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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just say THANK YOU ffs

448 replies

MadameBee · 14/03/2020 19:03

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 15/03/2020 08:11

I'm not playing the martyr and I don't think the op is either, though I'm just going on this thread, not whatever the back story is. I think all of us , young and old, find it very easy to slip into taking people or things being done for us for granted so. I think it's important I help my kids remember not to and part of that is showing it, in a variety of ways, which they do, spontaneously and unprompted. They are learning to cook, make tea, load and unload the dishwasher because it's also my job to teach them to be self sufficient and not grow into the kind of lazy selfish adults who get complained about on here all the time.

NicEv · 15/03/2020 08:19

Manners are important. So is kindness , respect and tolerance.

You have asked for the opinion of others , yet when they disagree with you your response is to be dismissive, self righteous and unpleasant.

The way you walk about your stepchildren is horrible - there is no kindness or tolerance in your attitude towards them.

Teenage years are difficult. Teenagers need kindness and empathy. You are the adult - maybe try to focus on giving them a loving home where they don’t feel attacked by a petty step mother. You will teach them more by example than by hectoring.

I am really glad you are not my step mother.

NicEv · 15/03/2020 08:21

Oh - and I will correct my own typo before you do! It’s talk not walk.

corpsebrid3 · 15/03/2020 08:31

From the age 11 upwards when I could have made my own food, I have always thanked the person who has prepared a meal for me. They don't have to cook for me and it's a pleasure to not have to do it myself.

I completely get your frustration OP.

happinessischocolate · 15/03/2020 08:40

My kids say thank you, they say it when they come into the kitchen and get their plate of food. We also say thank you to each other when we're made a cup of tea.

If you've "been around" them for 10 years OP then you should have instilled the need for P&Qs in your house into them when they were younger

happinessischocolate · 15/03/2020 08:48

In the morning I'll hand them a plate or bowl and fractionally delay letting go until they acknowledge they had something done for them
*
Fun house that one.

There's nothing wrong with that, that's how you teach them to be polite. Admittedly it depends on the mood of the person handing over the food, if it's done lighthearted then it teaches them plus you have a laugh.

My parents looked after my 2 when they were toddlers and every time they gave the dgc something they'd look at them and go "thank you" but it's done with humour and the kids found it funny and learnt to say it too

Isthistrueor · 15/03/2020 08:55

Your DH should have picked them up on it and he should do every single time until they get the point.

Cakeisbest · 15/03/2020 09:05

I'm with you OP. They know it winds you up, as you state they look down and smirk. You're right, they are rude, you probably won't change that. So I'd suggest just accept they won't say thanks, don't expect it, which takes the pressure off and might make you feel better, less stressed, and perhaps one day a little thank you will just slip out when they're not trying so hard to not say it.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 15/03/2020 09:05

It's not harming them to say thank you is it. They don't have a finite amount of words they can say.

Imok · 15/03/2020 09:16

Regardless of anything the OP has posted previously, I do believe it's good manners to say thank you for a meal. It's not about the quality of quantity of food, it's because somebody has made an effort to get the food in the plate for you.
Both Dh and I were brought up in homes where our parents modelled good manners, rather than demanding them. We did the same with our Dcs and they do the same with theirs. Dh and I still thank each other for dinner/drinks etc. Again, not so much for the food itself, more for the effort made in getting the food /drink on the plate.

OtherVoicesOtherRooms · 15/03/2020 09:31

I used to give a girl a lift to school every morning. Never got a thank you. She just got out of the car. My DC said 'thanks Mum' every morning. Her mother was the same. Didn't get a thank you from her either. Just rude.

IHeartKingThistle · 15/03/2020 09:37

I can't believe the amount of people who don't expect a thank you for cooking. It's basic manners and it takes work to get it instilled. If they don't do it at home, they won't do it when you're not there and voila, you've raised the kid without manners.

categoricallycrackers · 15/03/2020 09:51

It seems to me they know it pushes your buttons and they are doing it for a reaction. Don't give them oxygen. Standard teenage nonsense. Ignore and don't show you care. That said, if you don't absolutely have to eat as a family you might want to fend for yourself when they are around sometimes and let their dad sort their dinner. I would find this very freeing.

Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 09:53

I do not get the issue with my user name?

I have a user name that is similar to someone else’s?

As must many people in MN?

I don’t and never have got notifications for anyone else? I rarely get them myself?

I don’t know who PPs think I am I certainly do not post every two weeks about my step kids - and even if I did, so what? This is a PARENTING forum?

I am not a murderer or a peadophile, I am a person struggling with teenage step kids venting on a parenting forum, I do not understand the criticism for doing so.

OP posts:
Jillyhilly · 15/03/2020 09:54

Your DH should have picked them up on it and he should do every single time until they get the point.

This way lies misery. Every meal will be a build-up of tension in which everyone dreads what’s coming.

I totally get where you’re coming from and it’s annoying, but forcing gratitude doesn’t make people grateful - it makes them resentful.

They’ll get it eventually, when they’re parents. That’ll be their comeuppance. Until then, I would just change my own mind about my own expectations and be less stressed about it. Put considerably less effort into meals and willingly expect them not to say thank you. And move on with your day.

Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 09:55

And - I have never ever “attacked” them for not saying thank you ... nowhere in my posts have I said I have.

OP posts:
alexasaymyname · 15/03/2020 09:55

You're unreasonable. I don't expect a thank you every time I put a meal on the table. If it's a special meal, Christmas, birthday etc, then yes I would. It's just food for heavens sake. Do you expect a thank you for washed clothes, cleaned toilets etc?

If it really bugs you don't make an effort for them. Serve up a ready meal or take away.

alexasaymyname · 15/03/2020 10:05

I would prefer my 'thank yous' to be genuine and spontaneous, not some meaningless phrase trotted out without real emotion.

aroundtheworldyet · 15/03/2020 10:06

OP
you’re a step mum
You’re never going to win on here. If you had said “you’re own children” you might have got some constructive advice

Anyway, I would sit down with your dh and work our what the wider issue is.

Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 10:07

Once, my parents and my kids were here and I did I big brunch, my parents or kids thanked me and then automatically everyone else said it. DSDs sat there in silence, it was awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 10:13

@HugeAckmansWife

There isn’t a back story.

I have been a stepmother for 10 years - that’s it.

I don’t know why pps are making out there is some sinister past here.

Oh yes I am a step parent who has the audacity to post on AIBU that’s the thing.

OP posts:
NotADomesticCat · 15/03/2020 10:41

MadameBee how was the situation set up in order for that to be awkward? It soynds like a formal line up or something. In the normal ebb and fliw of conversation it would never be awkward if a few people said thanks, that was lovely, and a few said nothing. Were you playing Lady Muck receiving gratitude and turning expectantly to the next beneficiary of your benevolence and pointedly aiting to be thanked.

The whole situation sounds so artificial and contrived. It was probably awkward all the way through the meal for it to be awkward at the end.

lazylinguist · 15/03/2020 10:46

Being a step-parent is irrelevant (unless the OP expected automatic thank yous from her stepchildren but not her own children). My view would be exactly the same in this situation for a parent or a step-parent.

Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 11:00

Were you playing Lady Muck receiving gratitude and turning expectantly to the next beneficiary of your benevolence and pointedly aiting to be thanked

Yes and then they each, in turn, kissed my hand and bowed to me as the exited.

OP posts:
NotADomesticCat · 15/03/2020 11:04

Ypu think you're being funny, but seriously how else was it awkward unless you pointedly turned to them expecting thanks.

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