Not invited to the day do AIBU

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

Yes, I think it’s fine. I’d assume they don’t want your item anymore & have found an alternative source.

I was all gearing up for a YABU as I generally fall in the “their wedding, their way” side of the fence. But that’s a total pisstake! Where are you with paying? If you can save money, just go quiet - like they have in their messages.

Or, if you’re committed now, bring it with you when you arrive. Be that flowers, or the cake 🤣
If they ask you in the run up about drop off arrangements, just shoot back a breezy, “oh I’ll bring it in person” and see if they make the connection

Only excuse I can think... is it expensive to you, but still just in the realms of what an evening guest would spend on a gift? So for example, if I were spending £20 on a guest book I wouldn’t expect “special treatment”, but £300 on a cake I bloody would!

That’s very rude. Unless you’re going to drip feed that you insisted on buying them something they didn’t really want or need.

If they didn’t see you as being a daytime invite guest they shouldn’t have accepted your offer of financial help for the wedding.

Seeing as you’ve been ‘unincluded’ from a few things since, could it be that they’ve taken offence or have felt uneasy about something’s that happened in the meantime?

Another thought: if you offered to do this right at the beginning of the arrangements, could it be they hadn’t yet worked out costs and places and then didn’t want to make a big point of turning down the gift and seeming ungrateful once they’d done their working out and realised you’d be evening only invite?

Without outing too much, I’m paying for the transport for the bride, bridesmaids, and groom (afterwards) it’s a bit of an unusual mode of transport but it is a thing I knew she always wanted and was really upset that she simply couldn’t afford it. It will cost around £600. I can afford it as I’ve been saving since she got engaged it’s not an amount I’d normally have though.

I love the suggestion by ellissandra but I guess it isn't practicable now I've read your latest post

Blimey OP £600 is a lot of money.

In that case I would definitely message them. How about starting with

'Dear Bride and Groom,

Thank you for the invitation to the evening reception for your wedding. I am disappointed that I will not get to see you (ride on horse etc) after the ceremony. I'm sure you appreciate this is a big cost to me and I was hoping to be able to see you all enjoy it.

Regards OP

Can you cancel and only lose a deposit? Better £100 lost than £600.

Frankly, a grown up shouldn’t be “upset” that they can’t afford a particular vehicle. They should get over it, or they should save more, or for longer, before the wedding.

Tbh, I think you were crazy to gift that - and I think she was taking the absolute piss in accepting.

I would withdraw the offer - and tell her why.
I would be prepared to lose a friendship over that.

600 big ones? Saving since she got engaged?! She clearly means a lot to you. To have left you out of recent events is terrible, is it vaguely possible that her chief bridesmaid has arranged everything and excluded you for some reason and possibly bullshitted to the bride?
Either way, I’d contact her and say you notice you haven’t been invited to key events and are now only invited to the evening do , ergo now presume that she no longer requires your very expensive gift of travel.

Wow! That’s a massive amount to save and spend on them. If they didn’t intend on inviting you to the main do they shouldn’t have accepted that sort of gift from you.

Family take priority

I don’t think they necessarily do. I’d prioritise close and supportive friends over an aunt or cousin that I rarely see.

It's outrageous not to invite you when you're being so generous!

£600!? No, please don't pay it. You deserve better.

How do you know bride and groom?

Wow! That's a huge amount of money. I'd ask her what's up. And wonder if you are as important to her as she is to you. I'm sorry. This must sting.

Are you a relation OP, either that or you are a very very nice friend...... Totally smacks of CFery and in this instance I would be saying so.

OP, is it the cake? If it's a wedding cake, it 's probably not as outing as you think

In all honesty, without knowing more about your relationship with them and shared experiences etc. it's hard to say. I'm mostly in agreement that it's poor behavior on their part, but if I've offered a gift, I'd personally probably deliver on it, purely because it's not a transactional thing. And then ditch them

Ok fair enough I take back my YABU. £600 is a lot of money for a gift for an evening party. Thanks for the update OP.

@Bobbybobbins too passive I think! I wouldn’t say I was disappointed not to see her - I would say, “why are you not inviting me to see you?”

Unless the venue is tiny and family only and OP knew that before offering £600 then this couple are taking the piss.

argh! cross post with everyone

It is horrendously inappropriate of the B&G to accept such a gift and not invite the giver to the day time.

I would have to say something / retract the gift.

I might start with a jokey text though, just in case it is a mistake - I’d possibly say ‘oi, you sent me the wrong invite... I hope!!!’

I'm guessing she's your goddaughter?

Is your friendship a bit one-sided?

It's a bit much to pay £600 out on a gift.

In the nicest possible way are you buying their friendship?

OP - is this connected to your job? E.g. you're a florist doing the flowers? Do they just think that florists don't normally attend the wedding and they are being kind inviting you to the evening?

Either they are being very grabby or have changed their mind about accepting the gift and are hoping you'll drop out rather than having to tell you they don't want it. Either way you think more of your relationship than they do. I'd be scaling back the gift and seriously think about whether to go for the evening.

Crikey op, I just got married and if somebody very generously offered to pay that amount for a gift there's no way I'd accept if they weren't important enough to have there the whole day!!!

She's a very cheeky fucker indeed and has let you know how much she thinks of you.