Not invited to the day do AIBU

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

Wow absolutely cheeky bastards - I'd contact them and ask why your money is good enough to accept for the daytime present but your presence isn't

And this is absolutely one of the times I don't think you should pussy foot around the issue and simply ask a forum for advice - actually do something about it their behaviour is rude in the extreme

Very rude of the bride and groom to accept such an expensive gift and only send an evening gift in return. I would definitely refuse the invite and withdraw my offer of the gift (if it’s not too late for you to cancel).

Okay, give your update, they're CFers.

Decline, withdraw the offer. They have most definitely thrown your kindness back at you and see you a soft touch.

Sorry OP. It must hurt.

£600 , I’d only expect a very close relative to offer help with a cost like that! If you haven’t already paid for it I’d personally cancel it and tell them you can’t afford it anymore but that you’re looking forward to the party.

If you’re not good enough for a daytime invitation then they’re not worth the £600 gift.

@Undomesticgodde55 now we know it’s transport costing in the region of £600 are you really saying you would accept that gift knowing that you were not extending an invite to the ceremony. Surely anyone with any decency would absolutely not accept this unless you’re a greedy and entitled person. Shockingly rude.

Gosh. I think you need to invite your friend (bride?) over for coffee and ask. I think it is rude to have accepted a clear day gift and not even give you the pleasure of seeing it in real life. (And that would be my view if it was cake, flowers, dress etc).

It sounds an amazing gift and thoughtful. But do you think they were embarrassed? at my wedding years ago we invited a few closer colleagues from work - tended to see them for meals out, rather than days out, holidays etc. Really like them - so all day invite. One of the colleagues gave us £500. We didnt know what to do. It was a cheque so the choice was to either cash or not cash. We felt it could really upset (or offend) if we turned it down. But it was too much for the friendship. Which is no longer in place 20 years on.

They are cheeky fuckers.
You're good enough to give them a massive amount of money. But not good enough for them to buy you a meal.

Tbh though, you can see them get into their transport without having to have been at the ceremony beforehand. Assuming it's a pony and trap type situation - maybe they think you'll just stand outside the church and see them off to the reception?

Still a bit cheeky though. You have to say something, although I am damned if I know how you raise it. How about 'just sorry I won't be seeing you use my gift...' or something, see what they say?

Yanbu!! How are you related to them?

Withdraw your offer and don't change your mind even if they capitulate and invite you to the day do! If they regarded you as highly as you regard them they wouldn't have economised on your invite.

Wow that's beyond rude!! Having said that it's an absurd amount to spend on someone else's wedding! I would take a step back and reevaluate your friendship because I don't think it means half as much to her as it does to you!

Famousforthewrongreasons. You may have a point there, the CB is an older friend known since children and I’ve only known since our children were at school together. I have noticed some resentment when I’ve done stuff with friend and she’s not been included but that was at friends request not mine and when we’ve done stuff as a group she’s been trying to exclude me, but I thought it was me being over sensitive or imagining it..

I offered because I know what it’s like to want a special day and not get it. We’ve both been through a lot in our lives one way or another. With health issues etc and we’ve supported each other through them. I honestly thought that helping her have her dream day would be something a good friend would do. But I also thought a good friend would get a better invite than the evening do only.

I’m trying so hard not to be bitter but I’m not doing very well.

Wow they have some neck taking that much of a gift and only giving you an evening invite...

Is there much of an age difference between you? I ask because maybe she sees you as some sort of "aunt/friend" but not that close of a friend...

If I were you I'd try get out of paying for it... absolutely no way cod I take that kind of gift from someone and not give them a full invite. Jesus I felt guilty because a neighbour of my mams sent a gift over (candle holder) the day of my wedding and I'd never thought to stick an evening do invite in the post for them.

Would I fuck pay for it. I’d tell them to do one and shove their invite too.

I feel they were wrong not to have a place for you during the day as you are paying a large-ish contribution to their wedding.

There's nothing that you can do. You consider them closer friends than they do you, unless it's a, very small day time wedding party.

How do you get on with the Groom's side? Who is paying for the rest of the wedding?.

I'm wondering if the Bride had no choice on this.

That's really not nice
I would probably still pay because I would not want to come down to their level
I (secretly) disagree with evening guests

The wedding's in August. They've got plenty of time to shaft some other poor 'friend' sort out another way of getting between venues.

It's a crystal clear one, OP. They've shown you their true colors - don't be taken for a mug.

I would reply " Dear B and G , thank you for the evening invite, I would love to attend. By the way I am glad you managed to arrange alternative transport to what I offered you!"

Outrageous. CFs indeed. Happy to take the cash but unwilling to offer a bit of hospitality.
Please cancel, tell them you can no longer afford the transport and buy them a bloody toaster.

I’m sorry but I’d be contacting the bride and saying that you unfortunately can no longer pay for the transport , put the deposit down to experience and in future pick your friends more carefully . It’s really shitty behaviour from the bride and groom .

Please don't let them get away with this behaviour. I'm shocked on your behalf.

Ah bless you OP. You are a lovely friend. I only asked because I was recently involved in a wedding where something quite similar happened in terms of excluding someone and I wasn’t close to any of the group but I overheard a conversation in the toilet which made me realise that somebody’s been duplicitous.
I really hope you get it sorted with the minimum of hurt to you.

I might start with a jokey text though, just in case it is a mistake - I’d possibly say ‘oi, you sent me the wrong invite... I hope!!!’

That's a good idea. Say how you're looking forward to seeing them set off in their ostrich-drawn chariot (or whatever). And maybe ask if there's been a mistake, as you'd originally accepted their invitation to X pre-wedding events but didn't find out the date till you saw the pictures on Facebook.

You must have felt you are very close to them to have made such a generous offer, so I can imagine you'd feel upset not to have been invited to the day time do anyway.
But to have accepted your offer and then not invite you in very cruel.

It is hard to know how to respond though.
I think you need to be as honest as possible about your feelings and then resign yourself to their response e.g. they care enough about you to put it right, or they don't care that much and the relationship is over and you'll be very hurt and have to come to terms with that.

Maybe say something like:

Hi B and G, I received the invite for your wedding today. I am feeling quite upset and disappointed that I haven't been invited to the ceremony and day celebrations, as I had wanted to see you enjoying the gift I offered for the day. From Mumofyoungteenagres

The see how they respond to the fact you are upset.

If they don't show they care and want to put things right with you then you just don't pay the balance for the gift, they'd have to the the biggest CF ever to come and directly ask once you've pointed out how upset you've been.

The only mitigating factor in their defense could be if they are only inviting parents and siblings and keeping the ceremony very small and the evening maybe is the main 'do'?