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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit robbed

192 replies

codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 17:51

While I adore both of my children I can't help but feel robbed of my maternity leave.

Eldest is in reception so will be at home from Friday, youngest is 4 months so I'm still on mat leave meaning we're lucky in that there are no childcare problems

But obviously the time I had just me and baby is now gone, he will not get any of the lovely special time I got with the eldest and by the time (god willing) schools are back and we have some normality back I will have to go back to work.

There are much bigger problems I know, I just needed to acknowledge it as this is my last baby and I'm sad that maternity leave is this.... I don't know what, it's stressful and anxiety ridden and I can't really process it all.

I want to hug my baby's tight and keep them safe forever but at the same time I'm resenting not having our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 18:37

** Of course people have it worse off but this is a fucking competition.

It's a hard enough time having a baby when you aren't forced to be completely isolated with a constant threat hanging over you.

@fatted sounds a lot like my first mat leave too- endless crying from both of us...

I'm afraid that all of this could trigger PND, or the GAD/OCD I've worked so hard to control.

OP posts:
Crickets · 18/03/2020 18:37

People have handed the op her arse. This is very unfair and some of the responses are crass and unkind.

The school closures will cause me significant issues to me and my family. My mum died and I have no family support. I can't have any more babies because I had life threatening issues and I'm sad that DC will be an only. I can still understand that the lovely plans for maternity leave might make someone a bit sad.

We can have more than one feeling at once. Feeling a bit sad about this doesn't mean the op doesn't have any other feelings and empathy about anything else.

Aibu is unnecessarily brutal.

Happy101 · 18/03/2020 18:41

I think you're entirely valid in how you feel OP. It's a difficult time and we all process in different ways, in a sense we're all mourning the lives we thought we would lead over the next few months. Yes there are people who have it worse, and people who are struggling, but someone will always have it harder, but that doesn't mean you don't matter.

HatRack · 18/03/2020 18:41

This reply has been deleted

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Minesabecks · 18/03/2020 18:41

Kids at my local school aren't likely to have their leavers' dance this year. They are only 11, there is time for plenty more dances. Should they not be upset?

Reallynowdear · 18/03/2020 18:42

OP, with kindness, tonight is not the night to air the concerns you have.

Please think before you post at the moment.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/03/2020 18:42

I do not think AIBU is the right place to come for the support you’re looking for

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 18/03/2020 18:43

Well your youngest has been born in an awful time so sorry you feel your maternity leave is ruined but people can die from this shit so, It’s just the way it is

WhenDoIGetToSleep · 18/03/2020 18:43

I think you're fine to be disappointed that your plans have to change. I'm disappointed that my holiday has been cancelled.

That doesn't diminish in any way the massive problems some people are facing.

Original poster
codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 18:45

Valid to feel it. No need to share it though...its untentionally rubbing in that your family is so secure in all this that your only worry is a lack of bonding time and chilled out days with your baby!

I didn't say that was my only worry. Fucking hell our entire lives could crash down around us any second just like everyone else

you are not a new mum

Well I have a tiny baby, my body has been through pregnancy and traumatic birth, having another child doesn't take away all of that. It just means I have to carry on through it all.

Yes there is Skype and FaceTime... neither of which my family can or will use even if talking to them about any of this was an option.

think before you post

Fuck me, yes I'll reconsider going to a place specifically there to support for fucking support. Where is be fucking kind now? Off i fuck with my mental health though because someone else has it worse

OP posts:
goldenorbspider · 18/03/2020 18:45

People are being dicks op, I'd be sad to not have that time x

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/03/2020 18:47

OP if you wanted support you shouldn't have posted in AIBU. See if you can get this moved to a different board.

TheMistressQuickly · 18/03/2020 18:49

Also a mum of twins so never had the ‘special one to one’ times you speak of.

But, please count yourself lucky that you don’t need to worry about going out to work and finding childcare.

People are very sick and it will get worse. Please stop being so selfish and have some perspective!

Percypopper · 18/03/2020 18:49

Kids at my local school aren't likely to have their leavers' dance this year. They are only 11, there is time for plenty more dances. Should they not be upset?
Course they can be upset, they’re children.
The OP is a grown woman who is still going to be able to have her time off with her heathy and happy baby but she’s sulking because she’ll have to also spend time with her eldest in that time.
Just a daft thing to be upset about

user1471447924 · 18/03/2020 18:51

Wow.

FJRogers · 18/03/2020 18:52

Some people are being very unkind OP, I understand your worries and yes there will always be someone in a worse position, it doesn't mean your feelings aren't justified. This seems to have turned into a 'yes but I/other people have it MUCH worse than you' competition. This should be a space for support. Wishing you all the best OP

Oldbutstillgotit · 18/03/2020 18:52

I don’t want to turn this into a generational thing but I was back at work by the time my DC were 4 months old .
I am struggling to be sympathetic here .

Lynda07 · 18/03/2020 18:54

Thanks for sharing that, op. It's good for all of us to realise there are people like you soldiering on in such difficult circumstances, I feel quite humble by comparison.

Letitgoooooo · 18/03/2020 18:54

Some very cunty replies on this thread.

OP your feelings are valid, look after yourself.

cheesemongery · 18/03/2020 18:55

I'm gutted I can't get my hair cut, I've had this appointment booked since December. It's in a right mess, just too busy working etc and now the opportunity has been robbed from me. I had a pic and everything.

Thank fuck my Mum is currently well though.

mnthrowaway202020 · 18/03/2020 18:56

Even under usual circumstances (without a pandemic) you need some perspective! I don’t think your feelings are valid regardless.

Your newborn won’t ever remember this “one to one” time unfortunately. I mean, do you have memories from when you were a newborn?

pinkdressinggown · 18/03/2020 18:56

I totally get this @codenameduchess - I would feel exactly the same.

Really can't believe how rude a lot of the people on here are being - just because OP isn't saying that she's panicking about the lack of loo roll in supermarkets people apparently think she isn't justified to feel or share what she's thinking! What is the acceptable level of worry? Is it just the Mumsnet Massive who get to decide what people can or cannot be concerned about? Yes, there are worse things happening - a lot worse - but that doesn't mean that anything less serious than people dying isn't worthy of people's thoughts.

Come on people, being a new mum is hard enough without having to look after an older child when you weren't expecting it, and on top of that not even knowing if you can have support from family and friends, or even go out in the next few months!

littlejalapeno · 18/03/2020 18:56

I get it OP, you’re allowed to complain about having the rug pulled out from under you. It’s okay, you will adjust and adapt and don’t feel the need to defend yourselves against those who want to start the hardship olympics.

I’ve just come off mat leave, but I’m a freelancer and all my projects have been cancelled. Partner is working from home and we’ve already had cross words about the complexities of the situation- especially as me and the little one have Corona symptoms. Mild thank goodness, but I refuse to be a skivvy and shifting around the house with a grumpy toddler so he can work in the living room.

My point is everyone is going to have to adapt, so acknowledge the crapness of the situation and make sure you do one nice thing for yourself every day and one special thing that is just you and baby and just you and elder and then roll with it as much as you can. Good luck!

adaline · 18/03/2020 18:57

In the kindest way OP, this is probably not the right time to be posting things like this. It comes across as pretty insensitive.

You are incredibly lucky. You have a healthy baby and 4yo who will have their mums' constant attention for the next few months. You don't have any childcare concerns or worries about money.

Parents on here are have to go to work on Monday and have nobody to watch their children. Others are going to have to take unpaid leave and risk not being able to pay their bills and rent. Of course you're allowed to be upset but I don't think voicing it on here is appropriate right now.

Daddypigsglasses · 18/03/2020 18:57

This time last year I was on maternity leave. My god I wish I was now!

Instead it’s unpaid leave to look after toddler and 6 year old for goodness knows how long. While still paying nursery fees.

Yes your feelings are valid but perhaps others telling you how priviledged your situation is might make you feel a bit better?

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