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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Food Taker

342 replies

Daisyhut · 07/03/2020 15:02

I am probably being unreasonable but this is really starting to bug me. I have a lovely friend who is nice and kind. However, every time that we go out to lunch she helps herself to my food and to my children's food.

We lunch about twice a week and she always orders a small dish or side plate for herself. She says that she is not hungry. I will order food for me and my three Dc (all under 4).

When the food comes she always just digs into our food. On Thursday she ate most of my kids chips, carrot sticks and guacamole. She also ate several of my Haloumi fries. She did not do it absentmindedly. She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole". I always order extra for the kids when we are with her so that they get enough to eat.

I am 100% sure that she has no financial issues and she is not dieting. Apart from this flaw she is lovely. I would never take her food so it is not something she has seen me do. If I mention it to her she may be offended.

YABU: Don't say anything it is just food.
YANBU: Mention it and risk upsetting her

OP posts:
WalkingDeadTrainee · 07/03/2020 22:01

@Bluntness100 they can justify it how they want to in their heads, but it is still a rude behaviour which needs to be called up. In a polite way, but it needs to. Being fat is not an excuse for bad behaviour. And that's me saying as size 20.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/03/2020 22:03

This is just a slightly different version of the popular CF trick of ordering the lobster and three glasses of champagne whilst you have the salad and a coke at a traditional restaurant (where you settle the bill at the end) and then pressuring you to split the bill equally. As it's a pay-when-you-order place, this avenue isn't open to her so her simple workaround is to significantly underpay for what she wants to eat upfront and then make sure afterwards that she has all of the food that she wanted to eat (but planned on getting somebody else to largely pay for).

Taking your own food for an 18mo is also very cheeky. If it were a 6mo with specialist baby food, I'd see no issue, but if she's old enough to have a 'packed lunch' taken for her then surely her mum could order and pay for a children's meal for her. In fact, as she's only 18mo and children's meals are often designed to satisfy kids up to 10 or 12, she'd probably not manage to eat most of it and a lot would be left - which is then the perfect solution to her mum's favoured eating habits: she can eat the food that she has paid for herself and which her DC will not be able to eat as opposed to eating the food that you have paid for and which your DC will eat.

Incidentally, how would she react if you reached into her handbag and into her purse and took a few pounds to pay for parking or even just to pay for your food at the counter? You absolutely wouldn't dream of doing something like that for a split second, would you? And if you did, she would react absolutely horrified, wouldn't she? What she's doing isn't effectively different in any way at all.

sleepingpup · 07/03/2020 22:03

But Trunky you're not OP.

You sound as if you're up for confrontation. OP is not. Takes all types.

And she wants to keep the friendship. Not to hard to understand.

Rationalbutangrycat · 07/03/2020 22:06

NRFT - but picked up enough, to think @Bluntness100 and others on same page, have it got the underlying issue.
Its psychological denial as to how much she is eating or not wanting to eat too much 'obviously' in a public place.

Invite her home and have a buffet type lunch and see how she copes?

I haven't got an answer, but Id be relunctant to go in all guns blazing in case I made a bad situation worse.

I was going to suggest you are teaching your children to stop taking things off other plates, but I see that's been already been suggested.

upaladderagain · 07/03/2020 22:06

Well the whole "be nice" thing is going frightfully well isn't it?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/03/2020 22:07

she also felt that it was OK to continually dig a spoon into my pudding too. I sometimes suggested that perhaps she should order her own pudding, but she maintained that she wouldn't be able to eat all of it. I wanted to say, "well I would like to eat all mine".

She wouldn't be able to eat all of it, so she'd end up paying for half of a dessert that she didn't eat, which would clearly be unacceptable. Oddly enough, it's perfectly fine for you to do that, though.... Hmm

Trunkysaurus · 07/03/2020 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dustarr73 · 07/03/2020 22:13

@Daisyhut How much extra is it costing you every week to feed your df.

BorisTheBellend · 07/03/2020 22:17

While ordering food next time say 'friend you should order your own portions as I'm teaching the kids it's rude to take food off someone else's plate.' If she doesn't like it then tough, she shouldn't be so rude.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/03/2020 22:18

I’d just tell her to order something more substantial than usual - I’d really rather she didn’t nick half my kids’ food.
If she doesn’t like it, tough.

People who won’t order e.g. chips on some sort of virtuous principle, and then nick other people’s, really piss me off.

Harakeke · 07/03/2020 22:26

What’s with the angry people on this thread? 😮

Some good ideas here. I had this problem with my sister. Except she was asking if she could have a chip or whatever, the kids would say “no” and she would still take it.

I framed it as a consent issue - ie, we tell them that saying no means no, but you’re trampling over that. She got it, and was embarrassed, and didn’t do it again.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/03/2020 22:27

If it's an eating disorder and/or denial and nothing to do with being tight, there's absolutely nothing stopping her from offering to treat you all sometimes. Buying plenty for everybody and saying something like "I'm sure your growing kids will be very hungry, so I'll get them loads - but I'll just have a side order for me". That way, she could easily appropriate some of the food that was ostensibly bought 'for them' and then everybody gets enough, she pays her way and she gets to pretend to herself that she 'just tasted somebody else's food'.

If there were any doubt at all, the fact that she takes a packed lunch for her DD instead of paying for her is cast-iron proof that it's not down to an eating disorder. I'm surprised the cafe owner hasn't pulled her up on this at 18mo.

upaladderagain · 07/03/2020 22:32

Trunkysaurus, absolutely. I mean those people here who are being thoroughly unpleasant to someone with a problem asking for advice on how to handle it without losing their friend.

Ginfordinner · 07/03/2020 22:33

Harakeke I think posters are frustrated with the OP who refuses to deal with the problem when a simple "please stop stealing our food" or "get your own food" would suffice. If it keeps happening then the OP's friend now has the message that it is OK to keep stealing her food.

springydaff · 07/03/2020 22:34

If she is a compulsive eater a buffet would be heaven/hell on earth. She simply wouldn't be able to stop herself.

The thing about compulsive eating is you simply can't stop. Even when it's pissing everyone off and is blatantly rude and inappropriate. And YY to kidding yourself you've not really eaten much while hoovering up the leftovers by the truckload.

In this case she's not even waiting for leftovers. You could maybe be straight and honest and say you've been dreading approaching the subject because you value her and don't want to lose the friendship BUT you really don't like it when she eats the kids and your food. It's a risk but maybe worth it.

And don't post in AIBU again! Chat would have been more appropriate for this or even Relationships. AIBU is usually vicious, people letting of steam. It's known for it.

Grumpelstilskin · 07/03/2020 22:41

@Trunkysaurus It’s ok. In the greater scheme of things, I’d rather MN deletes too many than too little posts, including my own. Dem is the house rules while we’re under their virtual roof.

springydaff · 07/03/2020 22:42

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll your username made me laugh out loud!

Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 00:22

I once had a friend exactly like the one @Bluntness100 mentions. She was overweight and always on a diet so she would order something tiny for herself, then take from everyone else's meals. In her mind she had only had what she ordered.

It's a tricky situation OP and with some of the advice on this thread, I'm surprised some people have any friends. If I were you I'd probably try what someone said upthread about asking if that's all she's ordering because you're all starving and not sharing.

Zombiemum1946 · 08/03/2020 00:31

Eating disorder ?

LorenzoStDubois · 08/03/2020 00:38

Thats very annoying.
You need to tell her straight.

biwinoone · 08/03/2020 01:33

Don't tell her that your kids have pin worms or any kind of illness. IME karma is real and comes to bite in my backside when I say things like that. Be direct with her.

Next time when says says that she can't wait to try something kids have ordered do mention that how? she hasn't ordered any. Or tell her to order it then if she wants to try it. There are many ways of tell her to buy her own food in a nice way.

I would hate it when people would share my kid's food. I have relatives who did that. Mine was a terrible eater and wouldn't get to eat much. I had to stop them from sharing a plate with my child and say to them that I need to keep any eye on how much my child is eating so please let them eat their food separately.

I also hate to share food with my ILs. Whenever we would eat from the same dish they would just inhale it all and I would be left hungry. I then mentioned it to my husband who then started putting things away for me and mention it to them that I was going hungry because I don't get much. Luckily that put an end to eating from one dish.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2020 01:41

Bluntness100 they can justify it how they want to in their heads, but it is still a rude behaviour which needs to be called up. In a polite way, but it needs to. Being fat is not an excuse for bad behaviour. And that's me saying as size 20

Totally agree it’s rude, but I don’t even think it’s always weight related. We see people do it all the time, or a variety of it. “Oh I won’t have dessert”, then try to eat half their companions dessert. Or “I’ll just have salad”, then try to eat their companions chips.

They put it under the guise of “being good” and they are just having. “ a little bit” or “ a taste” or “ a couple of chips” . Its really not that uncommon. And yes it’s rude. But what this woman is doing is really no different.

She orders something small, then she’s “ just trying it” or “ having a couple of chips” “just tasting the guacamole” what every it is, it’s the exact same behaviour as the person who doesn’t order dessert then tries to eat their companions, or orders salad and tries to eat someone else’s chips.

The4thSandersonSister · 08/03/2020 02:29

You've shown you can be assertive when you want to be. So you need to decide if this issue is more or less important to you than clapping back online. We can all be Billy Big Balls online, but if it's that important to you really need to say something to her. If not just keep travelling on as is.

The teaching you children table manners sees to be the best bet, and least likely to cause offence if that's your worry.

CorianderLord · 08/03/2020 02:46

If she's a real friend then mentioning it and saying can she not should be ok. If she gets angry she's not a friend

CorianderLord · 08/03/2020 02:47

If just my food I'd slap her hand but your KIDS food! No

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