Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
Tessie87 · 06/03/2020 13:22

It's a tricky one! That seems ridiculously extravagant to me but the cultural aspects mean you're going to have to tread pretty carefully with this one. Would all your family and friends need to travel to the wedding?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/03/2020 13:22

I would wonder if this is going to be the first of many cultural clashes.

Are you expected to then move in with the family permanently? Would you be expected to do the same for your own dc if and when you have them?

ecrit · 06/03/2020 13:22

Oh god I feel you.

I worked with an Indian lady who was from a wealthy Indian family (brahmin I believe) and she returned to India to get married and it was crazy how enormous the wedding was. Villages of people in attendance.

I have absolutely no idea how you’re going to address this because it is so ingrained in their culture.

Good luck to you Flowers

BlueJava · 06/03/2020 13:23

I also think that money is ridiculous for a wedding, but then I've been with DP for 25 years and we still aren't married! However, I think in this case if you marry the man then you'll be marrying the culture. I think it would be impossible for the ILs to not put on this "show". There will be many more times where you have exactly this sort of dilemma - it might be time to have a good think about whether or not that's how you want your life to be or not. Sorry, but I guess you didn't want to hear that.

Cocobean30 · 06/03/2020 13:25

Oh OP this is going to be a bit of a nightmare for you. I agree that’s such a waste of money when you could live in comfort stress free with it or buy an amazing house Sad good luck

FriedasCarLoad · 06/03/2020 13:25

Could you also have a small, intimate British wedding? Please everyone?

Every mixed Indian/U.K. couple I know did this, with a wedding in each country.

19lottie82 · 06/03/2020 13:26

My Asian friend got married and had an Asian wedding and a western one. Can you not have a small legal wedding and then allow your PILs to throw you a huge wedding party? I know it might make you feel uncomfortable but can you put up with it for family relations? It’s only 1 day and although you don’t approve of the costs, you’re not paying for it?

cakeandchampagne · 06/03/2020 13:26

Has she told you yet about all her plans for your future babies?

19lottie82 · 06/03/2020 13:26

Surely you can teach some middle ground here?

Choufleur · 06/03/2020 13:27

Where are you going to be living after the wedding? In India? If you are from a different country could you argue to have the wedding where you are from if you will be living there after marriage?

19lottie82 · 06/03/2020 13:28

Has she told you yet about all her plans for your future babies?

That’s a little bit harsh, the in-laws May been controlling but what the OP describes is standard for Indian culture, a culture which is very important to them.

lostguider · 06/03/2020 13:28

My friend has this issue and they resolved it by having 2 weddings. The first a small, immediate family wedding and then a week later they had the large Indian wedding. Everyone was happy and both families appreciated the compromise everyone had made.

Sparklfairy · 06/03/2020 13:29

What is your idea of a perfect wedding?

You are going to be part of this family for (hopefully) the rest of your life, so I don't think you can just 'veto' it. It would ostracise you completely.

Can you plan your ideal wedding, and still let MIL plan hers? If she (they?) don't like this idea then I would be thinking that they expect you to have respect for their culture but in turn have no respect for yours.

JellyNo15 · 06/03/2020 13:30

I agree with the advice above. You aren't even engaged yet and you foresee a major stumble block. Is fine if you have a baby together? I would have a good think about if this relationship is the right one for you. Love doesn't conquer all.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 06/03/2020 13:30

Will you be living in India or the UK?

I think when you marry a person from a different culture, you have to embrace the culture and family along with the person you are marrying.

It goes both ways obviously

Not an easy call, why is it between you and MIL? What does your partner want?

Lazypuppy · 06/03/2020 13:30

Surely this isn't a suprise? I don't think there is much you can do

GinDrinker00 · 06/03/2020 13:31

Can’t you have two? First one just a small one, second one what your DP and ILs want? YANBU though, I wouldn’t enjoy that at all.

Lockheart · 06/03/2020 13:31

If there's no wiggle room from either side to meet in the middle then it sounds like you're not culturally compatible unfortunately.

I won't tell you what to do, but if he's already prioritising his mother's wants over yours when you're not even married yet then you need to realise this is how your entire marriage will be - not just the wedding day.

KC225 · 06/03/2020 13:32

Are his parents paying for the big wedding?

If so, can you arrange a small intimate wedding of your choosing and pay for that, then let his parents arrange the one of their choice.

katy1213 · 06/03/2020 13:33

Could you have an intimate wedding in the UK that you fund yourselves? And then if your mother-in-law chooses to blow her entire life savings on an Indian wedding, then it won't be your 'real' wedding just an enormous party at which you're guests-of-honour? If you're not emotionally involved, you probably won't hate it so much.

But make sure there are no cultural expectations about moving in to live with her - or vice versa!
IF you really loathe the idea you need to stop hinting and tell her straight out that it's your cultural expectation that you enjoy your wedding day!

LazyFace · 06/03/2020 13:33

Ooooh... We could meet up, I'd become your friend and then it's only be 2999. 😀

I've always wanted to go to a proper big Indian wedding.

anothernewyear · 06/03/2020 13:34

If it was me I wouldn't be marrying at all. The culture is far too different. It wont end with the wedding. It'll be a lifetime of you having to do what is expected. That's a no from me. People can be in a happy relationship without the marriage certificate.

OhCaptain · 06/03/2020 13:34

Usually I’d say it’s up to you but I know weddings like this can be massively, massively important in Indian culture.

Plus, as your future DH says, it really is more about the parents!

I’ve been to one and my god it was an experience! I LOVED it. But I would have fainted of mortification halfway through the elephant right and plummeted to my death if it was me. Probably would have ruined the wedding.

So I’m not much help but I do think you have to consider there will be massive cultural issues here!

ZoeandChandon · 06/03/2020 13:34

Already sounds like you have a dh problem, not a mil problem.

pooopypants · 06/03/2020 13:34

My DH is Indian and it was similar to how you describe OP. We had a very low key (register office) legal marriage and then a big of a do at night. The next time we travelled to India we had a full on ceremony, complete with tents, 3 days of eating, the works.

I think 2 ceremonies is the compromise here, let them do the wedding they want in India, you do what you like here. I assume that you'll be living in the UK afterwards?

FWIW, my MIL, although lovely, was very keen on grandchildren and let me know this from the get go. Even asking me if I was going to quit my job to 'concentrate on having children' Hmm. Please don't be surprised when / if she corners you to ask if you're trying etc, mine got me once in the back seat of a car, on a painfully boring drive, and asked me if my cycle was regular. Nope, I'm not joking.

Swipe left for the next trending thread