He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

Well if the OP isn't interested in her own thread, why should anyone else be?

Besides, she was posting pregnancy tests yesterday or the day before, so that ship has possibly sailed anyway.

Waste of time. That's if it's even real.

Yes, I find it concerning too. He really does have a decent income for a family of 4 and OP seems to have to beg him for money to buy necessities for herself, and even have to ask him to be allowed to change the day for buying groceries for the family. He also buys her the odd inexpensive thing as a gift for which she is supposed to be extremely grateful.

OP you say that he is, 'generally a great guy, a living dad and partner' and yet, 'I'm just not a confident person, so I don't like asking for money or spending money that I don't need to because I don't want to explain myself.'

I feel if he is a great guy, you shouldn't have to explain yourself. You should have some spare money to buy personal necessities. And even if you are short, you should be able to just ask, it shouldn't be something that you need a lot of confidence for, especially not with someone you have been with since you were both kids.

Is there any chance that he has run into financial difficulties? My ex was very secretive with money, I never had access to his accounts, and struggled to pay my share of the bills from child benefit / tax credits. It turned out that he had run up thousands in debts to pay day loan companies. He had issues with alcohol, but gambling or drugs can cause similar problems. The deeper into the hole he got, the more lies he told, and his behaviour tipped over into financial abuse.
Having had that experience, I’d always advise both parties in a couple to insist on full financial transparency.

Only read the first page so might have been covered but what exactly is the reason why he is now asking you to get a job when you are looking to have more children.

With his shift patterns whilst occasionally he might be able to do pick ups and drop offs it isn’t going to make any difference to childcare or the working hours of your potential job

I doubt it will cost more even on minimum wage. OP said she is entitled to some free hours. Even if OP finishes with £50 a week after childcare it is still an extra £200 monthly to add to the pot

Friend who was on a salary that went with a degree and years of experience in a high paying City job had less than £50 per month left after paying for childcare for 2 children under 3

Childcare is eye wateringly expensive at a young age.

I was in a similar position with Dp working away 1-2 weeks in every 4 and having no
qualifications or experience.

Dp did also float the idea that I get a job at one point but as he would have had to change jobs in order to facilitate this (no way was I going to add a ft job to my routine and still be responsible for both dc) and we would be substantially worse off he gave up on the idea very quickly.
This was when the children were school age.
I did actually work sporadically around Dp and dc and school hours in my own business.

Might just be old and cynical but my first though on reading the opening post was he is has met someone else and is gearing up for divorce and you working would mean that he pays less in maintenance and wanting 50/50 joint custody

Might just me seeing things repeated in other people’s divorces.

Or it could be he has had a conversation with someone and is worried you are leaving yourself exposed if anything should happen to him

He earns 67k but expects you to pay for childcare out of a minimum wage job? Plus wants another baby and has already tied you down at 22 by being married with a 2 and 3 year old?

Can you really not see how utterly ridiculous this is? Sort yourself out.

“Why is everyone not believing me about his work” because we have experience in that industry and know how it really works

It’s been a while for me which is why I’m not up on the current regulations and tax issues but as is common as time goes on tightening up of regulations generally includes or encourages more formalising of certain jobs requiring formal and higher level qualifications.

I worked for a world renowned firm and I learned through doing that job which included talking with the other firms new employees of ours were coming from and university depts how it worked and this was over 10 years ago and even then coming up through the ranks which happened to a point up to around the 80’s really started to become considered inadequate in the 90’s and so it was really only the much older engineers who’d done so.

It’s very much a profession now with most engineers having at least 2 phd’s, certainly my experience was masters level education was the minimum expected by the vast majority of employers.

“Indeed. Without a degree they are hired as engineering technicians. With the PI cover these companies need to carry, having someone who isn’t properly qualified is a real risk to them.” Exactly! It’s so highly regulated companies need to cover their arses! The health and safety aspects are crucial - these are the people that ensure that buildings don’t collapse or blow up from poorly designed infrastructure etc

When I started that job I really had no idea what an engineer did, much of it I thought was covered in architecture it was very enlightening to learn about all they do.

There was a mocking “in joke” they used to say all the time that I’m struggling to remember something like “architects design buildings engineers figure out how the hell to actually put them up so they’ll work” I’m sure an engineer or possibly an architect will tell me the correct phrase?

@Fanthorpe @emeraldshamrock really not REMOTELY the same job at all. That’s car manufacture not construction, totally different industry.

“if he is off 4 days a week it would reduce childcare costs further.” He’s actually not off 4 days a week he works 4 on 4 off so rolling hours so he’s not off the same days every week.

Most childcare providers require that you give at least 1 months notice of what days and hours you require cover for in order to plan and many require termly notice as they’re running businesses not charities and places like nurseries need to ensure they have their career to child ratios correct etc in order not to fall foul of ofsted regulations. They generally don’t cope well with frequently changing requirements. Op is very unlikely to find a job that perfectly slots in with her husbands shifts. So really she’ll need to operate and book childcare as if she were a lone parent and ensure her working hours are covered.

And as pp said term time, school hours jobs are like hens teeth and desperately sought and not everyone has the aptitude or relevant qualifications for those roles.

Add in the moving around to follow his work (again WHY if he’s “away” 4 days anyway? That doesn’t make sense, I asked before about that and op has chosen not to answer) and she’s a poor prospect as an employee to be honest, she might get away with that the first couple jobs but when the pattern emerges on her cv she’ll find it harder and harder to find work - ask many military wives! Of which I was one!

The point I was responding to was that ‘engineers’ need degrees. They absolutely do not.

companies, started off In a technician role and then at one of the jobs they saw he was good at the job and put him into engineering with guidance from other engineers and from there hes been engineering.
They actually prefer experience over degrees as it goes. he earns £67k a year.
Who are “they”; you say he contracts for multiple companies? Then again, you also said he was in a niche role. Did you mean niche as in unqualified engineer?!
They’re always in demand 😆

This is getting really nasty now.

@ElspethFlashman glad I'm not the only one that noticed that that ship had sailed..

FYI 30 hours free childcare won't apply if you're not both working .

OP - you really need to get a job and become more financially independent. That way it will be far more manageable if your relationship does break down and/or things change beyond your control.

They actually prefer experience over degrees as it goes

Careful OP, your bullshit is showing.

I work in HR for a huge engineering company. He we never hire an engineer without a degree because, until they have that piece of paper, they’re not an engineer and cannot sign-off on any works.

FYI 30 hours free childcare won't apply if you're not both working .

I thought all 3 year olds got the 30 hours?

No, of course they don’t.

Vanishingly rare... 😆

“apprentices having the opportunity to progress right through to degree level”

So yes, vanishingly rare for an apprentice to work only to only NVQ level and be on 67k. The ones with degrees are the ones who will progress.

Whoops it’s 15 hours for all 3 year olds, it’s the 30 that has conditions.

@Nothernlass75 .... Well I can tell you he is in an engineering position for a space & defence company with NO degree 😂

You can tell us anything you want, op 🤣

he is in an engineering position for a space & defence company

So how is he also a contractor? He either works in a position for one company, or he's a contractor. He can't be both.

@receptaclefortherespectable

Because he's a contract engineer for that company 🤨 hel have a year working at that company till the projects he works on are done then will find another contract at another company

I don’t think space and defence companies employ contract engineers who happen to be unqualified. It’s not like there’s a dearth of qualified ones.

Aye right!

As we say up here

Another job I had (yes I've had loads! Joys of being a military dependent over 30 years!) funnily enough was mod recruitment.

I gotta give op kudos for taking to the max though!

You just got married 3 weeks ago. could there be a link? Maybe his true colours coming out or he realises you now have protection shoukd you split and he is trying to make you feel you wouldn't deserve your rightful share. I would agree to work, but stipulate that this is with the absolute agreement that he pays gis share of childcare and if he disagrees then you tell him that you will divorce him for his disrespect. if he tells you not to work, you still explain finances need to be sorted and as his wife you want a joint account etc so not needing to beg demeaningly!!

I come on here and am never surprised at how many women paint their bitchy, judgemental, bullying posts as advice when they are having a go, putting the op down and think they can say anything they like as long as they pretend they are perfect and I bet the worst ones are not paying their own way fully and working from working age regardless of curcumstances. I have seen one person write about working and forging a career despite being a single parent, but in such a way they clearly believe it will seem amazing and admirable. How about if we said how stupid they were to have kids before they had the career sorted and how stupid they had kids to a person whom it didnt work out with (they would then claim their husband died tragically to get round it and get sympathy) and how they should be working to keep the kids they had anyway. The Op has married her partner so has that protection, she is a SAHM with a working husband and it was decided by both her husband and her so she hasnt done anything to warrant being told to grow up and its laughable saying shes avoiding being independant and has shirked work sponging off her partner. She's 22 LMFAO! So going by the rulebook of important life choices according to mumsnet she is doing pretty darn well and better than those slating her such as the single parent who is forging a career. She has protected her rights with marriage. Her husband had a good job, good salary and this is paying for everything the children need not from.the dreaded evil BENEFITS that everyone on here goes out of their way to claim they don't claim or if they do they explain this as not their fault it is jobs not paying a working wage etc. The Op has not said anything to suggest she is workshy or expects a life of luxury that she is dead set against contributing to. The Op has come on as the joint decision she made with her husband is now being changed without forwarning and the people going for her are determined to put her in the wrong, but they haven't considered the far more likely situation that the op would not have gone ahead and had two children never mind trying for a third if her husband had ever suggested wanting her to work over this time. It seems obvious the op had the children and wanted to take care of them while supporting her husbands career until the children went to school and she had every intention of working then. The op has been unfairly roasted on here and most people dont want to understand and only want the op to answer so they can nit pick and slate her more and that will be undoubtably why the op isnt answering. Why bother when it is obvious most people just want more fodder to twist to something bad. To those who are genuine and have tried to help you dont need to be offended as this is only for those who arent .If you do get offended then you are basically confirming you have been guilty of nastiness to the op and I would urge people to not turn round and say I am putting single parents down as I am not the one doing that as I wrote in my post it is the view of the judgemental, bullying people I am highlighting with this post. I hope the bitches who are guilty read this and are offended as that is good. it means they can recognise themselves in it and hopefully they see how ugly it is!!!! To the OP- you have done nothing wrong and you clearly put your childrens needs first and that is obvious when you explain you only have 2 bras as you only feel comfortable asking for what the kids need and it shows you do that and make sure he gets what they need and you arent saying you darent ask. him to get things and I noticed that as others here often say they darent ask for things and give eg. which often includes childrens things and i bet if he didnt pay for the kids things you would have not let that go and I love how at 22 you know far more than the older women on here always banging on about supporting youtself and working despite relationships and they always are single, have kids grom previous relationships and never in your situation and didnt have that choice and so it isnt clear if they still would have never r'elied on a man ' They seem bitter to me and its obviously a case of they had to so want you to have to. Well stupid you op married, husband on great salary, 2 kids and trying for another without benefits and just 22. So the holy grail of some on mumsnet and to follow that means the easiest would be you should divorce, become a single mam and ignoring any potential psychological effects on the children this should be while also getting a job, career build ing as you go, sacrifice the childrens needs completely if thats what it takes to achieve self worth, indepence yes l It will all be surely worth it for the mumsnet 'indepence' you are apparantly lacking now. Any evidence to the contrary ignore and if really convincing come to mumsnet for a refresher course. Of course there are inconvenient conflicting problems to get around with this method. To be truly independent according to mumsnet you must earn it for yourself not relying on benefits, but in order to not be imprisoned for child neglect it will be necessary to claim whilst building your career in order to feed, clothe, have them minded, house them and. it is unlikely that your ex 's maintenance will be enough to cover all this and asking them 4 maintenance and half the childcare costs would unlikely be agreed to and would fly in the face of independance. Then of course in order to build your career you would have to put the time in, study while working full time and if you want to get ahead then you will have to avoid days off and that will mean sacrificing time with the children, but they will not even miss you while the au pair takes them on days out. They will still know you are their mam and once your career is fully established and you have the sum that means fully independent you will be able to celebrate with them on a lovely adult only holiday that will be so luxurious that they will forgive and issues they might have had from you not being able to take them on holiday while they were kids. Its just silly sentiment.....................Great comfort when old, alone im sure :-P