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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Food Taker

342 replies

Daisyhut · 07/03/2020 15:02

I am probably being unreasonable but this is really starting to bug me. I have a lovely friend who is nice and kind. However, every time that we go out to lunch she helps herself to my food and to my children's food.

We lunch about twice a week and she always orders a small dish or side plate for herself. She says that she is not hungry. I will order food for me and my three Dc (all under 4).

When the food comes she always just digs into our food. On Thursday she ate most of my kids chips, carrot sticks and guacamole. She also ate several of my Haloumi fries. She did not do it absentmindedly. She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole". I always order extra for the kids when we are with her so that they get enough to eat.

I am 100% sure that she has no financial issues and she is not dieting. Apart from this flaw she is lovely. I would never take her food so it is not something she has seen me do. If I mention it to her she may be offended.

YABU: Don't say anything it is just food.
YANBU: Mention it and risk upsetting her

OP posts:
datasgingercatspot · 08/03/2020 13:43

JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD

We all went out one time with a guy (in a group that was mostly men) who tried to do this with our beer (that we were buying by the pitcher. He ordered water, fine, we thought, well, maybe he doesn't drink. He gulped it and then reached over to grab one of the pitchers with 'I'll just a little taste'. Believe me, men would never put up with the OP's situation, that would have been stopped the first time she tried it, but with beer! One of the other guys pulled the pitcher back, 'No way! You want any, you have to pay in like the rest of us. No one gets free beer here.'

Turns out he was just cheap. He tried it again at a meal, ordered a starter, ate it and then asked for 'tastes' of other peoples' meal. Men just called him out. 'Order your own food!' And then never asked him to join in again.

StillDisappointed · 08/03/2020 15:36

This would piss me off so much. If anyone touches my daughters food she refuses to eat anymore, myself included.

Just ask her why she feels the need to take food from hungry children? Or stop eating out with her. I couldn't meet her anymore, it would irritate me too much.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/03/2020 00:16

I'm struggling to get around the idea of somebody 'just having a taste'. What legitimate intention could there possibly be to this, if not to get free food? How is it not just a faux-euphemistic way of saying "I'm going to help myself to a freebie at your direct expense"?

I recall in one of the classic CF threads, somebody was a student and a 'friend' would always arrive at meal-prep times and start helping herself to the best bits (chunks of meat etc) from her meal, whilst it was still cooking.

Surely, when having a meal, you're aware that it's just one of thousands of potential options, many of which would also be lovely alternatives, but which you'll never have chance (or need) to sample all of. If it's a cafe/restaurant that you both regularly frequent, you could easily work your way through the menu over a number of weeks/months and then get a really good big taste of each dish that you want to which you've ordered and paid for yourself.

Thesuzle · 09/03/2020 00:29

Get the kids to sneeze loudly and very wetly over their food, yumm

Dustarr73 · 09/03/2020 10:36

Don't worry honk the op is coming back

tiggerkid · 09/03/2020 10:50

If you can't tell her to stop doing that, stop meeting for food. Meet for coffee/tea instead. I am assuming she isn't helping herself to your drinks too?

FilledSoda · 09/03/2020 15:00

Sneezing over food ?
That's just disgusting and teaching the kids to be dicks ,
You just need to say 'don't touch the kids food , they need it '.
You say your children aren't going hungry as if that's alright then but you're letting your friend disrespect then . This is when your instincts should kick in , stand up for your kids !
Don't throw them under the bus to be polite , particularly to someone so rude .

Daftodil · 09/03/2020 15:31

"Hey, Gannet Jackson, get your own guacamole!"

amusedbush · 09/03/2020 15:51

What’s with the need for lies and excuses? I dislike confrontation as much as the next person but sometimes you just need to tell someone to piss off.

My mother is similarly rude. I was at a family thing last weekend and, no exaggeration, every single time someone else started talking she would talk over them with her own story. Not a single person managed to finish a sentence without her speaking. She tried it when I was speaking to my auntie and I finally said loudly, ‘do NOT cut me off again’ and she just giggled and put her hand over her mouth in a oh-what-am-I-like sort of way.

Rudeness is difficult to stamp out, you have to keep at it.

Daftodil · 09/03/2020 15:53

If you don't want to confront directly, then say something like "do you mind waiting until the kids have finished? They always ask for snacks in the afternoon so I'm a bit concerned they aren't eating enough. I just want to keep an eye on how much is actually going in."

Or "I'm a bit worried about coronovirus so I'm trying to instill in them not to share food from other people's plates"

Or if she says "oh, I can't wait to try the guacamole", that is your opportunity to say "ok, let's get 2 portions of that then so there's enough to share"

Or state upfront "those halloumi fries were nice last week. I'm getting them again - full disclosure, I'm not sharing any this week!"

Scoobydoobywho · 09/03/2020 16:12

Not quite the same thing but close enough. My dh and I were having something to eat at I think it was called The Outback Shack or similar. The waiter thought my dh had finished eating and went to clear his plate away, dh proceeded to growl at the waiter, much to everyone's amusement.

oldspaniel · 09/03/2020 16:14

You can make it clear without offending her, just before you order "kids and I are ravenous so we're looking forward to our lunch and won't be sharing, are you hungry?"

mbosnz · 09/03/2020 16:24

I'm afraid I'd just put my hand over whatever plate she's going for, and say, 'no, that's X's. If you want some, you need to get your own. This is for them, and only for them. It's not appropriate to help yourself to someone else's food and I'm not having my kids learning this behaviour.'

I'm sure she would get upset and embarrassed. But I'm also sure she wouldn't do it again. My job as a parent, teaching my kids good manners, and advocating for them, comes ahead of allowing a friend to be a CF because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

MadamShazam · 09/03/2020 16:25

The next time she phones to arrange meeting for lunch, why don't you say "I'd love to meet for lunch, but only if you promise not to pinch mine and the kids food!" And if she questions what you mean, be honest and say the kids get upset, and if she wants to try something, then just order it herself. She really is a CF!

hellsbellsmelons · 09/03/2020 16:25

Wow - when you are off to lunch next OP?
I need to know what happens???

livefornaps · 09/03/2020 20:16

Say "are you stocking up for winter? Are you aiming to consume double the normal number of calories? Because it seems that way and it seems to be working"

SunshineCake · 09/03/2020 22:10

No, don't say that. Stupid suggestion.

MumW · 09/03/2020 23:34

What @mbosnz suggests gets my vote.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2020 23:53

"she always orders a small dish or side plate for herself. She says that she is not hungry."

It's at the point of ordering that I think I'd intervene.

'You're not hungry? I'll hold you to that ! First sign of you helping yourself off anyone else's plate and it's a wrist-slap for you! '.

'You always say you're not hungry and then you eat half of mine and the kids! Seriously, just order properly - it's obvious that garlic bread just isn't enough for an adult.'

Keep smiling as you say it.

ChristmasCarcass · 09/03/2020 23:55

You either tell her directly (and I agree with a PP that you seem to have no issue with confrontation on here).

Or you go the passive aggressive route, and order two of everything, and give all the second portions to her when they arrive “because you always eat all of ours and it upsets the children”. If she has any shame whatsoever, a couple of weeks of that should stop her.

But of course she will still be offended, because you are drawing attention to her extremely rude behaviour. There is no way to ask her to change her behaviour whilst maintaining the polite fiction that she isn’t eating all of your children’s food, if that is what you are looking for. The only to ensure there is no disharmony, is to keep doing exactly what she wants, and let her keep on eating all of your children’s food.

Winterwoollies · 10/03/2020 07:25

Embarrass her into stopping by saying: “Do you have a worm or something? You always steal my kids’ food when we come out. If you’re hungry, order something else.” And laugh. At her.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/03/2020 07:43

I don't think subtle hints would work with this friend.
My dc were brought up believing that this type of behaviour is rude and unacceptable.
I would never allow anyone to do this, ever, it's a total no no to me.
I would say "Do you mind."
The same as I would if someone was sweating at my dc it's just totally wrong.
If you can't bring yourself to do that, then as soon as her food arrives take half and bite into it.
She is a prime example of how money does not buy class.

billy1966 · 10/03/2020 07:51

So disrespectful of the children and their food.

What an awful message to be sending to children......anyone can just take anything from them....even the food they are eating.

OP, I honestly don't know how you have sat there and allowed that.

She needs to be told very clearly that she is being extremely rude.

Trunkysaurus · 10/03/2020 08:03

@billy1966

OP, I honestly don't know how you have sat there and allowed that

The answer is simple. She would rather not offend some random woman than parent her own kids.

Astrid09 · 10/03/2020 08:43

@Daisyhut taking food of your plate is one thing you're an adult and able to stick up for yourself, but the fact you allow her to take from your kids and allow that is so wrong. What is it teaching them? It shows they don't need to ask anybody if the want something they can just take it.!
You seriously need to have words with her, ordering extra for your kids isn't the point, they're to you g to voice leave my food alone you're supposed to be their mum and voice what's not right for them, how long have you allowed your "friend" to steal from your kids because that's what's she's doing. What happens when your kids are in nursery and start taking other children's snacks? They'd think it's ok. Please do something now. Explain to your friend your teaching them manners. Be the voice your children need their mum to be.