to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

Honestly I'd just let them do it - it's their money and I imagine recusal will set you up as a difficult DIL.

Could you have a private official ceremony a couple of days before?

If you love him and want to marry him you have to respect the culture you are marrying into. I know it is a lot to take on, sounds totally overwhelming and not how you planned your wedding since you were a little girl but this could be the most beautiful day of your life. Be careful not to get off on the wrong foot with your new in-laws but if it making you unhappy do what is right for you ❤️

As you are marrying their dear son you will be treated like a goddess and look like a princess (I’m not jealous at all 😉)

I had the same situation OP! In the end we had a small wedding and agreed to have a big party celebration later (still hasn’t happened and I’m hoping it won’t

Although , are they Hindu? If so, I thought it was the bride’s family who are supposed to arrange and pay for the wedding? That’s how it is in my husbands culture but I know different parts of India are different. 🤔

Just go with it and let the family have what they want. Weddings are often about so much more than the bride and groom. Just enjoy it and remember it’s just one day.

I think you knew the culture and what you were getting into, you can’t start changing things now and upset his family, culture & way of life like this.
Think VERY carefully about your future before things go any further. What other challenges & obstacles are you going to come up against. There will be more differences in opinions & way thing are done, than just the wedding!

Have you and your partner talked openly & honestly about what you want/expect interms of your future together? Where you will live, working, every aspect of children etc (Names, what religious path they will follow, schooling, beliefs for boys vs beliefs for girls, their own weddings & whether you’re going to need to save £200, 000 a piece!)
If the future is all clear & fully aligned......Then go ahead with the wedding as they wish, it’s about them, not you and they have the money. It’s their dream!
Then, you have another wedding, a quiet one, as you wish, about you & your husband, (which you/your family pay for). And then both customs & all wishes are upheld.
Good luck.

Yep my Asian friend did one of each. Kept everyone happy, and tbh if they want to spunk such an obscene amount of money on one day well 🤷🏻‍♀️
Doesn’t sound like you’d be doing the organising/stress bit either.

It’s a cultural thing OP, have a small wedding as well, my son did this and it worked really well, it’s very important in their culture. Enjoy it xx

I think some of the tensions between me and my (Middle Eastern) in laws boil down to this very subject and how I handled the wedding. We did have the wedding that we wanted (and we paid for it ourselves). But it was very much an English affair. We didn’t invite a bunch of their random friends because neither of us had ever met them. We did invite the friends of theirs we did know. We also invited friends, neighbours, colleagues. One family in particular weren’t invited because we had only met them once or twice (in 6 years together), even though DH’s family saw more of them, mostly because our wedding was a Friday and we didn’t want to inconvenience them. That turned out to be a massive faux pas and they were very hurt. To be clear, the wedding we did have was a compromise, with all parts agreed with me and DH. If I were marrying anyone else I’d probably have had a church wedding but he didn’t want that. But I don’t think either of us really had any idea of what we were doing when we pushed through with what we wanted. I have butted heads with MIL ever since. She was very difficult about the wedding, kept saying we were going to make them ashamed by doing a crap job at the wedding (the wedding was excellent). It took me years to forgive her, but our first child was a honeymoon baby. And many many arguments followed. We have a very frosty relationship now and I think that is really fuelled by the wedding

There is a lot of talk on here about the bride marrying in to the Indian culture and having to accept that etc.
Let's not forget though that the groom is also marrying in to the English culture! It seems to many that the female should ignore her wants because she is marrying in to something different. Why can't the male ignore his wants for the same reason.

Personally I don't think either should have to bow to culture or demands, it should be a compromise you both agree on. If you can't do that for your wedding there isn't much hope for the marriage

If they are paying for it and it's not going to hurt hem financially, then let them do what they want. If it makes them happy, just go with the flow. Just let them organise EVERYTHING

I married into an Indian family and found the wedding traditions a bit overwhelming. Beautiful but overwhelming! You should speak to your husband and try to reach a middle ground. We had an indian ceremony complete with the ceremonial fire and mandap and a Celtic handfasting ceremony. There had to be compromise on both sides and again when we had children. All families have "their" way of doing things. But do keep the fact that your culture and traditions are just as important. Those that have said the cultures don't work are wrong! We are together years and still going strong!

@Angrywife et al it’s because let’s face it, there just isn’t an “English culture” around weddings (and if you’d read the thread properly the bride is Scottish anyway).

It’s disingenuous at best, and borderline racist (as is usual on here) at worst, to say that the “foreign” partner should also have to assimilate to the “white” partner’s culture surrounding the wedding. Western weddings can, and do, take many forms from 2 people in jeans at the register office to ridiculously OTT Jordan-esque spectacles. Which one of those cultures are the “foreigners” supposed to give up their wedding for? Oh yeah, the one the “English” person wants?

@gingersausage

There are Scottish wedding traditions, and just because not everyone follows them doesn't make them less valid than the groom's tradition.

And even if it's a preference rather than a tradition, it doesn't mean it shouldn't be taken into account. If the bride wants 50 people at the wedding and the groom wants 3000, why should the groom get what he wants just because it's his culture? Surely both sides should be expected to compromise?

Remind them of the risk of the whole wedding party catching coronavirus. I bet a small wedding would be more appealing.

@gingersausage if you'd read my post properly you'd have seen that I said neither should have to bow down to the other and it should be a compromise so you can leave your pseudo offense at the door sweetie

@gingersausage - but there are Scottish wedding traditions, just like there are Indian traditions. Saying they don't exist because some people don't follow them or do it a bit differently is like saying Indian traditions don't exist because some of my Indian family didn't have a massive Hindu spectacular (and in fact one of my cousins did get married in jeans, despite being 100% Asian).

There clearly are Scots wedding traditions - groom wears a kilt, bride wears white, she has a sixpence in her shoe, there might be a wedding scramble outside the church in places.

For what it's worth, I've argued that two weddings is the best way to work with the dual traditions (and disagree with people saying the groom should ditch his culture) but it's just a straw man argument to say that western wedding culture isn't a thing.

I think there are family traditions around weddings which are no less important than any other set of traditions. People need to compromise.

@Olliephaunt4eyes, I’m not denying the existence of Scottish (or Welsh or German etc) wedding traditions. The point I was trying to make (possibly badly) is that there aren’t any homogeneous “white person” wedding rituals which are more important than any other cultures’ traditions. I get sick of the “why can’t his family just fuck off and then you do everything the western way instead of being expected to do everything their way” attitude. To me, and obviously you and lots of others, two weddings is the perfect solution and compromise, but there’s still those who can’t resist the overt rejection of anything vaguely “foreign”.

@gingersausage I think the thing people are trying to say is why should she be the only one to compromise. He is marrying into her culture too. So for example if she wanted a small intimate wedding with only close family and friends a compromise might be 500 guests so all of the extended are invited, some of the closer aquintences etc but not 3000 if that makes any sense

But a ceremony with 500 guests isn’t intimate at all, so that’s a compromise that doesn’t really make sense. Plus, a UK wedding will be nothing like the wedding the Indian side of the family (including the groom) is used to and would like to have, and an Indian wedding is not what the bride has envisaged.

Having two weddings is the best solution because both parties in the actual couple are happy, and PIL are happy as well. No one is losing out, no one is giving up their wants for the other’s happiness. Win-win.

@Ninkanink it's not but at least it is not as big as a 3000 guest wedding. Point is no one fully got their way but got one they can live with. A lot of people would find a wedding of 3000 people something they can't cope with even if they are not the one planning. 200 would be pushing my tolerable limit which is why I am glad to only have 50 guests which is still more then I like but invited for the sake of family

Think carefully, OP. This man is putting his mother’s wishes above yours already.

My friend married an Indian. He was forever sending money to his parents (who did not need it; it was all about status) and expected to live on his wife’s earnings. It did not end well. Have you checked out where the cultural expectations differ and agreed on what the approach will be?