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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to the day do AIBU

372 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 17:50

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 11/03/2020 18:51

Please don’t pay because you’re too nice to back out
They’re very bad friends

GlitterMagicPompom · 11/03/2020 18:52

OP I am so sorry that you are upset. Lease use he money for something for you! Please don’t pay towards this wedding, especially as you have decided t walk away from the friendship as per your last post.

NONONONONNO · 11/03/2020 18:52

oh don't be offended you say they are struggling with cost.. go to evening event.
Just forget about what the gift was you got from them a gift is a gift. I bet they do appreciate your kindness. They are probably having a really difficult time managing cost, what family members getting on and everything else that goes with planning a wedding... You are clearly a kind and generous friend appreciate yourself, go and enjoy the evenings celebrations.

MauriceandAlec · 11/03/2020 18:53

Wow! You're a bigger person than I am. I wouldn't pay for the rest. But definitely wouldn't go to the evening. They're being real arseholes.

redwinefine · 11/03/2020 18:53

Are you joking? How utterly wet. It must be nice having £600 to throw at a floundering friendship!! Grow a backbone, cancel the cheque or whatever and use that money for something lovely for you and your DH

Ellisandra · 11/03/2020 18:54

That is not a solution. You need to stand up for yourself. Are you going to apologise when she gets the arse with you for letting her down? Because - her terrible behaviour and the present aside - if you genuinely double booked a birthday trip like that, YWBU!!!

Ellisandra · 11/03/2020 18:54

If you must pay, at least stand up for yourself and decline the evening directly, and tell her why.

CalmdownJanet · 11/03/2020 18:55

600 fucking pounds and you aren't worth the price of a dinner?? Give your head a fecking wobble and text
"Hi, got the invite, it's lovely. I was paying for x as a gift as I thought we were good friends and that we were guests at the full day, and while it was way more than I would usually gift I was happy to do it but it seems I was wrong on both counts as we aren't invited to the full do and you obviously don't consider me as good a friend. Paying for x is now a non runner, it's just too much for an evening do. Dh and I are going to head away for the weekend now we have more free time that weekend. I wish you both all the best"

Like it really doesn't matter what you text, who gives a shit, it's not like you are going to be friends after this really

Clangus00 · 11/03/2020 18:55

Don’t dare pay! That’s just outrageous!!

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 11/03/2020 18:55

OP, your husband is actually going to book a holiday and take you away isn't he, and not just going to say he did? Your friend comes across here as a CF; given the info provided here, I'd def be thinking whether to spend the money on their wedding transport or my birthday holiday. Give her a call.

Original poster
Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 18:55

Thank you all, I feel really wobbly about backing out of something I’ve offered. But you all seem really positive it’s not just me being unreasonable.

My I’ll health is a chronic long-term eventually terminal one and I’ve just unfortunately come out of remission which is why I’ve been ill for so long the stress of this isn’t going to help, especially as whilst I’m ill I can’t work and as I work in care I don’t get paid when off sick and can’t go into work in case I ‘catch’ anything so I could plead poverty, but I think if I’m going to cry off paying I’d have to say exactly why because again I’d worry.

But I guess the friendship is over anyway isn’t it? Sorry I sound like a right feeble mess don’t I? #getsomeballs

OP posts:
Kab30 · 11/03/2020 18:55

Don't you dare pay .....enjoy your hols xx

GoodDogBellaBoo · 11/03/2020 18:56

Do NOT pay. That may be the kind of person you WERE, but after this..it’s not the kind of person you are anymore. Spend it on your own birthday, with your own DH. I’m angry on your behalf.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/03/2020 18:56

I'd be cancelling the present because life is too short to maintain such an unbalanced friendship.

What have you got to lose?

itsgoodtobehome · 11/03/2020 18:56

This is terrible behaviour from the bride. When I was getting married, one of the admin team at work helped me with a load of formatting and printing for the information inserts with the invitations - you know, where you put info about accommodation, taxis etc. Anyway, just for helping with that I invited her and her partner to the wedding even though we weren’t particularly close! Your friend is a cf of the highest order.

NorthEndGal · 11/03/2020 18:56

If they truly are friends to your mind, why wouldn't you talk to them about it, rather the spend 600 to end the friendship?

DreamingofSummer · 11/03/2020 18:56

Fuck that and fuck them. Cancel the cheque and turn down the invitation. When they ask why - tell them then walk away from the friendship which obviously means more to you than the CFs.

BowiesJumper · 11/03/2020 18:57

Why the hell would you pay? It was a promise you made under different circumstances (thinking you were closer). I’d have no qualms in saying you’re disappointed, especially as you’re paying a huge amount of money towards their transport.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 11/03/2020 18:58

I would want to know more. Is there a reason why you weren't invited to the evening do? Call her out on it (in a nice way if possible) because her reasoning may help through this.
"Just a bit surprised that I haven't been invited to the evening do?" You can afford to be a bit blunt though as you seem to be on the verge of walking out of this relationship.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 11/03/2020 18:59

And yes, the friendship is over anyway so it doesn’t matter. Spend it on a memorable stressfree holiday for you and you DH. You deserve it and since you are ill it is all that matters to you right now.

Morgan12 · 11/03/2020 18:59

Don't pay ffs! Are you mental!

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/03/2020 18:59

I've just seen your update.

Your head will be held a lot higher if you cancel. Spend anything you save on a holiday.

Cb2018 · 11/03/2020 19:00

You definitely need to stand up for yourself! She obviously doesn’t regard your friendship as that important if you weren’t invited to the day. Even if was to do with numbers/family etc if you were close friends then she would have contacted you to let you know before sending the invite.

I would send a text along the lines of...
‘Hey B&G, I’m sorry to have to tell you that I can no longer offer the gift I said I would. Also, DH has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday for my birthday and it falls on your wedding day so unfortunately I’m going to have to decline the invitation. I hope you have an amazing day and have a long and happy life together’

Then leave it there. There doesn’t need to be any contact after that. If she contacts you then ignore them. You sound like you are a very good friend, but it sounds like this friendship is already over. Don’t be £600 out of pocket too.

britinnyc · 11/03/2020 19:00

I'd go all out on this one, retract the offer and call them out on their outrageous behavior. You don't want to be friends with them after this so who cares if you upset them. They need to know exactly what shitty behavior this is and I'd tell everyone else that you know in common too. YOu don't deserve to be taken advantage of like this!

SudokuQueen · 11/03/2020 19:01

Grow a spine op. Do not pay for that gift.

If you do however, can you give me £600 too? I've had a tough life just like your friend. You can come to the evening do as well. Grin

You've got to realise how stupid it is by now right?