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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not invited to the day do AIBU

372 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 17:50

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Hanab · 11/03/2020 18:40

I am angry on your behalf!

Have a discussion with your friend about her absolute cheek! £609 is a heck lot of money for anyone! If she can take this gift without the decency to invite you to the entire function she is NO friend! A CF yes!!

Hanab · 11/03/2020 18:41

£600🙈

rayoflightboy · 11/03/2020 18:41

Just when you think you have seen it all.

I think you will have to say something,otherwise it will always be there.
I think its disgusting behaviour to take £600 off someone and not invite them for the full day.

Plus as easy as it is to try and blame CB,your df is the one that sent out the invite.So the buck stops with them.

RedRed9 · 11/03/2020 18:41

Wow, that’s really harsh.

What are you going to do?

Abracad · 11/03/2020 18:42

You have to say something. It will destroy the friendship if they don’t correct this, in which case there is no point in paying anyway.

Mumofyoungteenagers · 11/03/2020 18:42

Hubs has come up with a solution of sorts.

I’m going to pay because I’ve already offered and I can’t go back on that it’s just my way. But the wedding is 2 days after my birthday so he’s going to ‘book a holiday for us for my birthday’ and ‘oh no darling I totally forgot about (names) wedding. I’m so sorry you’ll have to decline I’ve already paid.’

Then I’ll quietly walk away from what wasn’t the friendship I thought it was with head held high. (Hopefully)

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 11/03/2020 18:42

How rude and grubby.
Personally I'd message them:

"As you know I've been quite poorly and as a result I'm no longer able to fund the transport gift as I'd wanted to - I'm so sorry to cause any disappointment but I trust you understand the impact my illness has had on my situation. I'm sure it will be an amazing day however you get there lots if love, OP"

happytoday73 · 11/03/2020 18:43

Please please please do not be polite and reserved about this. It will eat you up....

'sorry to say I can't make your evening invitation. I wish you a fabulous wedding day and a long happy marriage full of joy. I'm very disappointed not to see it or be able to gift you xyz'

Fiveletters · 11/03/2020 18:44

I’d struggle to pay in this situation! I’d be very resentful.

EndlessUserName · 11/03/2020 18:44

£600? That's crazy. You said you couldn't normally afford that? Please don't pay for this

CrotchetyQuaver · 11/03/2020 18:45

I think @famousforwrongreason suggested reply is spot on.
Very rude of them in the circumstances, i think it would be very reasonable in the circumstances for you to withdraw your offer to pay for the post wedding transport. Jeez some people are just unbelievable

ShirleyPhallus · 11/03/2020 18:46

I find it really bizarre that people can’t just talk to one another about this stuff

You are entirely assuming she hasn’t made a mistake and would rather book a weekend away and miss her wedding than just talk to her?

Undomesticgodde55 · 11/03/2020 18:46

@cacaca if you read my last update I retracted the YABU. No I don't think it's acceptable to accept a £600 gift.

MrsCollinssettled · 11/03/2020 18:46

I'd be spending the £600 on your holiday and walk away from the CFs.

probablysue · 11/03/2020 18:47

Do not pay! Just don’t. They are taking the piss. This friendship is over anyway so you may as well take a stand and show them you aren’t a walkover. Do it. Come on. Grow some balls. Message “Hi! Just got your wedding invite. Just checking that I am only invited to the evening bit? Is that right? I’m guessing you don’t want the transport gift then as that’s a gift for the day? I’m a bit confused to be honest” then wait and see what she replies and post the reply back on here.

annamie · 11/03/2020 18:47

Don’t buy the thing, fuck them. Plead poverty.

MrsCollinssettled · 11/03/2020 18:48

Tell them the deposit is their wedding gift and walk away.

strawberry2017 · 11/03/2020 18:48

Just because you offered doesn't mean you have to pay. Walk away and put the £600 towards something you actually want.
Otherwise you will be seen as a mug by everyone they tell.
You have no reason to give the money and they clearly aren't friends, just send a decline card to the wedding and cut your ties now.
Please don't give them the money under any circumstances x

rayoflightboy · 11/03/2020 18:49

"As you know I've been quite poorly and as a result I'm no longer able to fund the transport gift as I'd wanted to - I'm so sorry to cause any disappointment but I trust you understand the impact my illness has had on my situation. I'm sure it will be an amazing day however you get there lots if love, OP"

@Mumofyoungteenagers please do this^^

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 11/03/2020 18:49

@Mumofyoungteenagers

How is that a solution??? That's a cop out

For gods sake stand up for yourself

happytoday73 · 11/03/2020 18:49

I'm sorry OP but are you really going to pay £600 just to save face with people who dont care enough to invite you to their day!

Seriously?
I would normally agree a promise is a promise but this is a lot and you had to save it... Please consider spending it on your birthday holiday instead...

Franticterrapin · 11/03/2020 18:49

OMG please don't pay. She is being incredibly rude and downright mean. You sound like such a good friend and she's a bloody cow!

Liverbird77 · 11/03/2020 18:50

You're right:it is their day and they can invite who they want.
Having said that, in your shoes I would be very upset. It was terribly wrong of them to accept a substantial gift, only to exclude you from the day. They should not have accepted it.
I would not be paying for it. Hope you feel better now by the way.

Greenkit · 11/03/2020 18:50

FGS dont pay this money, the 'friendship' is dead in the water, they are cheeky Fuckers. Let them pay or book something less extravagant.

Use the money for a fabulous holiday with your DH and enjoy yourself in the sun x

Toria70 · 11/03/2020 18:51

Only a complete and utter doormat would still pay after that.