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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to the day do AIBU

372 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 17:50

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 11/03/2020 22:11

Good grief! That's a large sum of money to gift them, and shows that they must mean a lot to you, and how kind of you to offer.

You should most definitely have received an invitation to the actual wedding, especially as your gift is a part of that and not the nighttime celebration. I cannot believe they could be so rude to not invite you.

I will be interested to see an update on the response to your text. Having read the update on your health I really would have been inclined to retract my offer, go with your husband's suggestion, and miss the entire wedding. For a couple to accept such a generous offer and yet not think you important enough to invite to the wedding tells me so much about them, and I would not wish to continue with a friendship like that. They do not deserve a good friend like you. Flowers

LoobyLou1976 · 11/03/2020 22:12

How far along in the process were you of booking their transport? Were there any discussions about specific cars etc, did you and she get together to arrange details? Just wondering if maybe she thought it was a throw-away comment and didn't take you seriously, and has gone ahead and arranged/paid for her own transport? Just sounds so awful otherwise! Can it be that it's all a huge misunderstanding?

Thisismytimetoshine · 11/03/2020 22:15

How exactly are you waiting for the bill to come in, op. Did you tell her to organise this “thing” herself and send you the bill?

DirtyStinkinBass · 11/03/2020 22:17

OP I am shocked, what a CF!!!!!!

Spend the money on yourseLF and DH!

WinterCat · 11/03/2020 22:19

I love your text! Grin

Please don’t pay the £600 unless you are going to the day event. Spend it on an even better birthday celebration or present for yourself.

BunnytheBee · 11/03/2020 22:23

Your text was great OP

Those saying it should have been worded differently remember we are all different and most of agreed OP should have said something, so that’s what she did, using her own words and personality...

I hope you get the reply you want

If they don’t say it was an error then do not pay the £600

Onemorehitandillcrumble · 11/03/2020 22:25

Sorry I'm being thick here but I don't understand your reply. It reads to me that you are still expecting to pay for the transport and you are passively aggressively accepting a full day invitation. Is that your plan?

^Also you will be down £600, have a grudging invite to the whole day and not go away with DH for your birthday. I think I would have just declined the evening invite and told them as I had been ill and off work I could no longer afford such an extravagant gift.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/03/2020 22:25

OP you need to be prepared for the fact she’ll stick to the evening invite - and if so, you must retract your offer to pay a fuck of a lot of money to someone who does not value you.

So have a text response ready.

‘Oh what a shame. Ok. Under the circumstances I won’t be paying for the dragon-drawn feathered chariot. I’m sure you understand. Have a lovely day.’

CalleighDoodle · 11/03/2020 22:27

Id be showing up to the evening do in whatever mode of transport it is Grin

womenspeakout · 11/03/2020 22:27

If you haven't paid for it, don't.

She obviously excluded you from some pre wedding things from your first post, so don't feel any guilt, because you've been unwell is no reason to be treated like this.

Imok · 11/03/2020 22:27

Wow! I cannot imagine thinking it in any way reasonable to accept a gift of that value from someone who is it either a close family member, godparent or lifelong friend. And there is no way that it is acceptable to take that amount of money and then offer a second rate invitation. To be honest, the fact that you haven't received an immediate response to the effect that, 'of course you are invited to the day', suggests to me that the couple of now panicking as the invitation is not a mistake and they are worried you might withdraw your incredibly generous offer. And, as others have already said, I would withdraw that offer, send a card, maybe a much smaller, token amount (£50 ish) and withdraw from the friendship. This is beyond cheeky of them, is actually greedy and selfish of them.

Cherrysoup · 11/03/2020 22:28

Please don’t pay for the carriage. She clearly doesn’t value enough to even check how you are.

PondLover · 11/03/2020 22:31

I think I agree with @FlyingByToo. It was an insanely over-generous offer you made, out of some possibly entirely misguided sense of generosity, and I can’t see from anything that you said in your posts that your relationship with the couple merits anything of the kind —especially from your rather passive-aggressive message to the bridesmaid, it sounds as if you’re not actually talking to the bride and groom at all?

Are you sure they have actually accepted the offer? How did you originally make it — was it face to face, or in writing? How did they respond? Because if it was ‘Oh, gosh, that’s terribly generous, but we couldn’t possibly accept etc etc’, are you sure there isn’t a big misunderstanding about it all?

MadeForThis · 11/03/2020 22:34

I'd still be tempted to pull out of the offer. She should never have said yes. Surely she is aware of your health/financial situation.

nanbread · 11/03/2020 22:34

I thought your text was fine, although it doesn't read like the text a good friend would send to another... Are you really that close?

Invite or not, I think it was lovely but COMPLETELY ridiculous for you to offer to pay for this. If you were rolling in it fair enough but you've had to save up to pay for it, what on earth were you thinking! It's very sweet but also totally inappropriate.

Gigiweegie · 11/03/2020 22:35

BunnytheBee I get what you’re saying I think the ones (me included) saying she should’ve sent a different text just think she will get more hurt by sending what she has and being strung along in order to get the transport or even told that she’s not as good a friend as she thought. It would be horrible not knowing if you were just getting the invitation out of pity or so they can still have their transport and be talking about OP behind her back. We’re not being unkind.

Winterlife · 11/03/2020 22:37

I also think you should rescind the offer. Don't pay a cent. She hasn't shown to be a person who deserves such a gift. Spend the money on your teens, instead.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 11/03/2020 22:41

Absolutely amazed by the cheek of this bride. I can only echo what everyone else has said and implore you not to spend £600 on this woman who clearly doesn’t value your friendship enough to give you a full day invite or even care that you might be upset by her shocking behaviour. She shouldn’t have accepted such an expensive gift if she knew she was going to treat you so shabbily. People like this need to be told straight. Don’t cough up the cash in some misguided sense of honour as she clearly doesn’t give a toss about you. Please spend it on yourself and have a lovely time somewhere with your partner.

365calendar · 11/03/2020 22:42

She knows how ill you were and yet she has still done this to you....SadFlowers

Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 22:42

As this post was getting bogged down I’ve created a “Dragon pulled Golden carriage available in August” post that gives the result of my Text. Sad

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 11/03/2020 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalleighDoodle · 11/03/2020 22:45

Can’t find the new thread

Thisismytimetoshine · 11/03/2020 22:48

Why on earth have you created a new thread to showcase the response to your text, op? Hmm.
It’s almost like you’re expecting the drama to run and run...

FrivolousPancake · 11/03/2020 22:54

This is so cringey. Please stop pandering and basically offering to pay to be invited

Pieceofpurplesky · 11/03/2020 23:04

CF

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