Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cut DD1 hair whilst I'm in hospital with DD2

193 replies

Alik212 · 07/03/2020 19:46

I have no idea how to react to this other than be incredibly angry and sad for my MIL.

I gave birth on Wed and the MIL looked after DD1 (21mnths) for a few hours, this is the first time she has ever done so on her own, as "she doesn't do babies".

DD1 now looks like shes recieved a hair cut to her fringe.

I think MIL has crossed the line. DH is saying I'm over reacting, but fuck me it can never be undone and she's my baby. Plus who does something like that when you're not around giving birth...

What should I do...?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/03/2020 12:51

OP, I understand your disappointment and upset. But I think people encouraging you to be fuming are doing you a disservice especially a few days postpartum.

This, at the moment, is a huge deal to you. In the grand scheme of things it's actually a non-issue. On my first child I really did want to do all the "firsts". As his mother, I felt it was my right! I would've even felt this towards my husband. It was MY place to be there for all the firsts. And I honestly would've been very upset if someone had taken those moments from me.

However, a few children later and 14 years under my belt, I'm tired! And I would happily hand any of my children to anyone to bring them anywhere for the first time, and not feel an ounce of sadness!!

Acknowledge your hurt, but don't go for your MIL "fuming". It's not going to achieve anything except make relations between you all very strained as you welcome your new baby to the family.

Bakedbrie · 08/03/2020 12:52

Some poster up thread called the MIL a ‘bitch’ for trimming the fringe. What a horrible over reaction!

MindyStClaire · 08/03/2020 13:13

When we have other threads without a newborn in the mix, people fall all over themselves to say it's a big deal and MIL was out of order.

Exactly, this is the first MIL haircut thread I've seen with so many people telling OP she's BU.

In my books, she's crossed a line and I'd be hugely unimpressed (even with my lovely MIL who has cut the hair of all of the men in the family at one time or another).

DD has a double crown and her hair grew in Eth a fringe naturally. It was either keep it trimmed or grow it out until her hair is long enough for a ponytail. We chose the grow it out route, not entirely sure it was the right choice but it was the choice we made. It meant lots of pinning back with clips and bobbins and was a complete pain in the arse. If anyone other than DH had decided to take it upon themselves to trim it and make that growing out phase last even longer I'd have been seriously unimpressed.

diddl · 08/03/2020 13:48

I think that most people think that MIL overstepped don't they?

But it's how to handle it from now.

Not leaving her in sole charge would probably be the way to go.

I'd also want to know why the hair was cut.

But the husband is OK with it.

Because it was his mum?
Because it's only hair?

Surely Op isn't the only one who can make decisions about her daughter?

Luzina · 08/03/2020 13:54

MIL definitely overstepped. Make it clear that you don't want her to cut your children's hair again. Then move on. Its annoying, upsetting even, but not worth a huge argument.

TorchesTorches · 08/03/2020 14:00

My MIL did this. It was a power and control thing. And you look petty for raising it. My daughter had hardly any hair for the first 4-5 years. Definitely not in her eyes or messy. Every time my daughter played at MIL house (say once a month) she came back with hair that I was 80% certain had been cut. I tried all sorts of tactics. Mentioning it, asking politely, ignoring it Etc etc. Nothing changed or. It used to massively wind me up, but now it doesnt and MIL has stopped and moved onto other power and control tactics. You just have to pick your battles, but there was nothing 'innocent' about it.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/03/2020 14:23

I am so out of step with the rest of the world. It is HAIR who the fuck cares if a toddler or small child gets their hair cut by someone else . It will grow back and as long as the small child doesn't mind, why should I?

I genuinely would not care if someone who was looking after my child while I was in labour gave their hair a trim . If they shaved their head , maybe I'd find that out of order but I still.wount say I would be upset, just more ' what a weird thing to do?'
I appreciate I am obviously the odd one out (on this thread anyway)

angell84 · 08/03/2020 14:30

I also think that it is just bloody hair, and some mothers go totally over the top if anyone looks at , or breathes on their child.

Maybe thank her for looking after your child!

DappledThings · 08/03/2020 14:45

bumblingbovine49 You're not the only one. I don't get the upset either.

onlinelinda · 08/03/2020 15:28

I'm a grandmother and I think the MIL totally overstepped the mark.

MindyStClaire · 08/03/2020 16:26

I am so out of step with the rest of the world. It is HAIR who the fuck cares if a toddler or small child gets their hair cut by someone else . It will grow back and as long as the small child doesn't mind, why should I?

A) as I explained above, the growing it back bit can be a complete pain in the arse.

B) because it shows a lack of respect for boundaries.

makingmammaries · 09/03/2020 10:20

It’s only a fringe. Could it be that it really needed cutting and she wanted to be helpful? Unless it looks awful I would avoid antagonizing her, but then I would give my eye teeth for a MIL ready to help with my kids.

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2020 10:36

Could it be that it really needed cutting and she wanted to be helpful?

Not her decision to make

Gadgnkk · 09/03/2020 10:59

I think it’s poor behaviour. She’s had your dd’s hair cut, knowing that you were giving birth and unable to do anything about it. It’s not really about the hair, it’ll grow. It’s more about the deliberate trampling on of stuff that is up to you whilst you are absent.

angell84 · 09/03/2020 12:17

What annoys me - is, she looked after your kids!

You can't ask her to look after your kids - for no money - and then complain, when she is BOUND to do something that upsets you - because she is only human.

If you want a very professional job - pay a nanny.

monkeymonkey2010 · 09/03/2020 15:12

MIL looked after DD1 (21mnths) for a few hours, this is the first time she has ever done so on her own, as "she doesn't do babies".

So...the first time she babysits this is what she does?
I think she has deliberately done this to be spiteful at being 'forced/put upon' to babysit.

NEVER let her babysit your kids again.

sleepingpup · 09/03/2020 15:17

I'd be furious! She only had her a few hours. It was hardly an emergency and had to be done.

of course it will grow back but wtf?

Summersunandoranges · 09/03/2020 15:19

What annoys me - is, she looked after your kids!

So what. Don’t take the scissors to some one else’s child hair.

You can't ask her to look after your kids - for no money - and then complain, when she is BOUND to do something that upsets you - because she is only human

Actually you can.

Would you give any one carte blanch to anything to your child - just because they were doing free baby sitting?

‘Well DIL I decided to give her a skin head because you’know I did free child care so I can. So there...’

angell84 · 09/03/2020 15:36

@summersunandoranges

But doesn't have to look after the child at all.

And yet she did.

As I said, if you want professional care - pay for a nanny

nickname302 · 09/03/2020 15:51

I would be annoyed by that, it's disrespectful to you and sort of seems like a power play. She would not be looking after my child again any time soon.

sleepingpup · 09/03/2020 16:05

But doesn't have to look after the child at all.

dear god @angell84 OP was giving birth to MiL's other grandchild!

I think it would have been a privilege for most grandparents!

angell84 · 09/03/2020 16:25

@sleepingpup no , it is not a given.

I know about alot of MiL's who do not look after their grandchildren at all.

sleepingpup · 09/03/2020 16:29

Not even as a one off when some one is giving birth?

This was not routine child care. I'd be delighted to help someone in that situation and so would most people I know!

SchrodingersKitty · 09/03/2020 16:37

My grandmother did this with my hair about 53 years ago, when she was looking after me while my mother gave birth to my sister (our dad away on military exercises). My mother never really forgave her! It is such a boundary-step I can't imagine why anyone would do it.

Alsohuman · 09/03/2020 16:41

I think it would have been a privilege for most grandparents!

This Mil doesn’t “do babies”, it’s obviously far from a privilege to her. I suspect there a lot of grandparents who would be delighted never to be asked for childcare. It’s really not a privilege to look after someone else’s child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread