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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just say THANK YOU ffs

448 replies

MadameBee · 14/03/2020 19:03

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

OP posts:
lalafafa · 15/03/2020 15:07

have you asked them why they don't?

MzHz · 15/03/2020 22:17

From the smirking it’s not that they lack manners in the first place, it’s that they know they should thank you and don’t do so deliberately, and therefore it’s blatantly rude.

Incidentally my 14 yo ds said thank you for his lunch today and I believe he says it every time actually.

My oh has a dd the same age, last time she stayed the words please and thank you never left her lips, the only comment she did make was a disingenuous one. It was an excruciatingly awful visit

she has not always been like this, but that’s the way she is now. H was appalled.

SomethingBlue22 · 15/03/2020 23:51

I have the same issue and I'm as infuriated by it as you are OP

Original poster
MadameBee · 15/03/2020 23:57

I made them tea before they left tonight and DH said thanks as did DS and DSD2, DSD1 sat there smirking and eventually says it.

She has made a non issue into an issue.

She has lied about breaking her phone - again, which we pay for.

She also argues black is white atm, asked for a 99p body spray yday and picked a £2.99 one and then asked DH to lend her £2 to buy a box of sweets from a discount store today.

DSD2 asked for nothing all weekend which I mentioned to him and he did take her out and bought her a book.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 16/03/2020 00:02

YANBU. My mother used to cook every meal, and my dad, sister and I thanked her every times.

Original poster
MadameBee · 16/03/2020 00:02

DSD1 dare I say it - is also quite overweight and DH lets her have copious amounts of sugary food all weekend (sweets, ice cream, hot chocolate, fizzy drinks). Which pisses me off a lot.

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/03/2020 07:42

Do they ask for something every time? That’s not usual tbh. They don’t have to have something bought every weekend.

I’d also stop buying crap tbh, if it’s not in the house, it’s not so easy to get.

I’d say your h needs to stop buying anything, no sweets, no body spray, nothing and tell her that she’s being intentionally rude and while he isn’t prepared to spend his time with her constantly reminding her not to be rude because it’s his weekend too, he won’t encourage this rudeness by rewarding it. If she wants anything from now on, she needs to behave like everyone else in the house. Or she can stay at her mothers if she’d prefer to be rude.

He has to make sure that this shit is non negotiable

itook8hourssleepforgranted · 16/03/2020 10:28

Well your dh is the problem letting her eat tonnes of shite.

But what's wrong with giving £5? She's hardly asked for much. Why are you being so weird about them asking to 'borrow' £2? You don't actually lend your kids a few pounds and ask for it back?

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 16/03/2020 11:36

We always thank each other! Even if just for a cuppa –it's not formal, more of a "ah lovely, cheers for that". My siblings and I always thanked our parents after meals when we were kids, too. Seems basic manners to me. Actually, thinking about it we thank each other a lot, for cleaning or popping out for milk or whatever. Never occurred to me that it's not the norm. Ah well, we're all meant to be more thankful anyway aren't we Wink

Brefugee · 17/03/2020 08:47

We always thank each other! Even if just for a cuppa –it's not formal, more of a "ah lovely, cheers for that".

Same. I'm quite aghast at the lack of manners described here. I do thank my family if someone has emptied the dishwasher when i go to the kitchen expecting to do it. And every Sunday after my DH has done the ironing (except dresses and blouses) i say thanks because i hate ironing. And he says thanks to me when i bring him a cup of tea or cook or whatever.

I don't actually know what OP expects but I'm guessing it's not a formal curtsey and a hand written thank-you letter. Just a quick, thanks as they take their plates into the kitchen...

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 08:53

I made them tea before they left tonight and DH said thanks as did DS and DSD2, DSD1 sat there smirking and eventually says it.

Well, this is all weird because it sounds as though it's now become an issue. But you've been their stepmother for ten years? Surely 'please' and 'thank you' are just woven into family life - or they're not?

It's more a reflex for us so if someone were to forget I doubt I'd notice.

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 08:54

But what's wrong with giving £5? She's hardly asked for much. Why are you being so weird about them asking to 'borrow' £2? You don't actually lend your kids a few pounds and ask for it back?

It's pretty weird for you to be so involved in something so trivial.

SerenDippitty · 17/03/2020 09:09

I always say thank you to DH if he has cooked and he says it to me if he has. My dad always thanked mum.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 17/03/2020 09:14

My dcs always said thank you for their dinner - was automatic. Same if we took them out for meal. Always asked to get down fron table as well. Adults now but still say thank you if I cook them a meal.

NotADomesticCat · 17/03/2020 09:37

The post ranting about the daughter asking for a £2.99 body spray and to borrow £2 for sweets despite being overweight is very telling Shock

myusernamewastakenbyme · 17/03/2020 09:45

Why do you need to be thanked??

dontdisturbmenow · 17/03/2020 09:46

is also quite overweight and DH lets her have copious amounts of sugary food all weekend (sweets, ice cream, hot chocolate, fizzy drinks). Which pisses me off a lot

Why does it pisses you off? Nothing to do with you. You sound very involved and tske a targetted dislike to the eldest. No surprise she dislike you. She might have ended up saying thank you for the meal but I doubt she felt anything close to thankful. If saying it and not meaning it is fine with you though, it makes it ok.

I think the issues are much deeper though.

Aus84 · 17/03/2020 09:51

2 of my 3 say thank you after dinner. My youngest is 6 so he says it if he hears one of the others say it but often forgets. I didn't teach them that. They picked it up from DH who always says thank you when I cook. It's just good manners. I don't expect it, but I appreciate it.

SerenDippitty · 17/03/2020 09:52

But what's so special about cooking a meal? As said, do you say thank you to your OH each time he cuts the grass? 'Thank you for cutting the grass so that the garden now looks lovely?

Yes I do. And he thanks me for, e.g cleaning the bathroom. I think one of the secrets of a happy marriage is not taking each other for granted.

MrsAJ27 · 17/03/2020 10:12

Your last post has done you no favours and sounds like you actively dislike the child.

SixyearoldSicknote · 17/03/2020 10:26

Yup, usually DH says “thanks love, that was lovely” or something to that effect and the children follow his lead. It’s just common decency.

As for those saying about cutting the grass, cleaning the bathroom etc - yes, we would also make a point of saying we had noticed each other’s efforts. It makes everyone feel appreciated.

motherheroic · 17/03/2020 10:31

You clearly don't like her. Anything she does or doesn't do is going to get on your nerves because again, you clearly don't like her.

Moaning that she wanted £2 for sweets. Pathetic.

MarginalGain · 17/03/2020 10:42

The thanking routine in your house seems to be rather proscribed.

In our family we all sort of murmur various complimentary things to the chef throughout dinner i.e. 'this is lovely' 'you really have a way with lamb' 'how did you make the salad dressing' and so on and then someone is up clearing away a few plates and bringing back coffee or whatever, pouring another glass of wine, generally lingering.

I get the impression that because this is now an issue for you, everyone finishes their dinner by thanking you, and then all eyes are fixed on the one person who doesn't. Have I got that wrong?

Bloodless · 17/03/2020 10:48

I always said / say thank you to my mum when she’s cooked - why wouldn’t you? It’s basic good manners. And my DS does too, I’ve never requested that he does, he just does it

RuggerHug · 17/03/2020 10:55

They're not saying it to try and get a rise out of you. It is bloody rude but next time they try it with an audience and there's a pause make sure you say 'Oh don't mind the girls, they struggle with that particular phrase, but they are working on it. Fingers crossed they have it sorted before they embarrass themselves in public' and move the conversation on.

Their Dad does need to step in and tell them they say thank you sincerely or they're own their own meal wise. Which includes any meals out/birthdays and stuff.

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