Not invited to the day do AIBU

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

Dear exfriend
Thank you for my evening only invitation. I have realised you don't see me as as much of a friend as I though when I offered to pay for the helicopter. Given this and my health issues, I feel there are better things I can spend the £600 on. I'm sorry I will not be able to attend any part of the wedding. I hope you have a great day.
MumofYoung

whilst I’m ill I can’t work and as I work in care I don’t get paid when off sick and can’t go into work in case I ‘catch’ anything so I could plead poverty

Do this. Please don't spend money you've saved up on ungrateful fuckers when you're ill and can't work. That's madness. Hope you feel better soon.

Definitely do not pay! Spend the money on a lovely holiday for you and your husband instead! If she was any kind of friend she wouldn't do that.

‘Dearest B& G, as you know I have been very unwell recently. I have been advised by my doctors to get away for a short break of unrivalled pleasure to boost my wellbeing & recovery,

I know that my health, wellbeing & happiness is very important to you, so you will understand & decline my offer to pay for the Hoss & Carridge so that I can book this therapeutic break.

As I will not be free I must sadly decline your kind invitation.

Do you have any idea of the capacity of the day bit? If you know where, I am sure you can look it up online. It might shed some light on why you are not invited but I still think it is despicable behaviour.

Ooh is there a way you could check that it wasn't the CB being nasty unbeknownst to the bride before ditching the friendship since she has form for it? I suspect underhandedness!!

sorry for the lack of punctuation...

Oh my goodness. I can only reiterate what others have said and urge you to back away from this.... the suggestion a pp made about telling her your financial situation has changed due to you being ill is a good one if you really feel unable to be straight about feeling hurt.

Please spend that money on yourself or, if that feels impossible (you mentioned it not being 'your way' to backtrack) why don't you make a generous donation to a charity you hold dear? Then you'd know your hard saved cash had made a real difference to a genuinely deserving cause instead of it being wasted upon a so called friend and ingrate. I think the 'friendship' is dead in the water now and understandably that will sting for a while but I suspect it'll get to you even more if you have to think of them enjoying your gift to boot.

I've just read your update about your health OP, as you sadly know, life is short. That's it now, Only focus on the people and things that make you happy! Fuck her! Do not pay!!!!

It feels like she's taking advantage of you during an especially vulnerable time. Agree with other commenters - unfortunately due to you being out of work, you won't be able to foot the bill. Keep it polite and don't act like it's out of spite and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Do NOT pay! Just decline the invitation as you are away that weekend and then make sure you are.

Surely they won't be so cheeky that they'll say "are you still paying for x".

At which point you'll say "well no I'm not because I wasn't invited to the wedding". Which you aren't.

Oh wow that's a bit cheeky.
The only acceptable scenario I can think of is she only added up costs after you agreed to pay and realised they really couldn't invite anyone bar first degree family, but I take it that's not the case?
May I ask what sort of thing you're paying for? I know you cant say specifically but is it food, entertainment etc.
Its awkward as you cant really rescind the offer, I guess I would get in touch and say you'll be disappointed not to see your gift in action. Maybe that will jolt some sense into her, but you're right to be disappointed.
I'm getting married this year and I certainly dont expect gifts from evening attendees is this the norm?!?!
Hope it gets resolved

This is horrendous. Take the good advice that has been offered. Also make it clear that it was hurtful to be excluded from the other events..... Wishing you a lovely holiday.

While, in theory you should not go ahead with the gift, consider how the stress of that will affect you.

It's easy for posters on here to say, but I've had a serious illness in which i couldn't cope with upset and you need to be careful.

But check that the Bride is aware of the evening only invite.

If you realise the friendship isn’t what you thought then you may as well have the £600 in your pocket as you walk away. Then you’ll have your head held high.

This has got to be one of the most appallingly rude things I have ever read on here. How do people do it?
You are going through an agonisingly tough time and this woman has shown her true colours in a disgusting way. There is nothing she can do to 'fix' this now, the friendship has changed and there's no going back.
I think you can still be polite and dignified but let her know in no uncertain terms that you will no longer be offering such a generous gift to someone who doesn't value you enough to be a part of their wedding day, and you are also therefore declining the evening invitation.
You sound like a lovely friend and do not deserve this.

How about declining the invitation saying you have double booked but say that you are happy to give them the deposit as a present. Give them the info and they can choose to pay the balance or not

I think I would say something like ' Hi (friend) thanks for the invitation. Re my original offer, that was more of an invitation to the whole event level of gift. .. I wouldn't tend to go to that sort of level for an evening only wedding invite. ' and end with a cheery Sorry!

DO NOT PAY

The friendship is over regardless so spend the £600 on yourself.

It was a ridiculous amount to offer and I don’t know how they could accept it in the first place, I’d be ashamed to accept such a gift from a friend especially if I didn’t consider them close enough to invite to the whole day.

Your friends are rude as fck and I would not be paying for the item now if I was you. Theyre being gift grabby and entitled and downright offensive doing this. If they didnt want to invite you to the wedding thats absolutely fine but they should have graciously declined your expensive gift. To accept an expensive gift and not even invite you to the wedding? - total lack of decency and manners.

Regardless of what you decide to do (go/not go, pay/not pay), you can be honest with them and have your heads held high, ie, that it is hurtful that they would happily accept your offer of a generous gift, in the knowledge of your health and work circumstance, when they don’t consider you a close enough friend to invite you to the ceremony

Omg OP please DO NOT PAY you have just told us you’re not able to work so missing on income, that’s the perfect reason to back out of paying! You can’t miss out on £600 like that! My blood pressure is off the charts reading this

Just decline the invitation and then block them and cancel any commitments. End of.

I like SentimentalKiller’s idea:
How about declining the invitation saying you have double booked but say that you are happy to give them the deposit as a present. Give them the info and they can choose to pay the balance or not

How much was the deposit? If they kick off as it is not what was originally offered, you can point out just how abysmally rude they have been.

I do understand that you feel awkward about backing out of a promised gift but her level of CFery in not inviting you to the whole day and witness the fire engine with her in it arriving at the church really would make it absurd for you to pay that, especially as you don't plan to be there at all and therefore the friendship is over.
Have a think about what you want to say and how hope some of the responses here have given you some ideas. Good luck!