He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

www.bmwgroup.jobs/gb/en/opportunities/apprentice.html#jobType=APPRENTICESHIP&&location=GB,GB/Farnborough,GB/Goodwood,GB/Oxfordshire,GB/Swindon,GB/OTHER

Vanishingly rare... 😆

You've posted before.

Get. A. Job.

Get. A. Life.

You're are 22 for fucks sake.
Where is your ambition?
You don't sound like you even WANT a job and quite enjoy floating through life whilst your husband pays for everything.

I feel like you’ve posted about this before or at least I certainly remember a similar thread where the OP became defensive about her DH’s salary etc.

I personally find it quite depressing that in 2020 a woman is asking her husband for handouts every week so she can get by. You should have constant access to the money, you shouldn’t have to ask for permission. I’d personally want to get a job so you have your own money to get by and don’t need to ask him.

He'll be paying even more for everything if childcare for his 2 children under 3 costs more than the what OP can earn, which seems more than likely.

£67k seems like a lot but there are five of you. And with one thing or another, I can see how it's a stretch and the pressure of being a sole earner.

Seriously? Notwithstanding, that there are only 4 for of them and 2 are babies, for most of us £67k would be plenty for a family of 4. He is doing the job he would be doing and earning what he is earning, regardless, so can't really see what the pressure would be. Given how young he is, I can see that other lads his age would have most of their income to themselves, so maybe he is becoming aware of that and begining to be resentful. However, his solution that OP should just get a job: one that miraculously pays £40 more than the cost of childcare for the 2 children, which he will he generously will allow OP to keep, seems like a total non-starter.

If we want equality as women we can't just expect someone else to give us money whilst not working for it!

I see some bollocks spouted here but this is among the worst. Bloody hell.

OP - please stop TTC until you sort something out. It looks on the face of it to be a form of coercive control (you've been together 9 years and you're only 22?

Work out what you need for household stuff and get a household account set up (include everything) and then work out what you would pay out in childcare if you went out to work full-time right now, plus what you'd have to pay a cleaner and cook etc. Then tell him you want half that on your account every month from him. That is your worth, monetary value, to him. Work out what you really want to do with your life and make a plan. This is your beginning negotiating position with your DH. Both of you should be able to make enough compromises to come up with something that works for you. But you shouldn't have to be asking him when you can go shopping.

But seriously - please don't have another child until you have at least a good job sorted out that you can go back to after maternity leave. Think of your future, your pension. The example you two are setting to your DCs.

I’d personally want to get a job so you have your own money to get by and don’t need to ask him.

From what OP has posted about him, she won't have her own money as it will all be taken up in childcare costs and she will have to beg him to make up the shortfall.

OP needs to have a serious talk with him about this; what the costs and benefits would be for her returning to work, what the timeframe would be, what he would do to pull his weight to make returning to work achievable.

The only sensible advice for the short term, is 'do not have any more children!'

Why are you asking him for money? Why do you need to? If you have decided between you that you are a SAHP then that is your job and you need to have full access to the FAMILY money in order to provide for the children and yourself when he is not there!

What would happen if you needed an expensive taxi unexpectedly, what if you needed to fill up with petrol etc., or you need to get food not on the 'designated day'? And he is at work and cannot immediately transfer it?

I hate this idea of one spouse 'asking' for money or getting an 'allowance'. He agreed to this and it should be set up so that you're not asking him for anything - your job here is raising the children that you BOTH have, and you are doing it alone for days at a time. Stop TTC until this is sorted out!

Sounds like he wants his money for himself and doesn't want to share with his family.

He'll be paying even more for everything if childcare for his 2 children under 3 costs more than the what OP can earn, which seems more than likely
I doubt it will cost more even on minimum wage. OP said she is entitled to some free hours. Even if OP finishes with £50 a week after childcare it is still an extra £200 monthly to add to the pot. Everyone's wage suffers with small DC, in 2 years OP might get a promotion the DC will be at school and she will have a £1000 a month to add to the family pot instead of starting from scratch in 5 years after the 3rd child arrives then gets to school. Agree on DC sick days and days off school to split the care.
I'd shelve the idea of a 3rd DC for a few years.

@Mouseandmoose I believe you on his job, I've a friend who started as an apprentice with Range rover 25 years ago. He is easily on €80,000.00 euro with a fabulous top speck company jeep.
Experience trump's degrees if in long term employment with a good company.

Last post sorry, if he is off 4 days a week it would reduce childcare costs further.

I doubt it will cost more even on minimum wage. OP said she is entitled to some free hours. Even if OP finishes with £50 a week after childcare it is still an extra £200 monthly to add to the pot.

The child will get some free hours when her eldest turns 3. Not sure if you have plucked your figures out of the air. Would you be able to provide a breakdown of how OP ends up with £50 extra per week after childcare on minimum wage?

Last post sorry, if he is off 4 days a week it would reduce childcare costs further.

A shift pattern of 4 days on, then 4 days off is not quite the same as having 4 days off a week. He would be working 4 different days each week over the 8 day period. It might still cut childcare costs, but I don't know enough about nurseries to know how amenable they are to children needing different days from week to week. This is something they will have to work out between them. However, I'm not sure he is planning to do childcare on his days off.

The child will get some free hours when her eldest turns 3. Not sure if you have plucked your figures out of the air. Would you be able to provide a breakdown of how OP ends up with £50 extra per week after childcare on minimum wage?
Yes OP's eldest turns 3 in May approximately 8 weeks, she will be entitled to 30 hours free childcare.
Working 40hours at UK minium wage amounts to £348. Her DH is home 4 days a week. You could easily afford it being left with extra cash.
OP it is great you are entitled to 30 hours free childcare it saves a fortune.

I don't think 67k is a lot for a family of four once you've factored in everything.

Who cares if she earns 5p extra? The important thing is you share the financial effort of keeping the family afloat.

He'll have to realise his life will change drastically if your working, make sure he is fully onboard to stretch like an elastic.
Childcare, cleaning, laundry, night awakening the lot.

Everyone is going on about the dh but what about the ops responsibility for herself. Pop out child after child, extremely young and immature and has zero ambition except to be a 'mummy'.
Get a JOB, sort yourself out. Why are you even thinking of bringing another child into this sorry situation.

Who cares if she earns 5p extra? The important thing is you share the financial effort of keeping the family afloat.

This makes no sense to me. Yes to it bringing financial independence, pension contributions, future career progression, feeling of self-worth etc - all valid points. But she's 22 and the children are 1 and 2: what she currently brings to the family table is worth more than 5p, surely?

mmmm This thing about asking him for money...you are not a little girl and as you are a sahm you should have your own card and access to family money. Because it is family money NOT HIS money. I find this really concerning.

@EmeraldShamrock he is not off 4 days a week, he works 4 on, 4 off which is different. Most likely the 4 is is on will be 12 hour shifts.

my alarm bells are that you are planning another baby

Being a mum is a valid ambition- op’s goals are no less important for being family oriented than if she aspired to a high flying career. The issue is that her current financial situation doesn’t seem to allow for her to carry them out in the way she wants to.

She’ll have to do what anyone else striving toward a goal does- work at something less than ideal in order to improve her current situation and cut her clothes according to the cloth she has at the moment.

@QuarterMileAtATime
Its about responsibility and self respect. Choosing to have children without attempting to work on yourself is not of value.

If you get a job he will have to share childcare costs, share the household chores, not be able to expect dinner on the table in fact he will have to share cooking. He will have to share dropping the children off and collect them. You just cannot do it all.

OP, it’s very frustrating that you’re refusing to answer questions or engage in your own thread, what are you looking for here?

Why does he get to make all the rules? Are you happy with that? Are you content being a surrendered wife type?

Look as others have pointed out, he’s entitled to no longer want to be the sole earner and for you to get a job. What he’s not entitled to do is insist on what kind of job that is, what hours you’re allowed to work or that you still do all the childcare and cleaning. Just as he’s allowed to no longer want to be the sole earner, you’re entitled to no longer be the nanny and housekeeper, and he has to make changes to incorporate this too. I don’t agree that you should get a Saturday job, you’re 22, you should be aiming to build a career for yourself, not sacrificing your potential so that your husband can build his own career. - he can’t have it both ways.

A man who wants to move the goal posts and expect you not only to work, but to do a job that suits HIM, so that you can still facilitate his career is a selfish arsehole.

@cheeseisformice
If we were talking about someone wondering about whether to go back to their job after maternity leave I would agree with you. She is 22, doesn't yet have prospects, has a 1 year old and a 2 year old and a partner who feels the childcare is all her responsibility. She should train and work when her eldest is 3, for lots and lots of reasons. But your post implied she does nothing of value now and the only thing that matters is sharing the financial responsibility of a family.