Just say THANK YOU ffs

[MadameBee]

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

I am very big on manners and expect my child to say thank you when he is at someone else’s for dinner but me as his mum no I don’t expect it. I’m his mum my job is to look after him which includes to feed him. If I was a Step parent I would also feel the same.
It sounds like you pull them up on their manners a lot other then just what you have mentioned about dinner this is why they don’t do it to you cause they do it to wind you up.
Reading between the lines I would say there is big issues here then just a thank you for dinner...

It was awkward because it was a social situation where everyone said thank you and they made a point of not, there was a natural silence where nothing was said and then the conversation moved on.

My mother remarked on how odd is was to me afterwards. It’s just manners that’s all and social niceities, I wasn’t asking them to go up a chimney for their dinner, it was an expectation that they would automatically say thank you as everyone else at the table had.

All the other backstory and family blend aside in the OP I am amazed at the amount of posters who say they don’t say thank you when they have a meal cooked for them!

How does it go? Does your partner call you in from wherever to a table full of food, you sit down wordlessly, talk about general stuff then again without referring to the food or the fact it was cooked for you just move on to the next thing you do!?! I don’t get it. How is that not rude!? Would you also not say thank you if someone bought you a drink in a pub or gave you a lift or any other action which required effort on their part and was done for you?

My kids have said thank you at every meal since they could talk, I have never not said it to whomever cooked for me & I’d assume anyone who didn’t thank me for a meal was incredibly rude/bought up with no manners (but I don’t think it has ever happened, not even with kids on play dates).

It’s not a class thing either - I’ve got friends and extended family from all sorts of different backgrounds and cultures and seriously can’t think of anyone who would get up and walk away from a table then they have been cooked for and not say thank you. Bloody hope when my kids grow up & settle down they end up with people with basic manners!!

Like many have said, I didn't expect my kids (now young adults) to say thank you for all the things I did for them because I was a parent and it was the normal thing to do. OP mentioned that her kids said thank you AUTOMATICALLY. That doesn't mean they were thankful or particularly appreciative of it, just that they had learned to say it without even thinking. They might have taken it just as much for granted as the SCs are!

My view is that if you are going to resent doing something for someone, then don't do it, rather than continuing doing it and expecting gratitude. They are old enough to start cooking for themselves, so yes, if it is such an issue, do your own sandwiches and let them do theirs, doing so in a pleasant way, rather than a FY attitude.

Thank yous are really for when you do something that is not part of routine. There are much better ways to show appreciation and gratitude for the things others do for you rather than a rehearsed two letters.

I will take my DS coming to me out of the blue, giving me a huge hug, telling me how grateful he is for all the things I do and how he wouldn't wish for another mum once in a blue moon than a quick heartless 'thank you're after every meal.

How does it go?
Well, I cook 4 days a week, OH 3 days, DS one day. We don't systematically say thank you to each other after each meal. We might say that a meal is especially tasty though. We don't because it's our routine.

If however I were to come home late and DS offered to cook that evening, I will say thank you. Or if DH cooks something I know he's not that keen on, but I particularly love, again, I'll say thank you.

I personally hate the words that are said out of habit rather than thought through, and the more you say one thing, the less meaningful they become.

I don't get it either. This is not about saying thank you by rote or without thought. This is about appreciating the effort someone has gone to make a nice meal, it's about not being taken for granted and it's about not being rude. These two are 13 and 15 not 3 and 5, by that age they should understand about these things.

A discussion on manners where the person complaining of lack of manners is the ruddest on the thread. You couldn't make it up

My kids all say thanks for dinner. Every night.

Where on this thread have I been rude?

The only person I know with whom you have to say thank you before you can eat is my MIL. it is also her who controls who gets what.
Funnily she never says thank you when someone else cooks, she just tucks in and get the bigger/better portion for herself.

Op, if you don't want to feed them then don't! Their father can
That indeed. Cooking a family is really nothing that special, so if this service requires a thank you, it should apply to all services.

So do you say thank you to your partner every morning when they make the bed, open the curtains, onload the dishwasher, vaccum the carpet, cut the grass in the garden, plant new plants, clean the windows. Do parents say thank you every time their kids come home with a good grade, take their shoes off before going in the bedroom, take the dog for a walk etc....

Surely if we are expected to say thank you every time we do something for others that we benefit from ourselves, we would be spending our entire day shouting 'thank yous'. Why is cooking a meal more worthy of a thank you than any of the other activities done around the house?

Opening the curtains is a bit less effort than an hour in the kitchen though isn’t it?

Opening the curtains is a bit less effort than an hour in the kitchen though isn’t it?

Not if you add unloading the dishwasher, doing a load of washing/ironing/putting clothes away, cleaning etc.

I would expect a thank you if I helped with homework, made a special meal, decorated a bedroom etc.

Proportionality is lacking in a daily chorus of thank you, for simply putting food in front of someone.

I would much prefer the DSDs to jointly clear away/wash up/load the dishwasher, without being asked. That's a lot more genuine than parroting 'thank you'

Opening the curtains is a bit less effort than an hour in the kitchen though isn’t it?
Are you being asked to spend one hour to cook a meal for teenagers? If so, in all likelihood, you are cooking things they won't like. I can't think of any normal family meal that take that long too cook.

Of course, there is the option of asking your DH to cook something the night before, and only put it in the oven 20 MNS before they are back, I think the motion of opening the freezer and put something in the oven doesn't take much longer than closing the curtains.

If you are doing everything in the house, including stuff like decorating, cutting the grass, emptying bins etc..., whilst working FT, then you need to have a talk with your OH, but don't take it on your dcs.

How is your relationship with them otherwise? Do you get along, like each other, spend fun time together? Do you do anything for/with them except chores?

Well it's rude not to say thankyou, but I expect that now they know it bothers you, they are not changing their behaviour because it's so insiduous and an easy weapon to hurt your feelings and disrespect you while getting away with it. Horrible.

Don't make this the hill you die on, op.

@JasonBrun Good manners NEVER lose their meaning? How on earth can you not say Thankyou after every single time someone cooks you a meal?!? Doesn't matter who it is. That's so bloody rude

But what's so special about cooking a meal? As said, do you say thank you to your OH each time he cuts the grass? 'Thank you for cutting the grass so that the garden now looks lovely? I expect very few wives do so, yet they expect an ovation for cooking a meal. I don't get it, these are just the things you do as part of every day life as a family.

Don't you think it's normal to say thanks when someone passes you a plate of food? I don't think the OP wanted a standing ovation, just a bit of civility.

There's a difference between a quick thanks when someone does something to help you, and having to declare a thank you for the lovely meal before or after.

Saying that, I would distinguish a meal cooked solely for the kids and husband, which OP didn't eat, together or a separate time and she cooked something they particularly liked. In this instance, yes I would think a thank you was totally appropriate Different to just cooking the normal evening meal that OP gets to eat too.

A standing ovation would be fantastic - I will suggest it

I don't expect my kids to say thank you.
However, they do have to clear the table and load the dishwasher!

Yes tbh they should say thank you and be appreciative for everything you do regardless of whether or not you are related but then again I wouldn’t expect a teenager to say thanks because I know they don’t really think about it.

That aside, I do agree with what you are saying OP. They should learn basic manners.