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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL cut DD1 hair whilst I'm in hospital with DD2

193 replies

Alik212 · 07/03/2020 19:46

I have no idea how to react to this other than be incredibly angry and sad for my MIL.

I gave birth on Wed and the MIL looked after DD1 (21mnths) for a few hours, this is the first time she has ever done so on her own, as "she doesn't do babies".

DD1 now looks like shes recieved a hair cut to her fringe.

I think MIL has crossed the line. DH is saying I'm over reacting, but fuck me it can never be undone and she's my baby. Plus who does something like that when you're not around giving birth...

What should I do...?

OP posts:
Aridane · 07/03/2020 21:24

Congratulations on your beautiful new baby!

vhs95 · 07/03/2020 21:24

"I'm sorry you cut her hair as I was really looking forward to doing it myself" might be enough. Congratulations!

Willowkins · 07/03/2020 21:27

It's not about whether the cut looks good or not; it's because you were denied this milestone with your firstborn. Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Windyatthebeach · 07/03/2020 21:29

Haircuts are def on a parents to do list not a dgm's...
She needs telling of this.

Crispyturtle · 07/03/2020 21:31

Well you could give MIL a piece of your mind.

Or

You could bear in mind that it’s just hair, you’ve got two under two now which is hard work, and it might well be worth keeping granny on side for a bit of babysitting every now and then.

EmmiJay · 07/03/2020 21:34

It doesn't matter that its "just hair" or that it will "grow back". Ask for permission to do it first! I'd never say, cut my nephews hair, without even asking my sister. Plus its not my place to do those things...?!

HoppingPavlova · 07/03/2020 21:35

What should I do...?

Sing it Elsa. Unless MIL has given them a mohawk or died it bright pink, it’s not a big deal. It’s a little bit of hair that will grow back so you can then deal with the unruliness and have to spend your time/energy/resource on having it dealt with. One could argue she was a tad misguided but probably thought she was doing you a favour lessening your workload.

Second option is to just thank fuck someone else has dealt with your child and a haircut. None of mine went well with the first hair cut and indeed I had one who kept this almighty shitfest up until roughly 6 years of age. Needless to say they were rocking the man bun way before it ever became a thing due to necessity. If my MIL or indeed any other human on the planet had of been able to manage a trim let alone a cut I would have given them profuse thanks and flowers, not bitched about it. No idea why little people equate hair cuts with an outcome of your head being cut off or your ears being lopped off or scissors sticking through youHmm.

Third option, just enjoy your time with a brand new baby. Be grateful someone living us looking after your older child to allow yourself and husband time with the new one.

TypingError · 07/03/2020 21:36

I think MIL has crossed the line. DH is saying I'm over reacting, but fuck me it can never be undone and she's my baby. Plus who does something like that when you're not around giving birth

Maybe a granny who thinks her granddaughter's hair is in her eyes?
It's just a little bit of fringe. It will grow again very quickly.

What should I do...?

Nothing, really.

Well maybe check that your daughter can see through her fringe.

fuck me it can never be undone and she's my baby

Umm. Well it's just hair and it will grow. Now, if you'd said that she had I love granny tattooed across her chest then I'd agree that was way out of order.

Hair grows really fast. The fringe will be back in a fortnight and no harm done. However, not seeking your approval is the issue here

People don't always 'think' They think they are doing something to help, but you don't see it that way. I had a baby when my older child was only 18 months. We had no parental support whatsoever. I had a C-section and did not have any visitors at all except my husband and my 18 month old daughter. She had a majorly snotty nose. The nurses cleaned her nose and put her shoes on the right feet before they allowed them in to see me. (Dad had put her new shiny shoes on the wrong feet)

Basically, from my own experience, I think your complaint is petty.
Having a familiar grandparent looking after your children is a massive plus.

Both of my parents died before my children were born.
Thank goodness though It's avoided all the arguments about fringe cutting,

Nanny0gg · 07/03/2020 21:39

Maybe a granny who thinks her granddaughter's hair is in her eyes?
It's just a little bit of fringe. It will grow again very quickly

So you put a clip in it.

I would never dream of cutting any of my DGC hair unless I was expressly asked to take them to a hairdresser.

Windyatthebeach · 07/03/2020 21:42

Next time maybe granny will think she would suit earrings...
Don't keep quiet op.
Your dh needs to man the fuck up.
A man scared to face up to his dm is not attractive..

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 21:48

He only said she was over reacting, that doesn’t sound very scared to me!

Windinmyhair · 07/03/2020 21:48

Ask her what she did and why?

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. That is if you don't know already? Is she one to make a power play? Was that what this was?

If so, obviously, not acceptable.

Or is she a helpful soul who would be mortified to think you were upset and she likely just didn't think?

DappledThings · 07/03/2020 21:55

I assume she didn't save a lock of hair for you to put in her baby book then. And you will be reminded of it in future when you look at photos of DD and her new baby sibling. I would be pissed off.

Why are you assuming that everyone has a baby book and keeps hair? I have neither. Pretty sure it's not a universal requirement.

Twillow · 07/03/2020 21:56

Ok it's a bit upsetting at this moment particularly with raging hormones and a bit of a line crossed hopefully without malice aforethought BUT in the grand scheme of things I'd let it go for this reason

You could bear in mind that it’s just hair, you’ve got two under two now which is hard work, and it might well be worth keeping granny on side for a bit of babysitting every now and then.

Twillow · 07/03/2020 21:57

And with my babies now grown, that lock of hair and those baby teeth have kind of utterly lost their significance and the kids themselves couldn't give a hoot either. It will fade and you will laugh about it, honestly.

LightDrizzle · 07/03/2020 22:03

My MIL cut my five year old’s fringe that we were growing out. It was always secured to one side in a clip or a bobble. DD1 was upset at the time because she was old enough to have an opinion but MIL knew best. It was cut incredibly short, so she looked like Boris Karloff.
We didn’t learn and she went to stay with them again, this time DD1 spoke to us on the phone and said something had happened but she wasn’t allowed to tell us! Despite my husband, her son, insisting to his mother that she tell us, she refused. He drove down and collected her that night and she had a large dressing on her hand. Their dog had bitten her on the fleshy base of the thumb and she’d had hospital treatment and a tetanus injection. They never had her without us present again. MIL has form previously but nothing as extreme.
In contrast, when DD1 stayed with my mum aged around three, unbeknownst to mum there was a tiny shard of something sharp in the bathtub with her and it nicked her bum. It was tiny but bled for a very short while. Mum rang me within an hour, horrified, to let me know and asked if I wanted to collect her, although DD1 was happy in her jamas with a plaster on her bum.
Some grandparents just can’t accept that the parents have the authority.
I’d never dream getting my future grandchildren’s hair cut, unless I’d been ask to. It’s way out of line.

lljkk · 07/03/2020 22:04

It would never cross my mind to be cross about this as long as it looks basically ok (which considering how bad it would look if I tried to trim the hair, means a pretty low bar).

It sounds like MIL only trimmed the fringe & not anything else on the hair.

soupey1 · 07/03/2020 22:08

YANBU, it is a big deal.DH needs to realise that his mother has crossed a line and it is not ok.
Yes the hair will grow back but that is not the point, she took advantage of the fact that she had your daughter alone to exert her power and undermine you. You or more importantly your husband need to make it clear to her how unacceptable this was and that she simply cannot be trusted going forward.

BlueSpotty · 07/03/2020 22:11

I'd be really pissed off too! It's the sort of thing my mother used to do when my DD1 was a baby (I am now NC with my parents). She even started DD on solids at 12 weeks behind my back!

Charlesthekingcavalier · 07/03/2020 22:11

Ffs it’s only a haircut and a fringe at that

banannabreadforme · 07/03/2020 22:25

I'd be livid! What was she thinking?! Do you have a good relationship with her? It cant be undone so I'd tell her that's not ok, dont do it again and then brush it under the carpet. And congratulations on your new baby.

Triggahippy · 07/03/2020 22:28

I’d be really annoyed. You don’t just go cutting children’s hair when they aren’t yours!

Therarestone · 07/03/2020 22:32

It can never be undone.. It's hair. It grows, choose where you are focusing your energy now

TypingError · 07/03/2020 22:38

and it might well be worth keeping granny on side for a bit of babysitting every now and then

What a fucking liberty!

I'm a potential granny And I find that concept demeaning and offensive,

Keep her on side in order to 'use; her.

That's outside what normal people would think.

OlaEliza · 07/03/2020 22:43

it isn't the end of the world

It will grow back

That's not the point. The op don't get that first little lock to keep now or take her own daughter for her first haircut.

I think the mil is completely out of order and op is totally justified to go ballistic at her.

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