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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 12/03/2020 02:53

omg

Mayaaaaa · 12/03/2020 02:54

3 weeks of marriage isnt really much protection. Especially to someone self employed with no major assets.

Marriage isnt the be all and end all of protecting yourself. Every situation needs looking at individually.

Marriage, wont protect me. It would make me vulnerable.

Not really sure what the rest is about. I havent said OP should leave him but given the situation, she clearly would be better off with some financial independence. Because this isnt working.

I have called OP workshy or the rest of it. But if you are married to a dick, who is self employed and treats his money as his own, you are best trying to gain financial independence. Because this sort of man wont think twice about leaving you in the shit.

FrankieManca · 12/03/2020 05:59

However.... the word ‘engineer’ is also (mis) used across different industries. Google ‘heating engineer’ ‘ gas engineer’ and you get gas-safe registered boiler installers all using the word ‘engineer’.

This company helpfully explains their use of the word www.plumbcare.com/blog/2014/07/the-difference-between-a-plumber-and-heating-engineer-explained

AgentJohnson · 12/03/2020 05:59

Have you seen his income? There’s lots of things in your story that just do not add up, which could be a major contributing factor to his change of mind.

Unqualified engineers at his age and on his salary are very very rare (if not unheard of). I suspect that money is at the centre (the lack of it) of his sudden change of heart.

FrankieManca · 12/03/2020 06:02

Well I can tell you he is in an engineering position for a space & defence company with NO degree

And I know where this happens, too. Not sure if it is the same professional qualification as ‘engineer’ with letters after your name but ‘engineering position’ yes.

Are you in the Bedfordshire / MK area OP?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 12/03/2020 08:01

But surely if he's a contractor there need to be several companies employing people like him, which he moves between depending on the job he's doing, not just one in Bedfordshire?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 12/03/2020 08:03

And to the pp above - Jesus wept! You are so wrapped up in your obsession with defending SAHMs from perceived criticism that you have failed to notice how vulnerable she is. Having to ask your husband's permission to do a food shop is not an indicator of a happy successful life.

Janus · 12/03/2020 08:19

This is terrifying.
You need to sit down with him properly the next time he is home. You should not plan another baby with him. I would seriously start your degree by open university or something and make that your plan for the future so that you can get a well paid job once children are in school as then you will just have to afford wrap around care rather than nursery fees. You need to explain that you will need a budget of £x a month to enable you to take the children out when he’s not here and pay for the odd amount of clothes you or children need. Out of interest, on his days home does he take the children out on his own or do you go out on your own (bet I know the answer to that.)
There’s so much you need to do I don’t know where to start but you are in a bad place with this relationship at the moment so I’d strongly advise you to start working on your own interests.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2020 09:55

I would agree to work, but stipulate that this is with the absolute agreement that he pays gis share of childcare

That would be the least she should ask for.

Is she also meant to continue looking after the children all pick ups and drop offs from nursery/school when it comes time
Is she meant to also do all the cooking and cleaning when she gets back from her full time job?

If he insists that she works then his life as he knows it has to change.

This is not a question of will his dw get a job but is he willing to have a complete change of life style and start actually being part of the family instead of wafting in and out of family life when it suits him.

Can’t believe the nit picking over the word engineer.

Of course you can be an engineer without a degree.

Ds will next year hopefully qualify as a particular type of engineer.

He doesn’t have a degree, he doesn’t have a levels. He will be only 18 when he actually qualifies

I personally wouldn’t bother with a degree. Unless you want to pursue a particular career that requires a degree then I think you are wasting your time. There are thousands of 21 year olds coming out of university. 85% of whom will never have a job that pays enough for long enough to ever repay their student loan.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/03/2020 11:54

as OP herself stated.. she has only 2 bra's and £10 a week is given for bits for herself... so despite the His income.. this is her reality... 🌺

RainMinusBow · 12/03/2020 13:01

I married a wealthy man who became very financially controlling. Once to the point where he took my purse from me and left me with just water from the tap.

Thank goodness I had a job when I left him which enabled me to earn my own money and feed/clothe my two very small children.

RainMinusBow · 12/03/2020 13:05

@Mayaaaaa Same for me as under normal circumstances I earn more than my OH and have more in the way of savings. It's not always the man that earns more than the woman in a relationship!

Dowser · 12/03/2020 13:14

Not rft
But I wouldn’t get a job Id get on a college course /uni that would lead me to a high paying job
So I’d never be dependent on him again

Yogawoogie · 12/03/2020 13:30

When is he next at home op? You need big conversations!
I’m wondering if his upbringing is making him behave like an arse to you but you are both too loved up to see it until now.
Maybe something has happened at work or maybe he’s scared about the future. You won’t know until you sit and talk.
I agree with whoever suggested that you enroll on a course, get some qualifications so that when you are ready to return to work you have recent qualifications.

CallMeBobcat · 12/03/2020 15:59

People do change their minds with this kind of thing though. Have things so far not been as was planned? How have things been while you have been sat at home? If it is not working out he is well within his rights to ask that it changes.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2020 17:57

Thank goodness I had a job when I left him which enabled me to earn my own money and feed/clothe my two very small children

Didn’t your wealthy exh not pay CM or did you not get half of his wealth

Mayaaaaa · 12/03/2020 18:12

Didn’t your wealthy exh not pay CM or did you not get half of his wealth

Its amazing how many times the wealthy person in a divorce is so good at hiding money and assets.

Assets turn out be in parents name, money hidden away everywhere.

And if your wealthy ex is self employed or can move abroad, you are screwed.

RainMinusBow · 12/03/2020 18:30

@Oliversmumsarmy Since my divorce 6 years ago I've not had a penny in maintenance as he got 50/50 custody and is a self-employed chartered accountant who hid most of his assets with his brother.

When I first left I was working just 16 hours with a 3 and 6 yo. Privately rented a damp and mouldy tiny two-bed for five years - couldn't afford furniture to begin with so we all slept in one bed for six months and I pretty much went without food or heating in the weeks the kids were with their dad.

I still struggle to come to terms with how let down I was by the courts.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/03/2020 18:42

I have seen one person write about working and forging a career despite being a single parent, but in such a way they clearly believe it will seem amazing and admirable. I never said it was amazing or admirable, just pointing out it is doable because she may want to think about leaving.

How about if we said how stupid they were to have kids before they had the career sorted and how stupid they had kids to a person whom it didnt work out with (they would then claim their husband died tragically to get round it and get sympathy) You'll think I'm trying to get sympathy but I was raped so thanks for the nasty comment. I'm educated to masters level but after the brutal and violent rapes at the hands of my ex I decided to do a simple job for a while.

and how they should be working to keep the kids they had anyway. I was it just didn't make enough money plus the hours were 7.30am til 9.30pm so wouldn't fit with childcare.

the Op has married her partner so has that protection, she is a SAHM with a working husband she's been married 3 weeks. Marriage isn't some magical magic wand 😂

It's so ironic you came here to "call out" others but decided to be nasty yourself 😂

allthedamnvampires · 12/03/2020 18:46

OP you asked if you were BU. Consensus is you're not. What you going to do?

EmeraldShamrock · 13/03/2020 08:10

I have seen one person write about working and forging a career despite being a single parent, but in such a way they clearly believe it will seem amazing and admirable It bloody well is amazing, my dear friend built her solicitor firm as a single DM. She burnt the candles at both ends for years to succeed, I'd admire any woman doing her best at parenting alone, those who are working and parenting alone should be admired not judged.
@WaterOffADucksCrack Congratulations on leaving your abusive ex and having the strength to forge a career alongside being a single DM.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 13/03/2020 09:00

All these people nit-picking about whether OP is telling the truth about being an “engineer”. Unlike “solicitor” or “doctor” for example, it isn’t unlawful to describe yourself as an engineer unless you have specific qualifications. If a company wants to describe a position available to someone without a degree as an “engineer” it’s up to them- they could have “customer service engineers” on the checkout at Tesco if they wanted. Also, as someone else said, boiler repairers are routinely called “heating engineers” and don’t tend to have degree level education.

Instead of trying to expose OP as a liar (which I don’t think she is) why not just give her the benefit of the doubt and advise her based on what she says at face value?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/03/2020 09:06

That marriage is somehow a 'protection' is the biggest lie in the book. It is some protection, but the best protection is not to surrender one's financial independence, ever. The relationships board is full of 'protected' women with nowhere to live because they need to sell the family home on divorce and can't afford a mortgage on a place of their own and have no skills, experience and jobs. The ring on their finger actually means very little in this world.

JKScot4 · 13/03/2020 09:20

@Oliversmumsarmy
Remember in MN world you MUST have a degree and no one other than graduates can be high earners 🙄
My exDH worked his way up through an apprenticeship to become an engineer by the age of 20, the field he specialises in has took him all over the world and is highly regarded, has ever had a day of unemployment in 30 years and earns in excess of £120k.
The nastiness in hereby other women is unpleasant. You can have a good career without a piece of paper.

Loppy10 · 13/03/2020 09:37

So sick of spoilt boomers trotting out the "just work your way up the career ladder, that's what I did" line.

Yes, we know you could get a paid apprenticeship straight out of school with no qualifications, move on to a well paid job for life and get continual promotions. All while buying a 3-bed house for 20k in your early 20s with a single household income, then retiring at 60 with a generous DB pension.

Things don't work that way any more, boomer. Try asking the younger generation how things actually are before lecturing people about not needing qualifications