CF Food Taker

[Daisyhut]

I am probably being unreasonable but this is really starting to bug me. I have a lovely friend who is nice and kind. However, every time that we go out to lunch she helps herself to my food and to my children's food.

We lunch about twice a week and she always orders a small dish or side plate for herself. She says that she is not hungry. I will order food for me and my three Dc (all under 4).

When the food comes she always just digs into our food. On Thursday she ate most of my kids chips, carrot sticks and guacamole. She also ate several of my Haloumi fries. She did not do it absentmindedly. She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole". I always order extra for the kids when we are with her so that they get enough to eat.

I am 100% sure that she has no financial issues and she is not dieting. Apart from this flaw she is lovely. I would never take her food so it is not something she has seen me do. If I mention it to her she may be offended.

YABU: Don't say anything it is just food.
YANBU: Mention it and risk upsetting her

"Oh, oops [DC name], looks like [CF name] has taken your food again! Not to worry, I brought some snacks for after as I remember how hungry you were last time!" brought

Or, the first time she does it:

"Ah... are you planning to have any more of DC's food? Let me know now if you are, because I'll go and order more so they have enough."

If that genuinely doesn't embarrass her into stopping, you have a license to be as blunt as you want.

@Howyiz I am guessing you are a friend of Grumplstiltskin. Grumplstiltskin was abusive and that is why MNHQ removed her posts.

That would drive me mad. My 3yo would say something, i wouldn't have to!

I know someone who does this, they eat their own very quickly, then start on other peoples plates. The reason is simply that they’re greedy, and see it as fair game for some odd reason. Tried it with me once and I just said very surprised ‘what are you doing, those are my chips?’ They muttered an excuse but they never tried it again with me. You need to tell her to stop.

If she does it again, turn to your children and ask if they want some of the packed lunch and lean over towards it while asking them. If not Covid virus is the perfect excuse to stop.

Now you're just paranoid! I am not the only person to call you out on your responses to @Grumplstilltskin by a long chalk! Wind your neck in!

This sounds awful. However I would have said something the first time it happened, in a light way but something like ‘Are you still hungry? I’ll keep an eye on baby while you go and order something. No really, I don’t mind! She’ll be fine with us while you go.’ I can’t imagine tolerating someone taking my children’s food right off their plates.
Once it’s an established pattern I really don’t know how to politely deal with it (since you want to maintain the friendship). I would HAVE to stop the lunches.

The think is @Daisyhut if you where as fortright to your df as you are to some of the posters,you wouldnt be having this problem

Seriously why on earth haven't you said anything, I will never cease to be amazed at how much people put up with from so called friends and loved ones because they don't "like confrontation", no wonder they get taken advantage of. What an example to show your children.

My SIL does this, she will tell us she doesn’t want any dinner, she will just keep us company chatting and then help herself to food from kids’ plates. She does this seemingly absentmindedly and she is otherwise a gorgeous generous person. In this case it is related to her history of eating disorders but we call her up on it every time, lovingly and smiling “oi, that’s DS’s food, do you want a plate?”

I appreciate with your friend it’s extra awkward because it’s gone on for a while. Do you think that she may have an unhealthy relationship with food? I agree with PPs that you need to stop it for your DCs’ sake. Just tell her kindly but firmly next time she reaches for your food that you would love it if she didn’t eat the food off your plates. I don’t think you need to go into explanations or make elaborate back stories. I’m sure she will get it if she’s a decent person and you clearly care for her.

Op, it could be an issue with food. My friend who did it is very thin, yours is very over weight. Two sides of the one coin.

Your friend can also walk away from the table and say oh I only had some garlic bread, or I only had a starter, I didn’t actually have lunch.and feel virtuous.

What she eats of everyone else’s food doesn’t count, as it didn’t with my friend.

It’s an unusual mindset but I’ve witnessed it with my friend many a time, she would eat a shit ton literally of everyone else’s and all the sides, but because she only ordered a starter, or in many cases ordered absolutely nothing, she’d declare she didn’t actually have a meal.

We used to order loads of sides so she could eat those too. At the end of the meal, even though she said she didn’t eat she always paid her share on an even split, so the same as everyone else, and wouldn’t not pay, argued it, so I suspect she knew what she was eating and that’s why she insisted on paying, but she’d still declare she never had dinner or whatever and say how virtuous she’d been.

If it is an issue with food, you’re into a territory that’s much more sensitive than you’d wish, and I’d tread very carefully. People’s reactions to being called out on something that’s about their weight or eating habits can often not be rationale.

Use kids as excuse, tell her you don't want them picking up food from other plates bad habits @Daisyhut

Ask her to stop.she is being rude, but it in the bud now. I am always happy to offer my plate up if someone wants something off it before I start. After I have started eating though we betide anyone who touches the food on my plate. I do not like it. My dh would do it until I stabbed him gently with a fork.

*Nip it in the bud

She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole" The only response to that is ‘Oh, you’ve ordered some have you?’

I agree if your friend is very overweight or could be a mix of shame and compulsion. So shame causing her to order only a small amount of food for herself but then not being able to help herself to the food around her.

The more I think about it though the weirder it is to take food of childrens plates who aren't yours. The only thing I can think of that genuinely wont cause offense because it involves completely avoiding the issue, is changing the dynamic and bringing packed lunches for after play group, or getting a coffee instead with packed food again for the DC?

I would also feel uncomfortable bringing up food related issues to her given the context, but you're right to not allow this to continue as it really is poor behaviour on her part, regardless of the underlying reasons.

OP, this is really easy to deal with.

It is simply really really rude to take food from other people's platesunless invited to

All you need to do is tell her that it has been annoying you for some time and you want her to stop doing it, the alternative being that you will no longer meet up for meals.

I had a friend’ like your’s and had to put an end to our friendship as it got very embarrassing.
She was always on the take and had no boundaries.
Yes I understand that some people struggle with boundaries but in our case it was always take, take, take and not just with food.
Good luck OP, it’s really hard to deal with folk like this, particularly if you hate confrontation.

Oh you shouldn't have to order extra because of fear your kids won't have enough, that's wrong, and surly enough of a reason to be bold enough to say something. If you don't draw a line now it will only get worse as they get bigger.

I imagine you have children similar age to hers, I FB she wants to snack, she should buy her kid a meal.

I understand where people are coming from with it, but I honestly don't think someone with eating disorder would stand there doing "Oh. Can't wait to try the guacamole" Someone else is ordering...

I feel for you OP this sounds awkward.

I would say ( breezily) as you all ordered

"Now, CF , I want the kids to eat all their food today, do you need to order more? "

And then place yourself between her and them

If she leans to get bits from their plates

( breezily ) "No, Remember I want them to it all" ( Big Smile) .

And then ( big smile ) I tnink it's good for them to learn not to share food from their plates don't you? ( big smile )

She has issues of some sort but there we are.

Good Luck

It doesn’t have to be an eating disorder, It can be someone who doesn’t wish to appear greedy, because of their Weight, they don’t want to be seen to be eating much, and In their heads they are only “trying” it. It’s innocuous.

She’s still not ordering a meal for herself, she’s just having a “taste” of what’s on the table she’s not being greedy and ordering a whole portion for herself. She’s being good, she walks away from the table and thinks she only had a starter.

Honestly you’d be surprised how people can justify it in their heads.

You see it on the dessert threads, people say they don’t want dessert, they are being good, then try to hoover up half of someone else’s. Saying they just want to try it. Or they order salad, and then try to nick someone else’s chips, saying they only want a couple, but stuff them down constantly.

They then walk away from the table saying they didn’t have dessert, or they only had salad. It’s really not that unusal, it’s just how extreme it is.

Tell her it's a really bad example to set your DCs.