He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

Why is everyone not believing me about his work 😂 he started off the apprenticeship at a good company, and kept working at good companies, started off In a technician role and then at one of the jobs they saw he was good at the job and put him into engineering with guidance from other engineers and from there hes been engineering.
They actually prefer experience over degrees as it goes. he earns £67k a year.
Not like I should have to explain myself

He's educated in the ir35 too and prepared for it

He earns 67k and you have to ask for hand outs?

He earns 67k and you have to ask for hand outs?

....and wants you to get by on £40?

So companies have supported him as an apprentice, putting him into roles but he's a self employed contractor not impacted by IR35? It sounds exactly like the sort of disguised employee they're going after.

I guess people don't have a very clear idea of you OP, we don't know what a high salary is to you.

tbh if he earns that much, you should get some kind of financial advice, so you are using the money properly. Maybe buy an investment house somewhere. You are both young with not a huge amount of life experience, so I would encourage you to get some advise about how your financial lives are going to work in the future.
When DH and I got married our vicar offered marriage lessons which were really handy! Included lesson on 'how to argue' which I still think of today.
I do wish you luck and hope you get this sorted and have a long and happy family life together.

OP, why would you want to have another child with this man? Just don't get it. Can you explain? I think this is something lots of posters struggle with.

I really dont get why you posted if your don't want to work and prefer to continue churning out his babies. You need to take things into your own hand
This might be hard as, seeing your age and that you already have 2 DC and assuming you have never be financially responsible (as I working and earning your own money to finance yourself) but you need to take this as a wake up call and grow up

He won't change. Only you can!!!

If you want to keep separate banks: You need to sit down and write a budget with all the outgoings you need for a month. Then set up a joint account and pay the amount of his earnings needed to cover it into that each month.
Then make an adjusted spreadsheet based on those same outgoings but with additional nursery costs for 2. Add in your income with you working a minimum wage school hours only job. Work out what your salary would be as a percentage of his, split the outgoings according to that percentage and show him what his new contribution would be with you going out to work.
He'll be shocked at how much more he'll have to pay. Because why on earth would you work to shoulder all the costs when you will earn so much less? You'll pretty much break even, not be spending time with your children and not be furthering any career path etc.
Alternatively you go to work and you both pay all your wages into one joint account and all outgoings come from that account. No more asking for money or working out splits etc.
And stop TTC immediately.

OP - has this thread convinced you to rethink your DH's plan to rush into another baby? Or are you still TTC?

For goodness sake do yourself and your kids a favour and get some independence! Self respect will surely follow!

Do you want your kids to grow up and think men make the money and women are there to serve?

I built a career as a single parent with no help. You can surely get a job, many people - including women - have jobs! I think he's using you as a convenient person to bring up his kids and do the housework and you're using him so you don't have to work.

Also, just because you agreed something in the past doesn't mean it has to be the agreement forevermore.

He may be fed up of being the sole earner (you've no idea how much pressure this puts on a person). However I'd say it's more likely he has had his head turned or is reconsidering a future with you and doesn't want you to be unemployed if you split.....you don't get extra benefits for a third child.

OP, you are both so young and this DH of yours sounds very naive.

What does he mean when he says you will have to pay for childcare?

What does this even mean? I’m struggling to get my head around the mentality here. Surely he’s not trying to imply the cost would have to come solely out of your wage?

OP, here is the deal - Never, never, never be a SAHM to a man who will not have 100% shared finances with you; sees all his earnings as family money and understands the benefits of his wife being with the children.

Just DO NOT DO IT!!!

What do you mean, he gives you the odd tenner for make up, but you feel you can’t ask him for money? This is doing my head in.

Who else can you ask - Father bloody Christmas??

This is beyond ridiculous and I don’t know why we , in this society, are raising young men to believe that “childcare,” whether this be by the mother of their children or a service provider, is somehow not their responsibility. It’s as if they think they can just carry in working after kids, totally unimpeded, while someone else had all the inconvenience and picks up the pieces for them.

I can’t bear hearing about this kind of nonsense. My son is almost 17, so not much younger than 22. If he ever became a father and came out with this kind of drivel, he wouldn’t know what had hit him.

So he earns 67,000 a year and you will have at best a pt job and he wants you to use that to pay for childcare

Insanity

Haven't RTFT, but maybe reconsider trying to conceive until this is resolved, it boggles my mind. For either to be at home it requires support of both, similarly as he is away a lot that needs to be a joint decision. Maybe he is plotting to leave his current job and get a different one and wants some sort of stability in place. I hope IR35 means the loopholes for paying an appropriate amount of tax are closed. Where I used to work loads of contractors left when it came in, if they hadn't insisted on having the free training etc then they wouldn't have been seen as employees and could have gone on exploiting it.

@BennyVegas the fact he once had an apprenticeship at one company has zero relevance to his ir35 status in a different role at a different company?

Not the best way to communicate to suddenly announce out of the blue that you need get a job.
But entirely reasonable to change his views about it. Relationships and life patterns aren’t set in stone. What if it were the other way round and a woman who had previously thought she’d definitely want to be a SAHM realised that actually She wanted to work - I doubt anyone would dare tell her she had to stick at home, even if she would prefer to be a WOHM!

The issues of childcare and paying for it are a joint responsibility. And the issue of whether you’d only have a small net financial gain at the moment has been discussed multiple times on MN. The fact is, even when childcare wipes out a big chunk of earnings in the short term, there are many other benefits to remaining in the job market and you’re keeping yourself employable.

Quite frankly I would hate the responsibility of being sole earner. I always worked, even if just part time when the babies were small (and this cost a lot in childcare) but it meant a more equal lifestyle for us both because we were both contributing by earning and caring.

Having a sole earner and a SAHP is only reasonable for as long as both partners agree to it. Either partner is entitled to change their view, why should one be shackled to either being the only one out at work (or the only one being at home) if they don’t want to be?

I am sure that you have a strong relationship and your DS supports your family well, however, you wrote that he had a bad childhood and maybe, because of a lack of role models, he is behaving in a way he thinks a husband should, especially if his own father didn’t support the family financially. You can both be proud of the family you have made and your DH success but you are both very young and still have to work at some aspects of your life together. I suggest you wait until he is home and make time to sit down and plan. The building industry is very vulnerable to downturns in the economy, have you savings in place? If you are moving around you are not very employable, what skills have you got? How can you build on them? What do you want as a career? Your DH needs to understand that any employment you get is dependent on his atm, currently you are bringing up the children you both chose to have so you should not have to be asking for money. Do not have anymore children until you have a life plan in place, you both need to be realistic, I’m afraid you are playing, very successfully, your version of mummies and daddies, but you need some long term plans as a family.

Why do you only have 2 bras?? Why does he only give you £10 for make up??

To add another point of view (and am probably going to get flamed for being a crap budgeter) DH and I both work full time and earn in the region of £70k combined. We have a toddler at nursery 3 days a week and a teen doing a levels. We don’t have any expensive habits or buy anything extravagant imo but we rarely have any money left at the month end. Could it be that your DH is struggling to support 4 people on one wage and is too proud (or secretive about finances) to admit it?
Regardless it would be better for you to be financially stable in your own right, if just for your self esteem.
Fuck paying the whole childcare bill though- maybe do the online child maintenance estimate and enlighten him to what he would pay without your cooperation.
At the least you should have access to money without having to beg and explain- anything less is financially abusive.

You should have equal access to money op. It's not his money, it belongs you both of you. Just like the children. He shouldn't have control over every thing that's spent, and you shouldn't have to ask for money. Paying for childcare is not your sole responsibility. He's financially abusing you.

Please don't have any more kids with him.

Yes, he can change his views on it, but not right now - not when they have a 1 year old and a 2 year old (forget tcc!). Childcare won't just wipe out most of her income; it will be more than her income and they'll be worse of as a family, so he's just being spiteful and manipulating her into not asking for money by using this as a threat.

When your eldest gets free hours, it would be sensible to train and find work, OP. But you're so young, the 'out of the work force too long' argument doesn't apply and choosing to be at home with your children when the family unit can afford it is reasonable. Sounds like he is starting to resent you tbh.

Once you're back at work, make it clear you expect to split the housework, childcare responsibilities and financial contribution according to net earnings (eg 75/25), because it sounds like he might be the type to let you do everything for family and home but want 50/50 on finances, despite earning far more.

You’ve lived together since you were 13? 🤨

It's vanishingly rare now for someone to be accepted as such without at least an undergrad degree.

Indeed. Without a degree they are hired as engineering technicians. With the PI cover these companies need to carry, having someone who isn’t properly qualified is a real risk to them.

Speaking as an old married with two grown kids, I’m torn,
I stayed at home till youngest was in primary, then did part-time hours.
Now I’m very old, out of the loop re work, as i didnt go back into any sort of career.
I now see that I should have gone back to some sort of proper job, or started training in something. Motherhood is the greatest job you can do, but until it is recognised as such and paid for then women need to work.
Childcare costs are definitely the responsibility of both of you, but I would advise that for your own sense of self worth, life fulfilment and Pension contributions that you should go back to work.
But talk to him and get him to understand this, plus I would not have another child (not meant nastily)

because he started it doing an apprenticeship at 16, worked his way, up did college while he worked and because of his experience and how well he does at the job hes worked his way up.

And what did you do in that time OP?

£67k seems like a lot but there are five of you. And with one thing or another, I can see how it's a stretch and the pressure of being a sole earner. You could have grafted like him and be on the same salary.

When I first read the the thread I thought that you were being financially manipulated. But from reading your responses I believe that you used him to further yourself in life without doing anything for yourself and that's why the dripfeeding.

That's also why there's this weirdness around money, you know you shouldn't be acting like it's family money (like other people have suggested) because you never pushed yourself to earn just to have kids.

I think that's why you say you've only got two bras so proudly without horror. It's your proof you're not a gold-digger.

It's not wholly him, he's acting like a dick for a reason.

You need to figure out what you want from life.