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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit robbed

192 replies

codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 17:51

While I adore both of my children I can't help but feel robbed of my maternity leave.

Eldest is in reception so will be at home from Friday, youngest is 4 months so I'm still on mat leave meaning we're lucky in that there are no childcare problems

But obviously the time I had just me and baby is now gone, he will not get any of the lovely special time I got with the eldest and by the time (god willing) schools are back and we have some normality back I will have to go back to work.

There are much bigger problems I know, I just needed to acknowledge it as this is my last baby and I'm sad that maternity leave is this.... I don't know what, it's stressful and anxiety ridden and I can't really process it all.

I want to hug my baby's tight and keep them safe forever but at the same time I'm resenting not having our lives.

OP posts:
Daddypigsglasses · 18/03/2020 19:29

To be fair, by posting in a public forum where many people are likely to be much worse off than her she’s hardly showing much compassion for others. It was highly likely it would make those who read it feel worse about their situation. And it’s in AIBU where people are generally pretty harsh.

You’re not being unreasonable to feel this way op but you are being unreasonable posting this.

Viktorella · 18/03/2020 19:30

OP I'm sorry that people are being so crappy to you. The fact that some people have it worse doesn't lessen your issues at all. I found going from 1 to 2 children much harder than having my first and would have really struggled to be dealing with both every single day during my mat leave. You are entitled to acknowledge and feel your own pain without it diminishing others

LittleYorkshireLass · 18/03/2020 19:32

@codenameduchess

Wow just when I thought I'd read everything on here. Confused

Surely you're not serious!

adaline · 18/03/2020 19:33

Even by MN standards, I'm astounded by the lack of compassion on this thread.

TBH, I think OP is the one lacking compassion and awareness.

She's disappointed because she doesn't get X months alone with her newborn baby and instead has her 4yo at home too. That's an incredibly fortunate and privileged position to be in at the moment.

GreytExpectations · 18/03/2020 19:38

I'm astounded by the lack of compassion on this thread

Why exactly does the OP need compassion? She is very privaledged and lacks empathy.

NotStayingIn · 18/03/2020 19:43

I do hope Boris gives people in your situation a special mention in his next briefing and is putting plans in place...

Seriously OP! I get you’re upset that things haven’t planned out the way you envisaged, but this is definitely a time to focus on the positives.

crispysausagerolls · 18/03/2020 19:44

Jesus Titty Christ

goldenorbspider · 18/03/2020 19:44

Personally l can’t even seem to get pregnant once, never mind more than that. So for me this is a “my diamond shoes are too tight” post lm afraid, l would love the worry of childcare issues or maternity leave not the way l hoped. Like a lot of us at the moment you need to suck up your disappointment

Can't measure someone's misery. Instead of racing to the bottom, can we not accept that people have feelings? Even if you wouldn't feel that way, it doesn't stop the op's feelings. That's the thing with emotions they're not rational they simply exist. Best of luck on your maternity op x

GreytExpectations · 18/03/2020 19:48

Can't measure someone's misery. Instead of racing to the bottom, can we not accept that people have feelings?

We can accept people have feelings but we shouldn't accept them all to be justified. I'm sorry but this is not a feeling worthy enough of posting on a public forum where people are losing a lot more in their lives than "special one on one time" with their newborn baby. Plus I feel bad for the poor eldest child who is simply "ruining" ops mat leave.

DrFoxtrot · 18/03/2020 19:48

You're allowed to feel upset and disappointed OP Sad nothing about this whole situation is fair.

Smorgasbored0000 · 18/03/2020 19:49

I get it OP. And just because there are worse things going on in the world it doesn’t mean that we’re not allowed to be upset by our own situations. By those standards, we wouldn’t ever be able to be upset by anything, because there are people in the world starving, with terminal illness, etc.

salsmum · 18/03/2020 19:52

My son has twins of 3 and a nearly 5 year old he works in entertainment and is self employed the large venues ( mass groups) are closed and he has a mortgage to pay with only his wife's pt income he had work secured for the next 3 months treasure your LOs and thank your lucky stars.

LoisLittsLover · 18/03/2020 19:53

I think this is totally valid OP. I am in a similar situation and right now I am feeling a bit uneasy as I can no longer picture the end of my mat leave - last week it would BA d been me slight teary leaving dd1 at school and dd2 at nursery as I went back to my job as it was when I left. But all of these are now uncertain so it's causing a wobble.

DorisDances · 18/03/2020 19:55

You have every right to be disappointed that things haven't worked out as you had hoped but you have already had far more mat leave than we were allowed when I had my DC.

Lynda07 · 18/03/2020 20:00

You've had four months, op, some people don't even have that.
It will be nice for the two children to be together, babies respond very well to older children. It would be three weeks holiday soon anyway, just think of it as being a bit longer.

I do understand at the moment -you can do your own thing while the older one is at school, have a nap when the baby sleeps, etc. You'll miss that but it won't be forever.

Lynda07 · 18/03/2020 20:04

EL8888 Wed 18-Mar-20 19:12:19
Oh and it appears that fertility treatment is cancelled for the foreseeable. So any IVF stuff is drifting even further away. So yeah my motherhood dreams are even further away of late
.......
I had a feeling that would happen. I'm so sorry for you and others in that position. I'm trying to think of something positive to say but can't really, you will have to find the positives for yourself and I'm sure they do exist.
Flowers

Lynda07 · 18/03/2020 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Timewastingideas · 18/03/2020 20:12

Seriously give her a break. I’d have been totally gutted to loose my maternity leave. Yes people have bigger problems but it’s all relevant, besides none of you know this lady- she might be really struggling as a parent.

I know every parent says this but really try to enjoy the extra time you have, my daughter doesn’t want to talk to me most of the time let alone see me (teenager). I’d love to be back in the days of spending time together (obviously if you’d told me that then I would of said differently 😤).

We can’t control this situation, we have to take it day by day and count our blessings. Besides a 4yr old can be great entertainment for the baby!

cherrylovex3 · 18/03/2020 20:13

I understand. my baby is nearly 4 months and I'm a first time mum. my own mum is a teacher who will still be going in next week to look after key workers children so is also more at risk of getting infected then most and my grandad is 72 years old with diabetes and is absolutely refusing to stay in. he is going out for a meal tomorrow in fact. even with all that and the fact I am worried I am able to acknowledge that I feel disappointed my maternity leave is now this anxiety ridden experience wondering if I'll be able to get enough food to support my baby and get the stuff I need for her.

dont listen to the people who have been harsh on here, most of them dont have more to worry about then everyone else either but being scared brings out the worst in some

Frankiecandle · 18/03/2020 20:17

Are people just sticking the boot in for the fucking sake of it?

Twats even pulling the OP up for a grammar mistake?

Vulpine · 18/03/2020 20:21

Lots of people don't get maternity leave. Lots if people have less than 4 years between kids.

AnnaNotElsa · 18/03/2020 20:31

I don't understand the harsh comments you're getting OP. AIBU has always covered a spectrum of problems, from seriously ill children to 'my neighbour cuts across the corner of my front garden and I don't like it' posts.
You had a plan for your maternity leave and a spanner has well and truly been shoved in it and you're allowed to feel a little cheated and you're allowed to post about it. Just because others have it worse doesn't make your feelings less valid.
I have friends on maternity leave and they feel the same. I imagine people who planned to go travelling, get married, go on honeymoon, run a marathon, go to Glastonbury etc all feel similar.

Snaga · 18/03/2020 20:38

My husband was made redundant then had a heart attack which he thankfully survived when I was 2 months into my last maternity leave.

Even though my world was reeling there was a huge part of me that was sad that my second and last maternity leave was "lost". I had PND with baby one so really wanted just a normal maternity leave with baby 2.

You know these feelings are disproportionate to the events whirling around your family in general, but it doesn't stop them being there. @codenameduchess I hope you've found a slither of the support you were reaching out for on here, it's not a race to the bottom and you're allowed to find things upsetting, there's no qualifying threshold before you're allowed to be upset and seek support for that.

Snaga · 18/03/2020 20:39

PS WTF happened to #bekind? A mother is openly admitting on here that her mental health is taking a battering and at least half the posters have jumped on with both feet. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

EL8888 · 18/03/2020 20:44

@Lynda07 lm struggling to find them. I can’t even have an indulgent exotic child unfriendly holiday to look forward to. I’m now rapidly turning into a mad cat lady Shock

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