going into full combat mode otherwise we'll have chaos- anxiety levels will go through the roof for a start.

CatteStreet · 19/03/2020 12:04

This time is hard for everyone.

Everyone's reeling a little from the shock of normal life as they knew it having more or less suddenly come to an end for a possibly indefinite period. Most people are having to make adjustments of some kind.

It's true that some people's difficulties are much greater than others'. People are aware of this. Neither the OP nor anyone else I have seen posting about 'small' worries are saying 'forget everyone losing their jobs and dying, it's MY situation that counts'. They are letting off steam as everyone needs to. The vicious virtue-signalling some of you are directing at these posters isn't doing anything to improve the general situation. I suspect some of you are letting off your own steam by putting the boot in, and I know which method of venting I prefer right now.

I am probably going to suffer loss of income, btw.

Vulpine · 19/03/2020 12:18

Given what we're all about to go through I think the op is massively insensitive

Fi1982 · 19/03/2020 12:34

I fail to see what people are getting out of kicking the OP when she’s already down.

If you don’t think the topic warrants a thread, move along and stop contributing to it. What does it add to your day to be so horrible to someone suffering mental health issues?

OP try any other board on MN if you want support or practical advice, I wouldn’t post a problem on AIBU if you paid me.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/03/2020 12:34

We're never going to get through this as a population if we don't allow people to express their genuine worries or fears,

This is something that shouldn't be a worry or a fear, and its very insensitive to moan about it.

cherrylovex3 · 19/03/2020 12:44

it's very insensitive to not have a baseline understanding of how people who have existing OCD and anxiety cope on a day to day basis and think you have even the slightest right to tell them something they are worried about shouldnt exist

most of us with anxiety struggle every day with a lot of basic things most people wouldnt even think about. ignorance is high here

NoSauce · 19/03/2020 13:35

People are upset and worried. Someone moaning about their mat leave IS insensitive right now.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/03/2020 14:31

Sorry where did the OP say she has anxiety or ocd?

Fi1982 · 19/03/2020 14:53

In her subsequent posts.

NoSauce · 19/03/2020 15:04

You mean the drip feed when it didn’t go her way.

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