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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit robbed

192 replies

codenameduchess · 18/03/2020 17:51

While I adore both of my children I can't help but feel robbed of my maternity leave.

Eldest is in reception so will be at home from Friday, youngest is 4 months so I'm still on mat leave meaning we're lucky in that there are no childcare problems

But obviously the time I had just me and baby is now gone, he will not get any of the lovely special time I got with the eldest and by the time (god willing) schools are back and we have some normality back I will have to go back to work.

There are much bigger problems I know, I just needed to acknowledge it as this is my last baby and I'm sad that maternity leave is this.... I don't know what, it's stressful and anxiety ridden and I can't really process it all.

I want to hug my baby's tight and keep them safe forever but at the same time I'm resenting not having our lives.

OP posts:
peacebypeace · 18/03/2020 20:45

I would be upset in the same situation. Your feelings are valid. It is ok to have them and it is fine to post about them. It is crap that all the lovely groups are cancelled. Not the end of the world but still crap.

I know it is hard at the moment but it is always good to try and reframe something negative in a positive way if you can. You get some precious time with your older child again. The bond between your two children will strengthen and you will get to see all of it.

AnneJeanne · 18/03/2020 20:47

I would be upset, maybe, but I would also be aware of my privilege and not post this nonsense.

CheshireChat · 18/03/2020 20:48

I think we need a light-hearted minor vents thread which people can hide if it annoys them, but then little stuff like that this can be shared without annoying anyone.

OP I mean this kindly, but when relatively minor things were this difficult when DS was a baby, I realised I had PND. ADs worked amazingly well for me FWIW.

goldenorbspider · 18/03/2020 20:49

We can accept people have feelings but we shouldn't accept them all to be justified. I'm sorry but this is not a feeling worthy enough of posting on a public forum where people are losing a lot more in their lives than "special one on one time" with their newborn baby. Plus I feel bad for the poor eldest child who is simply "ruining" ops mat leave.

Maybe you should put some guidelines together. Let people know what they can share and if it's worthy of your empathy. Didn't know anonymous Internet forums operated this way.

Timmytoo · 18/03/2020 20:49

Count your blessings. All I got was 3 weeks maternity and it was unpaid. DP was made redundant in December so I couldn't afford any more time.

Lumpjumpbump12 · 18/03/2020 20:50

It's ok to feel sad. I'm mourning tonight that my Dd is going to miss the rest of her reception year, will miss Easter crafts, sports day, that my son will not be able to see his nursery key workers, or go to his toddler classes for months. Yes it's small time crap compared to some people, but still awful. I feel for you if you've imagined what something will be like for a long time, it's hard when it's suddenly taken away from you with no control.

HotSauceCommittee · 18/03/2020 21:04

Take no notice of the spite on here, OP. You are allowed your feelings. I hope you are hurt by all of the nastiness on here. Only a day or so ago there was a thread about the small disappointments the current situation is bringing.
I really struggled with my first born, PND etc, but I had a similar age gap to yours as I couldn't have managed with a toddler and a new born. It was totally lovely to have a nearly 5 year old (at school, I know) and a new born and they interacted beautifully with my eldest "helping out" with the baby. Play your cards right and you might have a little 'assistant' to keep busy. All the best to you. Make the most of your time, stay sane and healthy and don't pay head to the meanness. We all have a little worries and disappointments. Comparing who has it worse won't help those piling on the shite here.

HotSauceCommittee · 18/03/2020 21:04

I hope you ARENT hurt, I meant to,say Shock

Russellbrandshair · 18/03/2020 21:07

It’s not about comparing who has it worse. It’s about being sensitive to the horrific situations many people are in now because of this virus. A little consideration and kindness and thought to people who have significant worries about their survival wouldn’t go amiss. Not every thought has to be verbalised out loud and this is one of them. I’m sure OP would find practicing gratitude to be helpful in overcoming this issue and recognising how fortunate she is to have a problem as small as this compared to what others are going through.

Counciltennantontheedge · 18/03/2020 21:09

OP I feel your pain- my nan is deteriating rappidly and now I might not be able to see her before she dies. This was terrifying me before coronavirus.
We very well may lose the house we are about to buy.
I'm pregnant and my 2 youngest children are showing symptoms- but my dh can't self isolate because he would lose his job if he did.

But the worst thing in the world to me right now is not going for breakfast in a local cafe, just me and DH and LO while the older ones are at school.
Even though I have very real problems- that will affect me badly personally, but the one that stings the most is the one of the least consequence.

That often seems to be the way.
The op has a tiny baby btw, coronavirus is most liklely terrifying for her too. But its easier to focus on the dissapointment of disrupted mat leave than the fact her elder relatives could die- her baby wont be treated if they get ill right now- that everything is changing.

LaurieMarlow · 18/03/2020 21:13

Valid to feel it. No need to share it though

I agree with this.

If this is all you’ll lose in this crisis, you are lucky beyond measure.

OptimisticSix · 18/03/2020 21:16

You can be upset about whatever you like. I'm sorry for you op. Today I am sad I have no coke zero and that my DS is unhappy because he wanted to take his GCSE exams (his mocks were not good and he has worked really hard since them). The latter is obviously more important than the former but I'm allowed to feel both

OlaEliza · 18/03/2020 21:17

Jesus.

This.

Counciltennantontheedge · 18/03/2020 21:17

@AnneJeanne
Dont mind posting nonsense on the ops thread instead though.
She posted in aibu
Where not long ago everyone was following a cf thread about lunch.
Another one about a friend and a lift to club.
This was allowed even though other people faced rape/ suicide/ fgm/ abuse but its not allowed now? Get a grip. Everyones problems vary.

Ffs at least you only have to worry about coronavirus and not cholera.

LaurieMarlow · 18/03/2020 21:18

I get it OP. And just because there are worse things going on in the world it doesn’t mean that we’re not allowed to be upset by our own situations

In this case though, vast numbers of people are going to have it an awful lot worse than the OP.

A little perspective is badly required.

OlaEliza · 18/03/2020 21:21

I'm worried the world is going to descend into something like madmax, but that pales into insignificance compared to op's problems.

OlaEliza · 18/03/2020 21:24

Even by MN standards, I'm astounded by the lack of compassion on this thread

Maybe the op should go and check out the conception and infertility boards.

LaurieMarlow · 18/03/2020 21:24

Another one about a friend and a lift to club. This was allowed even though other people faced rape/ suicide/ fgm/ abuse but its not allowed now? Get a grip. Everyones problems vary.

I see a difference though between people dealing with very different problems (of various seriousness).

And the OP, who looks to be as minorly effected by the global crisis as it’s possible to be.

Is it really appropriate for her to be moaning about a slightly cut short ‘ideal’ maternity, when the same crisis will cause many others to lose their lives and livelihoods?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 18/03/2020 21:28

Even by MN standards, I'm astounded by the lack of compassion on this thread

well- if youre talking about "compassion"- the exact same accusation could be directed towards the OP and her lack of compassion for people ginghams through serious, life changing challenges...

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 18/03/2020 21:29

going through, not ginghams!

Cherrysoup · 18/03/2020 21:29

Wrong part of the forum, poor timing. Yes, you’re allowed to be upset, but first world problems. I’m far more concerned for the parents who have nobody to help them with childcare and whose jobs won’t be there after the schools re-open.

EL8888 · 18/03/2020 21:31

@goldenorbspider lm not saying people can’t have feelings but perspective needs to be kept. For example l had a friend upset today as she can’t go to see her mother with terminal cancer this weekend. It’s basically her last Mother’s Day Sad. Now that’s upsetting

EL8888 · 18/03/2020 21:32

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter thanks x

BecauseReasons · 18/03/2020 21:42

I dunno. Yes, OP is getting her arse handed to her but she did post in AIBU... Generally, here is where you post to be handed a grip and sent on your merry way. Which can be useful. I am reminded of a certain adage about heat and staying out of the kitchen.

grudieabbey · 18/03/2020 21:44

AIBU is not the place to find support. It’s AM I BEING UNREASONABLE.

Yes. You are.

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