Just say THANK YOU ffs

[MadameBee]

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

They're not saying it to try and get a rise out of you. It is bloody rude but next time they try it with an audience and there's a pause make sure you say 'Oh don't mind the girls, they struggle with that particular phrase, but they are working on it. Fingers crossed they have it sorted before they embarrass themselves in public' and move the conversation on.

I quite like this suggestion although I am sure some other Mumsnetters will disagree.

Well you could say that but if I was one of the girls it wpuld make me think you were even more petty.

They're acting like toddlers testing the boundaries. They can be treated like toddlers then, or they can act like polite young adults and be treated that way. It's up to them!

People are odd.

Everyone thanks whoever cooked in this house.
I thank DH for doing the laundry, and vice versa.

The kids are emphatic in their thank yous if I've cooked a meal they especially like (little do they know they happen to be my favourites too 😂)

It's common courtesy isn't it? When someone does something for you, that you're capable of doing yourself?

Both my DDs will also thank me for tidying their bedroom and putting their washing away (7 and 10) because that's their chores, and they appreciate I've done them a favour by doing it for them.
The house is a mini community, we all work together to get shit done.

Basically the issue is with the (not so dear) DSDs and their, generally bad behaviour, and your DHs indulgence of them?

Yes I do. And he thanks me for, e.g cleaning the bathroom. I think one of the secrets of a happy marriage is not taking each other for granted
That must a lot of thank yous through out the day. I totally agree about not taking each other for granted but I think if you say or do too much of one thing, it loses its meaning.

I much prefer a 'I just wanted to tell you darling how much everything you do means to me and I am so grateful for being your soulmate' out of the blue every couple of weeks than constant thank you for things I consider our shared duties to do.

There's also the risk of forgetting to say it once and upsetting that person who expects it every time.

We say thank you to each other quite a bit but we don't expect it or count it. I wouldn't be able to say if my oh said thank you or not when I cooked last night, but that's because I know and feel his appreciation most of the time and I don't need to seek it.

I quite like this suggestion although I am sure some other Mumsnetters will disagree
Yeah, rely rising at the same level of immaturity which can be excuse to some extent with teenagers, not so much when you're a grown supposedly sensible adult.

Ignoring or just stopping to indulge would be much more appropriate, but some seem to get drown by conflict even though they always moan about it.

I always say thank you after somebody has cooked me a meal.

I’ve noticed just how much thanks I get from my ds and my oh. I do thank them both for the things they do. It’s vital to feel valued for what we do.

Life is too short to feel worthless, or to pander to those who choose to be rude or to upset us to score points.

It’s so easy to fall into a rut of taking others for granted and it can be the death of relationships

This is just custom and practice.They have clearly not been brought up to do it and so theyy wont see the point now. It isnt necessarily rude but might be. If they have never done it it will feel weird. I dont think this is impoertant if they are considerate and polite generally. If this is just one example of many then they need to learn some manners but at this age a bit tricky

I think it's important to say 'please' and 'thank you' as a matter of course, it's just good manners and shows appreciation. I've always insisted on this with my DDs, not because I'm desperate for appreciation but because other people will expect it and it's an important lesson to learn. (My DD1 is fussy and has a habit of saying, 'I don't like this' and 'Yuck' so it has meant that I've had to pull her up on this regularly.

I have noticed that when I've had school friends for tea, it isn't often that they say 'thank you', which has surprised me, as i was brought up to say 'please' and 'thank you' and I say those words as a matter of course.

I think there's a lot more going on here than just a question of manners. I don't think it's fair that the OP dislikes her DSDs, I think she's feeling unappreciated and also undermined by her DH.

My 8yo just thanked me for the risotto I cooked, ‘thank you mummy I didn’t just like it I loved it’ were his exact words.

I was raised to say thank you for meals cooked for me, not so much clothes washing but always said thanks for that anyway and always thanked my mum for other littles bits she did for me.

I genuinely though this was what everyone did, I’m actually shocked some people don’t!

I think there's a lot more going on here than just a question of manners. I don't think it's fair that the OP dislikes her DSDs, I think she's feeling unappreciated and also undermined by her DH

Yes - probably this.

They have been brought up to say it because everyone says it automatically here and they have been coming here since they were 3 and 5.

I don’t dislike her at all, sometimes I dislike her behaviour, she is someone else’s teenager and I do all the “motherly” stuff but I have to tread so carefully with any “discipline” which obviously I am not used to doing as I brought my kids up alone. So feel like a weird Aunt with a bit of responsibility.

But normally we have a good chat about issues together, she is going though that phase where she goes bright red and won’t say anything when talking about loads of things atm.

The fact that she eats unhealthily, doesn’t exercise and is a little overweight bothers me yes because I think DH should be encouraging her to be healthier as in the long term it’s not good for her and I care about her.

And obviously I wouldn’t dream of saying anything to hurt her or make her feel bad.

My ds and my dh both say thank you for their dinner , didn’t really think much of it but yes it’s just basic manners

I get what you're saying, OP. My DSis is a stepmum. Her DSS is now a 22 year old adult who is married and has 2 DDC and is in the army now. He was 9 when she first met his dad, who has now been her DH for 12 years. She also has younger DC with her DH as well.

She was primary carer to her DSS for a few years when his mum moved away with her new partner, and I know it wasn't easy for her, though she loves him as much as her own DC. She stayed out of all parenting decisions, but she did manage to make changes to his diet and introduce vegetables (his dad had brought him up on his own for a few years and he refused to eat any veg), especially once she was cooking for her own DC as well.

I think it is something you could talk to your DH about tbh, as your DSD1's diet issue is a valid concern, not to mention it being bad for her teeth. I've had weight problems for most of my adult life, yo-yo dieting; it's very hard to overcome weight problems. (I don't think you should bring up the money, though, that's your DH's concern.)

The money bugs me because we have joint finances and DSD constantly breaks her mobile phones which DH then replaces which infuriated me as she doesn’t learn anything and doesn’t look after it.

And yes I worry about her teeth as she lives with her mother and she has not once taken them to the dentist, to the point we registered them here at ours.

(miles away from home).

Your worriesd about her teath then take her to the dentist she is registered with at yours.??

It’s not that easy as she’s with us weekends and school holidays and appointments are like gold dust.

My dc usually say thank you if I hand them the plate of food, dh says it afterwards, dc will also say it after if they've particularly liked it- I certainly don't have a hard and fast rule. I think smirking can arise from awkwardness as well as rudeness and if they don't say it in the formal way you do in your house when theyre at their main residence they're feeling weird in that particularly teenage way about it. Id let it go and just try and teach by example. This is the age where lots of custody arrangements break down because teenagers are awkward sods and more so with the non resident parent. There is a hint of expecting them to be grateful for the 500 miles dh drives to collect them and that kind of thinking leads to teens feeling pissed off - none of this - the divorce, living far away, having different routines in different houses, having to rush home to cook a meal - is their fault and nor is it something they have to feel grateful for. I'd let this go and try and have a little empathy for young people in a less than ideal situation. This really is small in the great scheme of things .. are you sure you're not just a little pissed off that your blood parenting days are over but you still have to put up with grumpy teens?

I'm absolutely astonshed about how many people on here are proud to be raising entitled brats. So what if parents are required to feed their DCs, it still takes time, effort and money. There is nothing wrong with children being encouraged to appreciate what other people do for them. And, as someone said earlier, it is very good for a person's mental health to be glad for what they have.

Didn't read all comments but did read yours op, seems like you're getting a hard time but I'm 100% with you.
My dsds don't speak to me at all, it's gone on years, it's not shyness, it's rudeness, they're like it with everyone. I blame my dh and his ex obvs and my efforts to engage with them have never resulted in much but that's a whole other post which I wouldn't bring to mumsnet.
They say thank you for dinner as dh insists on it, but I don't find it weird at all, it's BASIC manners, I can't believe people don't think this.
My boys thank me for everything I cook, usually talking about how much they liked it. My ds 14 is an amazing cook so he does dinner a couple of times a week and we always thank him, it really is the most simple way of showing appreciation.

I honestly CANNOT believe the amount of people in this thread saying they don't say thank you in their own home... you bloody well should. I always say thanks to DH when he cooks dinner, and vice versa and we model that for our toddler. Yes, I expect her to be a bit obstinate when we get to teen years, but I also expect her to grow up in a household where people demonstrate basic manners and kindness.
Jesus. Be kind. And yes OP, your DSDs should say thank you and I expect they will be the time they're 18, but don't get upset about it now, they're just being irritating teens